Day 101 – Trusting myself too much

I don’t think that I deserve to, be so honest with myself that I say to my own self, you were dishonest, and you knew it and you allow it. I don’t think it’s like that, why? Because if I have something, it’s that with each step I walk, I explain things as they are, I don’t magically make things perfect, but I will always have with me that no matter at what step of my process I was, I said things as I felt them inside of me.

So no I am not going to accept that I have done something wrong, or at least I am not going to punish myself for it. When you are alive, the only way you have to learn is by experience, you test something, and if it does not work, you learn from it. Even if we know who we are, we can’t live creating perfection, because we all know it does not work like that. I will someday make a blog about the word perfection, but right now this is another blog.

I thought that I deserved taking the risk it takes to live, saying the way I’d like to experience myself if I could create myself, only and only if I was learning every day of my life. I thought that I’d become that, and I could talk about what I see, even if I know I am not emboding that completely at this moment of my life, if I grew up each day, if I learnt how to take more and more responsability for myself each day. That was the only way I could justify me saying those words.

When I first moved to this house, the one I am living currently living, I was so excited, but it wasn’t an egoistic joy, a filthy way of consuming resources and create consecuence, I didn’t see it like that and that’s why I allowed the experience. I knew what living alone meant for my life, and I was intrigued about what the future was about to bring to me, because I would be able to see more, understand more, help more, create more, have more posibilities of creating change in me and others. So when I first came to this house I bought some paintings and put them on the wall and on a furniture, one of a guitar and a sax and another of a forest in auttum. The point is that me putting those paintings in my house meant something for me, I wasn’t consciously creating something, it was just the effect of me living my life in that way. And today, well I am not happy with myself, because of several reasons.

And what I feel when I look at those paintings, the same way I feel when I look at my blogs, it’s the different parts that my mind consists of. Because the idea of being just a person, is too simplistic to describe anything. We are a lot of feelins emotions thoughts ideas memories etc etc…

So I will never lie to you, even if it seems so. It’s not that I am not the words I speak, it’s that bringing that to our entire existence it’s what life is about. And I am not using that as an excuse, let’s please, use a balance between accepting a bigger responsability and having a blank space to see learn and forgive, both things are equally important, and I won’t allow any absolute sentence within myself, because sentences are not to be absolute, they are to be understand within each circustance.

What I am experiencing now is that I have distanced myself from physical reality. And if I don’t learn this, I will not understand what being with the physical means and requires.

If you are to walk this process, understand that this is something individual. In this society, in normal life, people are not used to take life itself seriously. If you talk to them about who you are, well it depends on the situation. Sometimes you may be able to help them. Other times, depending on the minds of others, it will be of no use. And if you manage to say words that they understand, you will just create energy, and it will dissapear and remain as a memory. So this is a process you walk alone, because in this life, it’s not usual people taking life seriously. People living for real. It’s not and if they see the opposite, they will believe that you are not normal, and you need to learn from them. Why do this work like that? Why do they feel the need? Because they are needy within themselves, and thereforce they will tell you “you need to be needy too!!”.

So this is a process to be walked alone, only for people who are awake.

When I was walking my process and saying those cool words I was living, I drank alcohol once. And it was very cool, it supported me I think. But only the first time. Then I drank 2 beers one day and also felt and efect, then some more beers and another kind of alcohol, and then the other day again, and so on.

And it’s not worth it, but there is nobody else to understand these words, since nobody else around me takes life seriously, since nobody is able to see their physicals. It’s not worth it, and I knew it, but I guess I wanted to integrate myself within the group. The first time I drank, I was weeks preparing myself for it, I had a big party and I knew I could not avoid drinking, so I could digest it, it was very good, I grew from the experience, then the non-sense appeared and I, just, forgot what I live within myself. What I live is very simple, it’s being in peace with the entirety of who you are. For each action we do, we have an effect, and it’s very easy to start creating consecuence and once you have started lose the track of who you are.

And I really, really, don’t like it. Because I am very sensitive to drugs now. If I accept them within myself and one day I wake up and I don’t know who I am, what’s going to happen to me? I will be lost. And feeling myself lost after seeing that I am next to myself, it’s strange, it’s scary, I don’t like it.

This is not only in relation to alcohol, it’s in relation to the thoughts, the ideas that pop up in my mind, and what I do in practical life. I have created consecuence within myself from several sources, and it’s now time for me to look deeply at the eyes of my physical, and no matter what there is in there, accept it. I don’t want to live forever in a state of debt, in a state of needing to do something else, to avoid what is here. I have known that kind of life for too long, and there is nothing else there for me. I have a chance to create something very cool in this life, if I only trust myself, if I don’t lose myself, if this sensitivity I have, I let it grow and expand to the totallity of me.

So, I have no problem with starting all over again, it’s my next step. I like the blogs and the paintings I bought, it’s the living proof that I can take care of myself, and I am the person I have always needed to be that for me. And if I am that for myself, I will be that for others, and then others will learn how to be that for themselves and how to reach others.

So that’s a cool experience, taking care of yourself like noone has ever done, and then one day finding that you need some support because you have made some bad decitions, and you are there to say to yourself, where do you think you are going? I love you.

Cya!!

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Day 100 – What is life? Why are we here? Who are we?

So this is Raúl, and in this blog I am going to answer these questions, with all that I am in this moment.

First question, what is life? I can’t give you an straight answer. In relation to what? In relation to my past, my present, my future? Or in relation to all of it? Let’s says the most honest answer, in relation to everything that I am, what is life, for me?

Life doesn’t exist. It’s like, I feel that with the question you are asking me to say something big and intricate, but really, life hasn’t existed. So, what is life? Life is nothing, for you or for me. It has some laws, like, we are going to be in a body, in a physical existence, and have a mind, etc… but in terms of the totallity of who we are, in terms of the most complete and honest answer, life is nothing.

I’m going to jump to the third question, who are we? I don’t really understand what who means. You know, I am here, everything is right here, so what do you mean with who? I can’t even explain you, I am something big, too big for the mind, but who I am is very simple, if you could just look at me and see the totallity of who I am you would understand in a moment. All the pain and the joy and the lessons and everything that has lead me to this point of self-realization. And that’s nothing special or awesome, really. But it is something I am very proud of, it’s something you can trust, it’s something that is going to solve a lot about this world, something that heals much, it has healed me. Well, who I am is easy to explain, I am person who has grown and realized a lot, and in this life there is only one thing I desire, only one, it’s bringing all of us together, and helping everything that exists. I have had a lot of stories in my life with this point, I have gone through a lot of weirds paths in the search for something to make feel like I am someone, like I am complete, and that’s some of the wisdom I have gathered, and it all has lead me to myself, to be here with me, to trust me. Because you are who you allow yourself to be. I am a person tring to help this so lost human world, tring at the same time to be one and equal to everything that exists, because if I am to be something, I want to be that for real, I don’t want to trick myself, and it’s very easy, because ego is pleasant, but there is something beyond that and that is who I am, the one who makes everything have sense. Without that, everything is lost, and all my efforts have been for nothing. People in this world are used to believe that there is nothing worth being honest with the totallity of who you are, and I think we have to change that, every one of us deserves that and must find their own meaning, one to sacrifice themselves for. So, following my own words, who am I? I am growing each day, to sacrifice myself, for something that makes me trascend myself, so I can really live, so I can understand what being myself means, so I can follow this vision that I see within myself, when I see all that I am and have been, and all that I can become, a vision that unifies my existence, and all the existence of this world. There has been enough sleeping, more than enough, no more. It’s now time to be.

And, the third question. Why am I here? Why means for what. I am here for that sacrifice I talked about, but it’s not really a sacrifice. It seems like that, but it’s the understand of oneselve, it’s a self-realization of who we really are. It’s when you stop having a choice, because you always know what you have to do, you always know the only thing that will utterly make you in harmony. So, the “sacrifice” it’s simply allowing yourself to not have a life based on self-interest. This is how far we have distanced us from ourselves, from the simplicity of life.

The truth about this world it’s not pretty. But there is so much more than that.

Bye!

Day 99 – Pet and reciprocal love

I recently moved to another house, it’s time for changes right now. I want to talk about what my dog meant to me.

I have never had, with anybody, the relationship I had with my dog. I have known a lot of people in my life, I have had a girlfriend, a brother, a lot of friends, good honest friends. But I never had with any of them what I had with my dog. With her it was so simple, there was literally nothing that could distance us. I grew up with this dog, when I was a teenager, when I smoked weed and I was depressed, and when I became a man. When I became a man, my dog stopped being my dog and became the friend of my life. It’s a sensation I should create with the family and friends I am able to, it’s the kind of relationship where absolutely everything is allowed, you allow and accept everything from the other person. We used to look at each other eyes, feeling the rythm of our minds, and we would literally lift ourselves up with that. I will never forget her look, she was asking to me to be there, in that moment with here. And a lot of times I was busy in my mind, judging myself, or thinking too much, too bad, and I knew that I could not look at my dog deeply because she would know that I was not in my physical body, relaxed, I was in judgements and karma and I didn’t want her to see that in me. So her look helped me very much to understand what it means to be here. She was conected to my heart and it’s an space very pure that each human being has within himself. We used to play together in a very special way. We would pull ourselves out of ourselves, like when you listen to a good song that inspires you, and you feel something pulling you out of your chest and asking you to feel intensely whatever is it that the moment is made of. And we played together and I felt exactly the same that when I play or listen to music, it was moments of total presence where we would do the unexpected, we would surprise ourselves, just with our movements, our energy, we would create reactions to enter in the most joyfull healthy play. The kind of play that you know you would judge yourself for, but the moment you make the jump and you are there, you are free and you express something that makes you feel alive, in a very intimate part of you, and you can express that as much as a you want, until you are a tired. She was a divine dog, we had a divine relationship, she helped me so much, I will be forever thankfull to her, to the way she looked at my eyes, it meant so much. And I tried to help her, I played with her, I surprised her, I taught her a lot, I tried to relax her, to respect her, I tried to show to her what she meant to me, and I knew she knew because she loved me, we were together and alone in our own play. I liked surprising her, I sang songs to her when I felt I was creating cool moments, I tried to show to her what it means to me to be alive.  You see, this dog was very special, I don’t believe in destiny, not really, but she was the perfect dog for me before I knew her. When we went to pick her up, she was with a lot of brothers and sisters and her parents. All the puppies were playing with us, all of them, they were crazy and happy, but not her, she was hidding under the sofa, very afraid and insecure. And this was a her, a very insecure dog, but not because she didn’t know how to love, she had a very very special affection, she was just hard to reach, because she didn’t really understand the minds of this world, of the adults, they just go there like “Hey I want to touch you!” and she would run away, and I totally understand her, it has been hard for me too. I didn’t need a leash for her, when we would walk in the street I didn’t even need to talk, she felt my energy. I taught her how to stop before crossing the street, I showed her to be absolutely free, while listening to me. She learnt everything by herself. She explored her own body in new ways.

I know the nature of our relationship, and I will always remember it. We both know how supportive it was for us. When there is reciprocal love, what else can you say? I look for something else because it has been a week since I don’t see you and I know it’s silly and stuff but I trully feel this way and I know it will be months after I see you again so I wanted to say goodbye to you with this blog. So when there is reciprocal love, what does that mean? It means that there is nothing for me to look for, I knew her and she knew me. I feel I want to ask her if she knew how lovely she was, but she totally knew, we both knew. So what is left? I just miss her. But that’s totally fine, and understandable. She supported me in more ways I will ever understand. And all I can say is thank you for being there for me, I hope you felt the same that you brought to me, I hope we see each other again, I really do. I will always remember you, I will never forget you, you will always be with me, and you will continue living through me, what you taught me was about myself, you wanted me to know something, you are a very big being.

Thank you for being with me, you will always be, and please create new relationships, keep suporting people, what we had was great, but you deserve so much more, just forget about me, I don’t want you to ever suffer for anything, remember who you are, be free forever, and have new begginings and ends, always with yourself, because that’s what we are. You can rest in here for your entire life and beyond. Bye 🙂

We will see each other again

Day 98 – Exorcicing myself

So, I recently moved to a new house, in a new city, all by myself. I am very young, and I am more than happy to be here living alone. Back to when I was in my fother’s house, everything felt the same, I would arrive home and even if I didn’t talk to him, the house, the athmosphere, it felt stagnant and dead.

About a week ago, I bought a mineral to a guy that had a stand in a fair I played the guitar in. I am a musician. I don’t believe in the effects of the stones in the mind and that sort of stuff, it all looks like a mind projection for me, it’s very hard that I say that the stones and the minerales or the crystals make me feel a certain way, it’s all my mind and what I want to see. But the moment I saw the minerals I just picked one, in the moment, a lapislazuli, because you know, it’s awesome. The guy said that it was my mineral, meant to meet me, because I picked that one from all the rest. I didn’t believe anything about it, not even the mixed minerals he had that he said were able to clean a room from wifi signals.

So I arrived at home and put the lapislazuli in water and salt because he said it would clean the crystal from the past energies. I did that. I obviosly felt no difference, just a mineral. I think it’s a really cool mineral so I put it a small night table I have next to my bed. My idea was charging it with my own energy and vibes, you know, just for fun. I don’t pay special atention to it, but the moments I pay attention to the mineral I just focus on it and feel it, and I see it for what it is, and I obviously feel nothing, it’s just me watching a mineral. But it’s cool, even if it’s me projecting the energy of my mind within the mineral, since I know it’s all a projection, I can just focus on the mineral for real, and just, let things what they are. And I like the mineral it’s really cool.

So I have slept two nights in the new house. The first night I decided to put the mineral in the zone between my eyebrows, and let it be there for a while before I go fully into sleeping. Why? Because, that part of the body is a special one, for me, that part shows me the state of my physical body. When I was very young, when I was very pure, I would feel that part burning, to the extend where I could not put on glases because the tickling in my third eye would become too intense. So I have always loved that part of my body, and when I got old, when I contiuned on living, it started dying and dying and dying and my soul died with it. And now I am in a process of feeling it again, of letting the simplicity of life be with me, and that part of my body is supporting me, it feels energized, and even if it will never be again what it was, that’s fine, I am more than happy that it still is with me, and I have a conection to that part, and I can see things the way they are, and I can feel moments.

So I decided to put the mineral there just, you know, for fun, because it’s a mineral and, why not? In fact, it was cold and the pression it did on my third eye helped me relax my mind. So I just let in that moment all the atachments I had accumulated during the previous days of driking alcohol go, I was very charged of mind systems… and I started to feel again… oh, hey! I can’t exist without attachments! Without karma! And it was a cool reminder, I am in this world but I am not of this world. So the first day it supported me to be within my physical body, in equallity and oness, without mind-systems.

The second day, I decided to go full in. Going full in it’s something I have been working on for a long time. When I go full in, I notice the real nature of my mind. I notice how I create the good and the bad experiences, and since I choose all of them, I create my own lie, and I live it. And I don’t like living a lie, it creates a lot of questions.  I most of the time fear going full in, but I always find benefits. I am able to understand my anxiety, I am able to understand my fear, I am able to really rest, I am able to see the real state of myself within my life experience.

How to go full in? There is nothing left, there is just, what it is. It’s something scary, I know, because, what will you find in there? Who, the hell, created that within the human body? Why do we have a door that looks like that? In my life I have found that, when you are controlled by something, when that something causes you fear and it says “I am more than you”, that’s a challence for you, to say, why do I allow this to exist? Is this supporting me? Is this supporting everyone else?

So it doesn’t matter if you fear going full in within your own mind and existence, if there is a resistance, there you have the reason to allow yourself to investigate.

So I went full in, with the lapislazuli between my eyebrows, and I started entering my subconciouss. I saw how I create all my reality, how I choose to feel bad experiences, and how I create good experiences because of fear (I will write a blog about that). I saw how this polarity worked, and I decided to stop it. Permanently, at least for that moment, even if it felt like an eternity, because, there is no record in your mind of what you do, there is no time, it’s just you going into a journey. But I found something very interesting. At any moment I, myself, ceased to exist. No, only my rational mind based on polarities ceased the activity. After my rational mind stopped, I realized I still existed, but there was no realization, it was just me being in there. Then ideas about my life started coming, and I engaged within the ideas, I mean, I created it, since I was thinking those ideas. But I was not thinking in a rational way, it was more like when you sleep and you have unexpected incoherent dreams. So I had those thoughts about my life, and I realized that I had made a whole journey within my mind to arrive to thinking about that at a so deep level, and I tried to make sense of it. But the moment I thought about it, it stopped making sense. To the extend where the idea suddenly dissapeared, because I could not comprehend it. Then, something unexpected happen. I decided to go to the anxious part of my mind, it’s one that messes up my reality very, very much. At first I only went to anxiety, and I said Oh I see you, you are here, this is you, I know how you feel. And that by itself was a normal task for me, just cheking how anxiety feels within my body. I have done it a lot of times. But then something else happened. You know, I have always had nightmares, stronge nightmares, where you almost feel psychotic, you enter a state of fear for your life, of nightmare, that you scream within the dream and you asfixieate yourself and in the end when you are most feearfull you wake up saying… oh my good… I have seen hell… I became hell. So I have always had these kind of nightmares, and I have never thought I am crazy, and I am not, it’s just something that happened to me ocasionally and I accepted as a normal. So. what I saw after watching my anxiety was the fear it was rooted in. The fear of my nightmares. The moment it presented itself, in real time, in a moment, I looked at it. The moment I looked at it, I felt like a shift. Suddenly my vision became black for less than a second, like a wave of darkness, like a wave a fish creates in a lake and that it abandons your body. I say abbandon because, the moment I felt and saw that, I felt lighter and immediatly I went to check my anxiety and fear, and I didn’t find it, there was not charge. I don’t know if it’s forever, and I don’t care I am going to keep working on my life and my life experience. But this is what I felt.

Day 97 – What sex has become in this world

Hi!

If I could choose, I would say: I am free of all this life. But life does not work like that, I need to eat, I need to have relationships with people to not isolate myself, I need to care about this world, about the animals, I like listening to music, eating sugar, drinking coffe, playing World of Warcraft. And I love finding a woman to create a relationship with. And I am going to explain myself about this.

Recently I noticed that, this world does not understand what sex is. I realized this fully from a conversation I had with some friends while I was opening myself to them.

When I see the personalities of people close to me, I can’t help but notice how their mind is sucking a lot of resources from the body through sex or masturbation. You know, that’s cool, I am not perfect, nobody is perfect, perfection is not even a goal, and it’s fantastic if you enjoy sex in your life, if you desire it, do whatever you want, it’s cool. What I don’t agree so much with is the fact that, you are not very willing to listen a different perspective about it, specially one that is not usual in this world, when that in fact, could bring something new to you.

First, we have to understand a simple law, nothing in this world is free, nothing. Everything has a consecuence. You have to be aware of the way we live, the way we exist. From the smallest though, to the biggest desire. Everything manifest as cause and effect. Maybe a thought is very small for you, maybe you don’t want to look so deep, and that’s fine, but the most important parts of our life, the most stronge, must have special attention payed to them. Because they will have the biggest impact in your experience of life.

As I said, everything exist as cause and effect, from the smallest thought, to the biggest. What happens in sex? We consume ourselves, very much. That’s easy to see, after the experience we are tired, or at least discharged, our desires are different, our brain is different, our experience of joy is different. Something very big happened. And that’s fine, nature wanted us to have something big inside ourselves, it was needed, so life itself could sustain itself. Because if you were not to reproduce, nothing would exist. So this is to be understood, what is sex, because this simplicity of meaning is not found in this world, at-all.

If sex was in fact a real part of our life, it would develop naturally, as we grow, it would express itself, it would have a beggining and an end, and then, it’s space for other things to happen. But, is sex manifested in that way in this world? Is it??

What I see is humans believing that sex makes them happy. That there is no consecuence of using sex as much as possible, because it feels good and it has become a part of you. What I see is people teaching one another that, it’s fine to look for sex, to be an expert in sex, to make sex something big, because, since you feel good, you have always something to win. People saying one another: “We are going to allow sex to exist in this way, because it feels good, let’s make the way sex exists something normal, acceptable, let’s enjoy it, let’s consume ourselves, let’s let it inside of us, let it become a part of us”

As I said, everything has an effect. The bigger the effect, the bigger the consecuence. Sex is something very big, which means it has a big consecuence. Wheter you notice it or not, it’s there, it’s all around. The way you have used sex during yourself, the way your body exists, the way that you are, the person you have become.

Anytime we feel, we believe, we think we exist we perceive, we become. This means, the more you use sex, the more you become it. But remember, sex was supposed to be something natural that would manifest in our life. What makes us become sex, it’s the way we use sex. And we use it just like a drug. You don’t need a drug to be addicted, you just need your life to be addicted, life exists as attractions, as desires, as direction, if our life itself is that, what do you think that is sex? Sex is one of our biggest joys.

So remember, sex itself was meant to be just sex, but the way we used it, the way we have learnt to enjoy creating a consecuence with it, it’s what have made it what it is, a part of us. A big one.

Now, if you have came here, if you have understood all of this, what to do? What to look at next? First, if you didn’t go to sex, for months, nothing would happen, you would not die. What will happen is that your energies will become heavier and heavier and stronger, you will need the discharge, and it in fact takes time to be a lot of time without sex, time for adaptation. The first thing you should try, if you seek to understand, what being your real self means, what having purpose means, is understanding that sex is not so important, sex is not necessary, but it has become necessary, and we need to express who we are in this moment. Who are we? We are a person, with the desire of bringing our real self to sex.

Why? Because, there is a very beautiful part of us that hides itself behind sex. And these days, it has become hard to find. And if I keep talking I will just open my heart for you. You know, sex is a big support for us humans, whether you are single or in a relationship, sex is your expression. And sex can help you manifest who you are in this life, it can help you a lot, and you will be very thankfull for it. Because what abusing sex brings, even if you don’t notice, it’s a feeling I don’t enjoy. It’s like, having debts. Not being able to be here, in this moment, pure, because there is a lot more going on. But if you are here, if you manage to understand these, don’t understimate sex. Sex is very important, very fundamental, and it brings a great joy to be able to say: sex is just one more part of my life, I am who I really am within sex, who I have always dreamt to be, who I could be if I was the most powerfull being in the world, a god to create a reality from zero, one that supports life in this reality.

And it’s very sad, because you don’t know what you are missing. You don’t know how beautiful you could be, you don’t know what beauty is. Beauty comes from the heart itself, it is the most powerfull force in this life. It’s the most important thing, the most powerfull, it’s the most meaninfull, the most helpfull. And for this beauty, you would be very beautiful if sex had not possesed you. And it would be so much more beautiful if when sex possesed you, it remained beautiful.

But what you will find is not this, what you will find in the sex of people is something bizarre, something artifitial, something that they abuse, they enjoy, just like a drug, but one that is free of consecuence, one that everybody accepts as normal. And it’s fine if you don’t want to look at every thought of your mind seeing if it’s beautiful, if it’s your real self, if it supports life, but at least do it with the most important things, like sex. Purify your body, there is something very beautiful behind each part of you that has possesed you.

For each part of you attached to something, there is one behind that is eternal. One that is forever with you, and there is nothing else we humans desire, but being forever.

Sex is not forever, sex is not ‘free of consecuence’. Sex should mean: the way I am helping myself realize that I can change who I am within sex, I can understand that I am more than these desires, and I can see the meaning and purpose of all of this.

Good luck!

 

Day 96 – A child addicted to masturbation

I have decided to talk about this for serveral reasons. I have never really talked about this openly in this blog. It was something that had a huge impact in my life. It is something that I have understood in a very deep dymention, and because of that, like everything I share in this blog, it can be of use for you. I hope that use is supportive, for your own truth, for the truth of others. Now I know that sex and masturbation is a topic we humans don’t like to talk about, but I refuse to judge this topic, when it’s an important one, and it’s a fundamental part of life. I am here going to tell the story of a child who grew up in a sick society, with a lot of problems, and whose only escape of that reality was found in masturbation.

This is a topic that touches my heart, because it’s so important, so fundamental, but yet it’s so judged by people, so avoided, so misunderstood. I sometimes wonder who I would have been if I had not developed such a relationship with masturbation, if I had not been so alone. I imagine myself enjoying my childhood, getting to know my family, overcoming fear, sharing myself with everyone. But I was placed in a position, in a place, in a family and environment, where everything was just bad, and then masturbation was there as an escape to make things even worse.

I grew up with teeth problems, the dentists didn’t know what the hell was wrong with my teeths. I was always lazy, not even with enough energy to go get a glass of water. The mind of a child, so pure, but yet so focused on the reward. My spine, grew deformed, because it had not enough nutrients to develop correctly, and because I had so much fear in my life and my enviroment, intensified with my addiction to masturbation, that I was always looking down to the floor. I grew up a hair long enough to cover my eyes, so I could watch from the place where I was, totally isolated.

I don’t know, I seriously don’t fucking know, how blind were my parents. I suppose, I know, that they thought I had some kind of mental problem, because of how weird of a child I was, or I grew up to be, because as a child I was absolutely adorable.

This habit of masturbation prevented me from having enough power, to realize how this life works. In this life, in this world, nobody cares. Nobody has any worry, not even when they are children. So you have to make them believe, you have to move them, you have to make them understand, not by force, by power, a power of atraction to show the truth to the eyes of everyone. And they will say ‘Oh, I was just playing the game of being right and having the truh, but since you explained the situation to me in this way, you are right’. And we humans can’t grow to be like this! Finding the truth must be your own preocupation, because it’s the most important thing! Truth can’t just be a game of I am right because I desire to. You can’t wait for someone to just come to you and snap you in the face with his trust in his own truth so you start moving your own reality! Your reality is-your-responsability!!

So, I grew up so weak, but for me, it was the only way. Let’s imagine the situation: nobody in your family gives a shit, they just want you for their own benefit, and they will cover up this situation by making you feel guilty about yourself. Then you have a brother with anger problems that hits you, you have no pet, you don’t enjoy your life, nobody is there to show you anything, and you are so full of resentment, because at the beggining of your life you knew how were things, you knew how much joy you had inside yourself, how you tried to share it with others, and then everything became a nightmare and you have accepted it, and there is just no way out. You feel so many things, you would like to scream and say This-is-not-fair!!! But you swallow those sentences, you stop supporting life, because why are you going to make life a reasonable, real thing, if it just makes no sense. And then in a search for something that you feel missing, you find masturbation and it makes you feel complete, with nothing to  fear. And it just became the meaning of my life. The world can make me accept a loooot of things, but, myself? Myself is uncontrollable, it follows it’s own direction. I can pretend that I like you, but within myself? I can not pretend in there, it is what it is.

So then I found porn, as a child, and it became my secret, and I would just explore the world in there because what joy is there outside? And videogames, and I was happy, it made me happy. Very guilty, because this world won’t stop telling me that there is something wrong with me, but happy.

We must educate the humans in this planted, the parents of this world, so they can conect with their children, and can understand themselves and their sons. I sometimes think about my parents, my dad specially, and I don’t know why they don’t just break down and cry. Their life passed by in front of their faces, and really, it was for nothing. I think it is because they just don’t give a fuck, my fother is so meaningless within himself that he won’t even try to conect with his son for the last time, and my mother, she really prefers to die rather than seeing something else. It’s so curious how people look normal, when they are not normal, they have so much within them.

So, the conclution of all of this is, parents, connect with your children, give your life for them, please give it, you will not be giving away anything, and you will be making your life meaningfull. It doesn’t mean sacrifice, it means be there to show your child that you love him, and you will be unconditionally happy and proud for him, that will show him how love works.

Children, I’ll try to solve this world, so you don’t have to face this world when you are a child, because I don’t want things to go too fast for you, it will break you down, and you need to be able to stand up for your own truth as an adult, but as a child… just grow, and I hope your enviroment supports you… That’s why I am the guy that every child loves, do you remember when you were a child and you just saw certain adults that looked happy FOR REAL? Like, crazy? Well that’s what we want, those adults make you stop fearing.

And Me, well I am doing very fine, finally. There is not much to say, just, I am fine.

I like writing these blogs, because in real life I’d share anything with you, and it’s the same here.

Cya!!

Day 95 – Feeding of me

What I explain in these blogs, is the information that it’s coming out of my life, and as long as it is usefull it will keep coming out.

What I felt I did not understand it, I can explain it now, but when I was a child it was “the way things are”. I allowed something very bad to happen, but I also was drawn to it, there were a lot of forces saying to me “go this way go this way go this way”. Basically, I fed the irresponsability of other beings, because I was not able to be responsable for myself as a child. The people around me, would have a certain feeling, and when I was very very young it wasn’t like that, when I was very young I was just a pressence, but as the mind-conscioussness system started developing, people in this world understood that I was special. And I would allow it because you know, “it’s the way things are”, and I would give something to them, to everybody, my fother would feel “this boy makes me feel a fother”, my mother would feel “my son makes me feel a mother”, my brother “he makes me feel a brother”, my friends “he makes me feel myself”, the teacher “he makes me feel a teacher”. And there were no words for this game, it would happen when I had already a mind developed, and we would have contact.

And then the following process would take place. Since these people have a needy mind (every mind is needy), I would provide for that need, since I have a conection to interact with the mind itself because of how I was reincarnated in this body. And these people, all of them, would feel REAL from SEPARATION. Like, the illution is real! But, of course, since one works towards an illution, it’s just an illution, that exists as a desire, that manifests itself as separation. And I would give it to them, they would feel in place, they would feel individuals from their minds, everybody wanted a piece of it. They became addicted to the energy, they believed they were nothing without it, so a dependance was created, and it was accordingly deffended. Fear would be all over the place, specially in the people close to me (family), because when one needs something to define himself, there is fear to lose it, and it has to be deffended, because there is the ego who believes itself to have a right.

And this is were I wanted to come, I am going start with all of you. You people, I am nothing to you, literally, I am giving you nothing. You are all projecting into me, what is missing in you, this individuality. And even if you feel one and equal when I allow you to feed from me, it will never be as if it was you, it looks so fake from the outside. Like an illution that has the power to be real and it goes in the world saying hey! I am real! An illution is real! But it’s not. And the answer, is within you. The answer, is very simple, you mind has been programated, without your permission, to make you fear something bigger than yourself. And fear should not rule you, because you will not be free. The mind made you feel the ammount of fear necessary for you to drop the reins of the mind you were in, so it could have controll over you, once you accepted that you were not in control of everything that happens to you inside yourself. So, go to where you feel a resistance, walk it, because at a certain point you have allowed it, and it’s you, it’s a reflection of you. Don’t fear looking into something bigger. There are a lot of reasons for this, one of them it’s that, if you fear your own self, you will create that in this world. And do you know the result? Do you know what you are doing? You will go to look for what is missing somewhere out there, and you will end up hurting something else, to get back what you perceive as missing. And that is not pretty.

Now, this is in relation to all of you. Now I am going with me. When I was a child, I was naive, but I knew what I was doing. I must say, it wasn’t a balanced match, life puts me in this mind and in this body, and then I have all this beings around me moving my world, if I was to create a challence, this would be the biggest challence I could ever conceive. Now, I am not saying with this that I had no responsability, I knew what I was doing in a certain level. I knew I was choosing my mind, the fear, over my physical reality in this body. Because you know, the truth of us is always in the body, the body supports equality in this world, it won’t hurt you, it won’t hurt others, but I was afraid of living my truth and be alone for the rest of my life, so what I did was create a complete fake life, to avoid living in truth, and to be ruled by fear. And since I allowed that to happen, I allowed myself to lose myself, and then I would support the minds of this world, and then all the game started.

This life is a challence, and I am here to learn something that stays forever with me, I’m not here for less than that.

Now these people have understood what they did to me and why, why they felt that there was something in them.And I have understood that I allowed this to take place, the moment I accepted fear within myself. And now both parts are free, since I am what I am, forever, and this is my job with every part of my mind. Bye!