Day 79 – Dear fother

Dear fother, I don’t understand why you married a woman like my mother, but I guess I do. You were desesperated because you were getting old, and you needed a woman to have children so you could have a purpose, since you considered yourself a failure, and you were. Why? I am going to make you responsable of yourself with this answer. Because you didn’t accept the reality of yourself, you denied it so much, you represed it so much, you suffered so much, you blamed other so much, you were so scared, you though everybody was as fake as you. The way you have treated your children, is the way you have treated yourself. When you “try” to be a good fother, you are dening yourself the possibility of being a good fother. But you are not even interested in that because to be a good fother you would have to be that for the opinion of other person, and you don’t care about the opinion of the people you love because you are god. Nobody and nothing will change you because you have the absolute reality, you died long ago. And the people that you most loved suffered the consecuences of that, because of being so irresponsable for your own mind and life you married a crazy woman who deep inside hated you and left you alone, and created emotional traumas in their sons. Because of being so irresponsable love stopped being real, and became fear, and became all that you were. And, like with everything in life, the others suffered the consecuences. You manipulated your children, you made them reactive, brainwashed, so you could trigger them, so you could controll them, so you would have this thing that you are lacking of inside yourself, this thing that was denied to you by yourself. You scared your children, you felt so powerfull even if you did not deserve it that you abused your children and forced them to accept your reality, to accept that they have fear too, that they are incomplete too, that they can’t be honest and worthy of themselves, they can’t live words, because, why? Nobody will watch if you live a word, nobody will notice, only yourself. And inner reallity doesn’t exist right? Only you see it, nothing happens there, if I just accept that nobody is watching my mind I can do whateeeever I want, whateeeever I feel, I can abuse others. In what way?: They need to give ME! They will serve me! They are part of me! They make me what I don’t deserve to be, but I crave. And I don’t want to be real, I don’t want to go to that level, for what? For me to notice? I prefer to remain as I am right now, and say that I am a king. I could master the art of pretending at the eyes of others, so they say that I am king and I start believing it. I prefer to pretend in front of my own eyes, so that when I call myself a looser, when I feel empty, depressed, frustrated, I can prettend that I am winner and I don’t suffer and I have all these beautiful atributes that make me what I really, really am, perfect, since I am so unworthy of being good, I crave for it, I will pretend. I will pretend my whole life.

As I have been brainwashed by you because you put all your life and effort on making me yourself since I was a baby, I know how you work, perfectly. I was you, I had the vition of your reality, you wanted to make a child have your same mind and fears, well if you find the trick in their minds and you keep touching it and making them accept your ideas and you feed of their reactions, they are going to become those ideas, and that’s what happened. So, I know exactly how you feel, and I have had ENOUGH. I have done everything I could to help you and support you, even if you are an abuser, I accepted your fucking abuse everyday, I was there taking care of you, just to see if there was a chance. And you abused me even more, you manipulated me even more, you screamt to me even more and you made me feel like shit, you made me responsable for your own self, and I am TIRED, forever, I should have never allowed you to abuse my mind, I have nothing else to give you, all I want is you out of my presence and in some months my wish is going to become true and you are going to be all alone to abuse yourself. You could walk a lot of steps to become honest, but I am not insterested on anything about you. I have had enough, and if you need to die to become honest, you are going to, and you are going to face yourself, you are alone and you deserve it, and you will someday tell me that you knew that you were creating it, and that I should have left you even before. So that’s what I am doing, I hope I never have to see you again, and you are welcome for the effort I did you did not deserve.

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Day 78 – Unresolved familiar issues

Hello, I’ll talk now about me.

I was blaming a person in my life, in my mind, and saying to that person, I don’t deserve that you treat me like this! And like I always do with my emotions, I let that charge in my mind be free. And it started saying in my mind I don’t deserve this treatment! I don’t deserve this treatment!! I don’t deserve this treatment!!! And then I saw myself in a very particular emotional state. Then I realized that the energy that I was using to sing a depresive song some moments ago (almost every song I sing is depresive because I like them) it was very similar in nature. Then I realized, that when I was saying those sentences in my mind, I was actually saying them to my parents, my mother in particular. Then I saw myself almost in tears, screaming inside my mind I don’t deserve this treatment!!! I don’t deserve this treatment!!!

And now I am going to say what I feel I want to say, and after that I will be honest, but not before saying what I must say.

Mother, you will never understand a word I say, so it’s impossible for me to communicate with you. You are not even real, you are a fucked up person, that didn’t think that I deserved your love. I always hated you for being so selfish, for blaming me, for insulting me, for showing me that I was the source of your frustration. It was very very hard for me to grow in this hostile world, without the only mature person Iiving with me taking care of me. You will never see it, because oh you are so perfect, but I didn’t need any of your selfish stories in my life, I never needed you using me for your own desires, I never wanted to be a part of your drama, all I wanted was that you would stop the bullshit going on in your mind, sit next to me, and talk to me, ask me how I am feeling. Stop believing that I am a stronge person! That I can on my own! That if I say I don’t need your help I don’t need it! That if I don’t ask for support, it means I don’t suffer! Just sit with me once and ask me how I am feeling, what is life for me being Raúl, just care once.

Stop blaming me, stop proving to me that you are perfect, stop proving to me that I will never be able to blame you for anything, stop being so focused on yourself, and realized that having children it’s not about you, it’s about them. You must help yourself because you took all the money car house and children out of my dad by law, and these 2 children are now your responsability, and this means that you must be responsable for yourself. These children didn’t come to this life for you to create the story you desire with them.

Do you even know the difference? Between your desires, and what reality is? Do you know when something is real and when is not? You don’t. And who pays the prize? If at least you were dead, it would be all for you, but you take my life and create and artifitial story based on you you and you. And if I ever say a word to you about this, about how I feel in relation to you, you won’t even listen. You won’t even care, you won’t love, you will hate me, you will blame me, you will make me feel horrible, I will be your enemy, I will be the evil in this world, there will be something wrong with me, and it will be my fault, and what can I do if I am a child and I am alone? I will charge my truth, and suffer the consecuences.

There is something that I will never understand. How can you make a children your enemy? How in this world could that  happen? My question to you is, how could you allow yourself to become that? Only a blind person, a dead person, would do that to a child. A child is our love, it’s innocence. I don’t want to say these words to you, I wish I didn’t have to, I wish nothing of this had happen, but I decided to express the truth, and so it happened. And truth is what it is, it’s not for me to judge it.

I wish you would have had more vision, to see what you were creating, what you were allowing. Because what you create inside, it’s in every part of the outside. I am not perfect neither, in fact it’s very very hard for me to take responsability for my mind, to bring to my outter reality the full inconditional manifestation of who I will ever be in all posible scenarios, but each day I grow more.

Did they do the same to you when you were a child? I don’t think it’s your fault, I think I know, that you would never wish to become this. Just who are you? Are you this person that you are in this life? Are you your honesty? I know you never wanted any of this, I know if you could see, if you could understand, you would give me another childhood, you would connect with me, you would make me feel of value, you would ask me how I am, you would sing songs to me so I understand how special I am, you would give me attention. I would be thankfull and in peace that you are my mother, I wouldn’t change you for anything, I would always be in gratitude towards you. Being a man is my responsability, I would never put that into you, but you would have helped understand how to become who I desire to be.

Mother I am in peace now, I am going to forgive myself, even if I have had these reactions, even if I have felt damaged, helpless, hatefull, incomplete, I am going to forgive myself, and forgive you.

I guess there is nothing more to say.

Day 77 – Being a ‘Man’

Hello all, I am going to talk about ‘Being a man, and how I use it in my mind’. I’ll say what it meant during my life and how it defined me, and what it means now for me from my honesty.

Throughout all my life I would develop this concept that being a man meant having all the attention, being looked at, being admired, being the best, never feeling bad, never missing a chance, never being critized, being perfect, being better, being a god. Never making mistakes. Making others like you, accepting their views, because if you satisfy them then you will be a god. Being a man meant for me, that I would accept the system, my parents, the teachers, I would accept them and make them happy, because it seemed like there was something wrong with me, because I felt in a certain way, I was a rebelious person, I didn’t want to simply obay the system, so I thought that there was something wrong with me, I thought a man would have solved all the conflict that there was in my life, he would have been perfect. I always took everything into me and said, this is happening because of myself, I couldn’t be man enough, and now the conflict that I am facing, all this energy that they are sending to me, it’s my fault. I created this, for not being man enough, because real men are perfect, nothing bad ever happens to them.

This is most of I have felt through my life in relation to the term ‘Man’. Also, I would feel the objectification of men, like, if I am muscular I’ll be pretty. And more things, but they are secundary. For me, being a man was a matter of my heart, rather than social media. Social media affected me, but I was always related to this term through my heart, and that’s from most of it was created. I could also see movies, and see and certain picture of being a ‘real man’, a gentlemen, protecting the woman, being secure of himself, not having fear, being stronge. And I mean, I am not totally against that, they are some atributes that I like. Even if it’s not the real representation of a man, even if men are sensitives too, I like some of those qualities.

And this leads me to what being a man means now for me. For me, being man, being my gender, means being a person, and everything should mean that, right? Everything must be honest, real, best for all, it’s what we are here to create.

Being a man for me now means basically being a person, and I would say it has the traditional qualities of a ‘Man’, they are good, I like them. Some of them are: standing for my own truth, being stronge to stand for myself, being honest even when I am emotional, because it is what is best for me, I deep in myself know what is best for myself without going into emotional states. Protecting others, because I want to be here in this world to have value, to share my part, and by doing that I protect them, with what I have and what I can, without expecting anything. Being brave, when facing fear. Being secure within myself when facing conflict. Doing what is best for me. Trying to bring a better me each day. I want to lead this world, I want to lead people, not because I have desires, but because I want to share what I have, and I want everyone leading and sharing.

So I would say that I like the traditional image of a man, it’s like, god. An absolute truth that works in all possible scenarios. What I don’t like about it, it’s the way that we men use that to judge ourselves. Instead of taking responsability, we use it to punish us for failing, to say ‘I am not perfect and I deserve to feel bad’. Men are never borned perfect, and they will never be ‘perfect’, and they don’t need perfection, it’s not okay to aspire to something that is not ourselves, it’s not real. We fail, we have a heart, and that’s needed, it should not be rejected, it makes us more human, with a greater view. The only real error is seeing something and not acting, it’s knowing, but not applying. We need and want to have a purpose, and give all our lives to it. And we chase perfection, we chase truth, we chase power, not for ourselves, but for this world, for everybody, for the truth that was borned with us when we came to this existence. It’s just that the search we call life, it’s easier if you learn how to take care of yourself, that’s also part of being a man. Accepting every part of you, learning from everything, being kind, being weak, being emotional, being irrational, doing instead of thinking, feeling, enjoying, forgiving, being loving towards yourself. Appreciating yourself for who you are, and not for who you could be. Crying because the world is not fair. Accepting that you have fear, you are not perfect, and being okay with that. And going to rest because there is nothing that moves you today.

So, what are we men trying to be, what do we want to achieve, if we can’t. If it’s not part of who we are. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to grow, to have a purpose in my life. It simply means that I am never going to get it. And I think so, I think I will never be a person who will say “I will never regret anything, because I am perfect, and I won’t ever make a mistake, because I have learnt from everything”. It’s not realistic. But I can support myself, in the moments I fail, which means throughout all my life. I think I have to learn how to support myself, instead of how to be perfect. Learning how to support myself is another story, different, because you are there supporting that which doesn’t make you the man you want to be. Maybe men are not real. Maybe I am just a person.

That’s it.

Day 76 – Life realizations

I don’t know what exactly I am going to talk about, but I have some ideas.

I could start by the nicest thing I can share. Singing. After months of working on my singing voice, I found the ‘click’, I found that place in my voice where I sing and I feel absolutely no effort, everything comes out naturally, and the techniques I was trying to do with so much effort are much more easier and simple to do. This has support me a lot, because my voice is a powerfull tool, and I want to use my voice to sing. I don’t like using my voice because I feel I have to, because I have to say “hello” and “thank you” when I am at the store, I don’t like using my voice like if I was not there, like if it was a dead voice, like if it was normal, like everyone else. My voice it’s something that works by itself, it comes or not, I won’t force it, I won’t abuse it, it’s there to create melodies, not to work in an artifitial way. And this realization is amazing, because I desired very deep inside myself to have my voice in control, and it was through singing and discovering myself and my mind without fear that I learnt how to sing as I speak and speak as I sing. I feel that nothing is going to take me out of control, and since I have finally managed to discover the ‘click’, the no effort point inside my voice, I have no anxiety. Because I walk through this world following my truth, being who I am, doing the simplicity of life, and also my voice will stand for that. And this is a gift, specially because I can show in my voice while singing everything that is inside of me, the potential I have always known I have. It’s something alive now, but something that I still trying to bring to every part of me. Also, it has had surprising benefitial effects for things world, for example when I talk to people, it’s like if my voice was magnetic, and they listen and learn. They learn to have more ego? They probably do (most of people of this society), but I still have the chance to show to them who I am, even if it’s simply hearing my voice, seeing my rythm, even if I can’t make them see what it’s like life for me with the sound of my voice, even if they feel like I am supporting their ego, even if they feel more powerfull, even if they say I am a nice person because they feel supported, some reality is getting through my mind and entering inside of them and this world, the little that can enter it’s in there. I live in my own world and there is a huge distance between that and this society, so I think that it’s benefitial for them to hear me and to feel something that is changing the enviroment. It’s not like I think about any of these things, these things just happen. And I don’t try my voice to sound in any way, I don’t want any energy in particular, but also I am relaxed, and not only that, I have inspiration in my brain, so I guess that even if I am not trying anything my voice and manners have some colour. Since I am here at this point, talking about this right now, I’d like to share with you reader something that I have discovered. I had this ability when I was a child, but I had no attention from anyone to develop it. This state that I just described, not trying anything, but relaxed, and with inspiration, this state can produce anything I want. I use that to sing with colour, to sing with fear if I want fear, real fear, or with passion, or happiness, or nostalgia, anything I want to feel will be there since I have inspiration to create it. But this inspiration by itself, it’s the potential of the life, it’s not any of those states I said. In fact I consume it to create the states, and the states are so real. If I don’t do that I can’t share it, when I share it it’s expressed, and I am in this life to express and to share. But my goal is to support the point where every state is created from in itself.

I have some more things to share, I’ll talk about them now. You see? This happens to me a lot, I come without knowing what to talk and my life starts opening up. So, what else to talk about… My point of awareness. That point is the point that I was when I was young. And things were much more good and honest back them, so I am slowly but surely cleaning myself from this mind. How am I doing that? I see a thought, a random thought, and I track it back to it’s roots. I always find there a past, about me, my life, my attachments. And then I can follow it to its mind construct, its house, its home, and there I can see the bigger picture that I have to deal with, I’ll put an example okay?

I am walking, just walking, and suddenly I think “What if I lose the keys?”, I track it and I see that it belongs to “Fear of failure”, to “Important things”, to “Dishonesty”, these are some examples. Fear of failure because I am afraid of loosing my keys when that, by itself, does nothing to support me. To Important things because important things are things to have fear about, because about meaningless things I won’t feel about. And dishonesty because if I am honesty, if I make sure I won’t lose my picks, that’s all I can do, and they probably won’t get lost. These are some of the paths that I followed when I noticed the thought of “What if I lose my keys?”, then I go even deeper. From where is all of this coming from? From my fother. My fother is what we would call a lost person. Nothing that you will do will ever be enough, and he won’t move himself even a little bit. Why? Because controll, and because mind, and because fear. And I am tired of people like that, it’s just non-sense. He showed me, well, he brainwashed me literally since I was a little child, in the same way that he has brainwashed himself through his life. I can say a lot of perspectives about it, but I will resume them in one sentence, it’s what he has said to his life: “Nothing that you will ever do will make me believe that life can be different, doesn’t matter if you are a child and you are so inspired, doesn’t matter if you are an adult and you explain to me, I am so lost, I have so much fear, I suffer so much from this thing that I call ‘life’ that, if I just stopped now, if I only stopped for the smallest moment, I would see that my whole life is useless, that I could have done everything in a different way. So I will avoid looking at myself for a single moment, until I die, so at least I can die with the illution that ‘I am perfect’.” And, I just remembered something about my childhood. I am surprised that I was so smart when I was a child!! I remember trying to support my fother, I remember trying to show him that things are different, that he doesn’t need to be like that, that it’s not okay, that it’s non-sense, that he must trust me, that he can change himself, he is just afraid to do it. I remember doing this as a child, and I remember the same answer over and over “Life is not real, life is lost, accept it, because it is what it is”. Because of these things and more, I am tired of my fother. And I am in this world to share and show who I am, and it’s a miracle that I managed to be here. And I am not even here, I am half-awake, I have a lot of mind, but I can see who I am, the simplicity that I am. I don’t know how it ended like this, I don’t know why or how but I am going to do my best to support myself and this world. And maybe I get the same result: other people realizing.. I don’t know how or why, but I am here, and I am going to share myself with this world.

That is what this world must be, if we support each other.

And well, I don’t know how to end this blog, it has been a big trip for me, I’ll continue to share my life here in the future, and I will continue to prove to closed-minded people that if they say ‘No because no’ I will say ‘Yes because yes’.

And one last sentence to end. There is never a reality enslaving you forever in your mind, it’s all about your honesty, about who you are, about who and what you are inside yourself, there is never something that has no solution, I stand for this, and I’ll show you how to create life.

 

Day 75 – Privilege, Fame, Real heart

I am going to talk about the heart, and about the real heart.

So the heart is something that artists and nice people have, it’s like, enjoying the moment. In particular, I am a musician, who also sings. I have seeing artists, opening their hearts in stages. I have seen what I would feel if I was there, how personal would my story in my mind be in that situation, my heart would be touched in such a way, with the rest of the artists, in front of a big audicience, or the whole world watching. Not only that, I have imagined myself having the biggests peaks, feeling exactly the end of the road, which means, when I have really really felt that which I in my heart seek to find. That’s what I call my heart because, it’s the emotions, it’s the beauty of a moment, of a soul, it’s your ability to be real, open, to show how healthy your beingness is, how much power you have. I have seen artists going there, to what I call the end of the road, and feeling it. It must be quite a story for the heart. I have also seen normal people go to fame, and social privilege, receveing the energy of a lot of fans, and I have seen their faces changed, they are so happy now, so relaxed, they are so top. And I mean it feels like that, you feel powerfull, normal situations are easy to handle after handling a huge audience, you feel so superior.

I like this, I like all of this, this is fantastic. This is which every human must find, this is what everyone must discover, instead of filling the mind with useless experiences or even painfull.

But I have been thinking, what is this? This, by itself, the reality of this situation, is this my purpose in this life? Is this what I was looking for? Coming here, feeling it, and then living the life? Being amazed with my heart? Feeling unique, being really unique, being happy and relaxed, feeling good in a privilege situation, accepting it because I deserve it. What is real inside my artist heart? What is it? What does it do?

The heart, by itself, it’s something that attracts others, and that’s cool, they are attracted for a reason. That by itself, it’s not bad. But what does the heart do? What life do you create with it? Do you live with it, get to the end of the road, be relaxed, and then get old, and probably die? And what? And you believe you did amazing things, because of your heart, but did you? Did you really? Was your heart an excuse to enjoy this life? What do you receive, when you are about to die, and you look at your whole beautiful life full of your heart and the experiences, what do you receive? The truth is that, it by itself, makes you receive nothing, in fact it makes harder for you to leave this life. Because you are going to say goodbye to everything, and yes, you are old and relaxed and you don’t care anymore, but you were this person, and you will have to face it.

So then, what is a real heart? A real heart is something that nobody will ever see, it’s not something that you will feel with friends in a stage in front of a crowd of people saying your name. I believe that, a real heart is when you are about to die and you say to yourself: okay, now everything is going to leave me, I am going to leave this world. Now that I am leaving, I have so much to give, I could give everything, but is there time left for me?

So for me, the real heart is not something that you feel if you are a cool artist and you have that magic, the real heart is doing something with it, it’s treating others with it, giving it to them, making them your equals, teaching them, it’s accepting that you don’t deserve to have more, it’s actually being real, doing something with what you have to create an impact in this world. It’s not feeling special like all singers do, that by itself it’s just an experience, in fact it makes you fool. It makes you a fool that’s what I think, you are there feeling it like if you were doing something, but it’s just the experience, there is no greatness there, greatness is giving to this world something else than yourself. But that’s very hard to accept, because only you would notice, and you could lose things inside yourself. But the point is that when you are about to die, you will be a complete different person if you are aware.

So a real heart it’s not what I call my heart, my heart is an experience, and I love that experience, there is nothing I hate about it, and it’s my job and my passion and I could be hours talking about it. But the point is, a real heart is what you look for if you want to create a life that is cool and has value. And a real heart it’s not an experience, it’s not simply being able to go to heaven in this earth, is that even heaven? Is that even real? Are you really in heaven? Where are you? I know everything feels so personal, you are so emotional, everything is so beautiful, but where really are you? In what reality are you living? We live in a reality where we can have or give, and this world is a hell for a very big part of its reality. And what will happen if you give? You will die someday, there is no escape from that, and you will say I gave so much, my “pain” was so real, but it wasn’t just a pain, I really inside myself wanted to do it, deep inside myself I could do it and I decided to, and now I am here, everything is going to end and, is there something else to be given? If you have given everything what else do you expect from anything in life? Do you have any desire? How are you? Are you fine? Then probably, it’s the happiest day of your life, what else do we desire but dying full of acceptance and happiness? That’s the purpose of all this life.

Then, the heart by itself, it’s just an experience. I know it can get very big, very very big, and that can posses you. My advice is don’t let the experience be more than you, there is not one single thing that defines us. Use what you have to create a better you, a more supportive you, make yourself even greater, you deserve it. When something makes you a great person, and it also makes the other person a great one too, then it’s real.

Maybe great people doesn’t need you in any way whatsoever to tell them they are great.

Day 74 – Supporting a dog

I am here today in this blog to share a moment I had with my dog.

When I arrived yesterday after 2 days of not being home my dog was very very energic to see me! And I felt the same because I also missed her. This happened because we both have a stronge connection, a very curious one. When I am home, in normal moments, we look to each other deeply. But it’s a look that has the particular feeling of being relaxed, of being here in the present, of being our true expression, of discovering ourselves, of trusting each other, of appreciating the time we have together, of seeing inside the time we have together so we discover something about ourselves. So, she most of the times works as support for me, because she is looking at me deeply, she wants me to look at her aswell, and what happens most of the time is that I look at her but I get distracted, because every 8 secs or so I have the anxiety bottom of my mind saying “HEY!, Feel this! Feel bad! Activate it! Remember?” and what I try to do is what I try when I focus in an activity I enjoy, or I am relaxed, or I am going to sleep. I try to be free, really free, whithout having to understand reality through this mind-fucked up-view. So she works as real support for me. Sometimes we are at the beach playing and I feel the same that when I am playing music with my friends or I am in concerts, it feels like something is pulling me out my chest, my heart, my soul, and saying look hoooooooow faaaar I can go!! Yeahhh!!! So when we are at the beach playing it absolutely feels like that, like my heart being expressed with more freedom, wildly, and discovering itself even more, and it’s not just me she feels the exact same, I can see it in her face of happy playing excited dog when I take one moment and play with her and pull her out of her confort zone lol. We both share there something that is fantastic. That same conection, it’s there when we look at each other at home, maybe it’s not so energetic, but it’s the same.

So, what I wanted to share is that I was sitting in my room, she was enjoying the sun next to the open door of the terrace that it’s in my room, and enjoying the wind aswell. And when she is like that she obviously has that godly look in her face of “look at me, be in my moment, hello! I love you”, so she was looking at me deeply, and I looked at her aswell. I did a good job being there in the moment and not activating my anxiety or any bullshit mind creation. And then I decided to take my guitar. A spanish guitar, that I can play in a soft warm tone, it for sure is not disturbing to the ears of a dog. I know a lot of spanish classical songs, so I decided to play something for her since I had aaall her attention. I realized in that moment when I started to play, that I have a power when I am playing guitar. For example, the previous moment I had no guitar and I was doing my best to be in the moment. The next moment I have the guitar and I have all my potential there to send her cosmic vibrations of energy and sound, that I create in real space-time with what I feel, that is connected to what I play, to the sound I create, to the look in my eyes. So I started to play a very beautiful song for her, and you may think that she is only a dog, and she is, but she absolutely liked the sound, it wasn’t annoying at all. I played one or two beautiful songs while looking at her, while playing with the tempo, while showing her the potential I have to feel and she absolutely got the message. I know that because I know my dog very well and I know how she feels at any given moment, but also I saw it in her eyes, her eyelids blinked briefly several times in a row, like if she was going to blink but she instantly regrets it and it becomes just that, a brief spasm of the eyelid. But what that meant was: Now I am not fighting with my anxiety, I am not clearing a moment of my mind to be here as my true expression. Now I managed to be my true expression, and after that I oppened my heart and its potential and I was able to create energy that I can direct, pure energy, and when I did that, while being supported with the feeling of the song I was playing, she received it. Because, she was looking at me deeply in first instance looking for that, looking for a connection between our hearts. So I felt the moment and the music, I saw her face and her eyelids do a small spasm, I knew she was feeling it, she also like, hmm, moved her head a bit, like if the wind had just slapped her and made her head fall back, but there was no wind, I believe it was the impression she had of what I was feeling. And then I do other thing I trully enjoy, that is singing her name. So if she hasn’t yet understood the message, I keep playing the beautiful song with my fingers of both and hands and I also sing her name very softly while I am looking at her, sending her energy, doing movements, playing with my mind. And her heart is touched aswell, because she feels the same.

So that was the moment. For me everything was one. The wind, the sun, her eyes, my eyes, the song, the sound, the feelings, the sky.

And our bond grows bigger, it supports us more, and I had a moment I trully enjoyed. And if someday I leave this earth or she does, we will be there for each other, saying “Don’t have fear, I am here”.

 

Day 73 – What real-time application means

Hello, I am going to talk right now about what I know is real time application within myself.

I’ll start by saying that I am not this, forever. Why not? Because I am very used to work through my mind. My mind is something automatic, it’s been there for so many years, that it starts working without me noticing. But even if I am working through the mind and it has started automatically, I always feel the same while I am in those moments. “Somebody help me I am trapped”. This sentence will be manifested with a, sensation of, what I am living right now, the story I have in my mind, doesn’t support me, it’s sucking out the resources of my body, I don’t even know why I am thinking about this particular thought in this way, it’s pointless. Why it’s pointless? Because it doesn’t support me, and it’s not my purpose. It’s a way of consuming my life, with mind stories, and not only that, I consume my life to not achieve anything, because I am not working to support my real eternal self-expression, I am working to feed this automatic mechanism that I have been using my whole life. It’s like, the mental door to my mind. Through there, you can see my whole mind, with all its different ways and forms, but in every one of them the same signature, the signature of my mind, my life, my energies, my memories, my traumas. When I come here to write myself, I most of the times come when I am myself. Myself feels like, a way of functioning in this world, in the totality of this world, my reality, that feels like if it had graze. Like if you could see everything from a third person point of view, and everything was what it is, simply what it is. And it’s so simple, I feel so alive, there is no more “This is beautiful so it’s hard to believe”, it’s simply moments where I give myself the luxury of just being here, letting the problems go, letting the obligations of my mind go, and I am simply here, in one moment. That moment feels very thin, it’s very small, it is simply the moment that I am existing in, but it’s in fact the absolute expression of my beingness. I am currently in my process, guiding every part of my mind back to myself, to the being that is me, the one that is not divided in pieces. It’s something difficult, that with the time it’s getting more and more simple. Also what happens is, one day I am myself, I feel this very same thing I am expressing now, this life that doesn’t seem to run out, and other day I am anxious, or I am simply working a lot in my mind because I feel I need to suffer. And it’s not a conscious decition, it’s the very automatic mechanism I said previously: “the story I have in my mind, doesn’t support me, it’s sucking out the resources of my body, I don’t even know why I am thinking about this in this way, it’s pointless”. So, this mechanism is where I go in my mind, when I am “normal”, when I am not focused, when I am distracted, when I just start something new suddenly, when the same story I have already faced repeats itself, when I forget my key, when I believe I have no solution because I have believed for so long that I have no solution and not only that, I have made sure that I would limit and asphyxiate myself to make things even harder because I have fear, I have fear of standing for my honesty because I am alone and lost, so I would asphyxiate myself to have the less chances to break free from the patterns. This would happen in this way, I would try to break free without doing it in real time application, and I would obviously fail and end  up giving the power of my reality to my mind, and then when I am again my honest self, I would say “no I am not this, there is no way that I am my honesty, because I have already tried to go through this way to try to break free from this toxic mind but I saw that there was no escape from this nightmare so the honest way (that should and that will be created if I ever want to be real) it’s closed in this direction”

So, there is a joyfull, funny, GREAT!, cool, and awesome perspective also. And it’s that, I am who I want to be, specially if I want to do what is best for all, because I like that purpose. And it’s not hard to believe, because this life is not a punishment, it’s a challence, and I want to give my 100% in that challence, and prove to myself how worthy I am of myself.

There are more perspectives about this, for example. When I have been a long period of time listening to my mind, listening to the voice that whispers “You are trapped… there is no solution… accept it…”, it’s me in fact who has the responsability, and it’s me in fact who is doing my actions, and it’s me in fact who decides that I am not going to be honest in this moment, because I have been blaming me for the energies for a so long of period of time, than if I just changed the direction now, to the total opposite, it would be like… oh man, really? It’s hard to accept. The point, and fact, is that I never regret doing it.  So this is why I only come to this blog to share my honesty, because if I share other things, I can regret it. I want to bring here only what I will never regret. It sometimes feels too good to be true lol but I have to accept it, when I am focused and self-centered I am not myself, I am superior to that, I am a bigger potential to express life.

So, when I manage to have moments free of everything, moments when my mind and my world just fits, nothing affects me, because I see it before it gets too close, and I understand it and direct it, when I manage to that, it’s not longer a matter of me choosing to do in the moments of my life what pleases me the most, what gives me the fun, it’s rather like… right now, I am so free, I see so clearly, that I am satisfied with anything, with the smallest thing. And then, I start to do things that feed my soul, my intelligence, that make me a more responsable person for everything and everyone, and my life goes in the right direction.

And, I don’t judge people so much, because it’s like, for example, if this person is being so arrogant towards me, if this person is presenting herself so superior and overconfident, it’s just the mindset that she has, even if she is using that against me, to attack me or humiliate me, it means that deep inside her she is a more sensitive person, a more emotional person, more than she is probably aware of, and she had to create this disbalance in his mind, she had to become this absolutely arrogant person to hide or supress that, so she could see herself as someone different, as a person who has what she is lacking of. And well, you are using it against me, but that’s fine, it’s just your mindset, I don’t see why would I react to you. Specially, when I am the same inside myself. I am also a mind.

The conclussion. What is real-time application? It can be as simple as allowing your true simple nature to be expressed, without blame, with a deep wise acceptance and kindness towards yourself.

So this is it, I have a big fun when I express myself. Because you know, in my beingness my reality happens and it’s there, but expressing it in real time in the blog and making it simple to understand it’s other story.

Cya!!!