Day 124 – My femenine side, love

I am goint to talk openly and honestly about this. I was not loved during my life, so I didn’t understand what it meant, and it’s a vital part of a duality between masculine/femenine, that I define as responsability/love. I have always thought of love as something achieved, complex, difficult, something which is not universal, something that I don’t even know if I will ever deserve. Growing in this world without love was like doing everything, but doing it for nothing. There was just no Me during all my life, I was getting nothing, I did nothing, and I believed myself to be out there, in some place, far far away. I always chased love, in some way or another, because I had denied it. I would create a lot of experiences within myself, all of them complex creative and cool, but in the end, I never arrived anywhere, there was nothing. But I always chased it, in some way or another, it was something I loved, my own love, I just loved it, I liked it, I knew it was right, but I distanced myself from it at a certain moment of my life, and I was alone. And then one day I was a grown up, and I had all this mind created, just to someday, maybe, at the end, find some love. I projected my own lack of love into my outter world, and I adored my desires, beause they meant something for me, they made me feel loved, complete, my desires were the way for me to get to love. And I idealized the projection of my desires, I could love them so much, because I did not love myself. I could really love them so much, I would give my life for them, the same way I would give my life for the love I had lost. Sometimes I would listen to a song, and this song in one moment was alive within me, and I arrived to love for one moment, for one moment I did not deny it, I simply went there and I felt confortable and secure and something happened within me, but it always happened irrationally, a sudden jump in a moment that happens, because I knew I was love myself, but I didn’t love myself. I did a lot of things because I did not love myself, I didn’t take me into consideration, I did a lot, a lot, probably more than you, and I didn’t know back then that if someday I loved myself I would have to face everything I had done. And so here I am.

What is love? Love is myself, and I am an expressive, direct, perfect, beautiful, alive, bright, realible, true, eternal, compassive, sharing, good, healing, heroic, legendaric, vulnerable, protector, one and equal, person. This is what I am. I don’t care what you think, I don’t care who you are, I don’t care, this is who I am, you can accept it or go away. You will never stop this, never again. I am this. I am this, do you understand?

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Day 123 – What a cat has taught me in 3 weeks

I’ll try to explain the whole story as briefly as possible.

The first time I saw the kitty, I felt a subconciouss rejectment towards him. I don’t know if it was because he was a baby, or because he was a baby cat. But his movements, they were so slow and dumb, so cute, that something in me felt like, okay I am not interested in you, I want nothing to do with you. It wasn’t like I literally said those words in my mind, but it was the ‘vibe’ of it.

But, I had made the decition of adopting a cat, and after making sure that I would be able to provide everything for him to have a happy life, I was determined, and it would be a new experience for me.

I had too many concerts back then, so I told the woman who was taking care of him to plays take care of him until I end the season in half a month. She gladly did. This made me feel a bit dissapointed, because I was interested on having the kitty from a very young age, as young as possible, and I even thought about looking for other kitties. Even saw the picture of one.

But it just, didn’t feel right, I knew that something was waiting for me in the cat I had already seen, it just didn’t fit in my mind to now change to another cat, even if he was younger and cutter. So I decided I would still commit to my cat and not change the destiny of life.

When I went to pick him up he was already 2 months and a half old or so. He was still a kitty, but he was on his way to become a young cat.

I had made up my mind to serve this cat with my maximun level of care, and that’s quite a lot for the mind body and soul of a cat. So from the first moment the kitty left his home, I tried to be his support, I showed to him how my voice sounds like, I wanted him to feel he had nothing to worry about.

The first days I introduced the kitty to its new home, I played with him a lot, and I started treating him like my new pet, like if he was a dog. After having a friendly dog for more than 8 years, and not knowing how cats exist, my first form of interaction with him was just like with a dog, because I wanted to create some kind of relationship between pet-owner, and I believed that this was the way it was done with cats.

The second day the cat was at home, he purred his first time towards me. I remember not knowing what it was, and I remember the look in his eyes. He didn’t know me, we didn’t have any trust, and when he purred at me and I looked at his eyes, he was like, sharing something with me but, in such a way! The best way to describe is like when you have fear of saying to someone that you love him, but you still want to do it and you do it, and not only that, you stop having fear, you unify with your truth and you say what you feel in the most sincere way. That same look a human has when he does that and he is pure and vulnerable, it’s what I saw in the eyes of my cat. I obviously accepted and I tried to show him my support, even if I didn’t really know what a cat desires back then.

Since the first night, the cat always sleeps with me, and the change I felt at my home before the cat and after the cat, was quite meaningfull. I felt like, if something was alive within me, an experience I can not define with words, I felt healthy, pure, new, empowered.

We started building the relationship we have today, and I didn’t know I would have to learn a lot. This cat showed everything to me. He educated me. I would always go to him wanting something, desiring, I could not stop it. I wanted something from the cat, and if he was a dog, we would have have it, this exange of energy, real energy that happens. But everytime I would go to the cat, I would not receive what I was expecting for.

And then one day, I learnt how to treat a cat, by looking at the way he purrs. It’s like, he is alive, a living cat, and he has a lot of life inside of him, so his life sometimes reaches a point where he is shining, literally, inside of him. Everything under controll! All okay! But, I am a cat and I am perceiving everything at once inside of me and my life wants me to express it right now. But I don’t even express it, it is expressed through me, beyond me, I remain as myself.  And then, the cat comes to you, but don’t get confused, he is not coming to you, you will not receive and he will not give, he is what he is.

But he still comes, because even if he won’t actively give and share something with me, he wants to be close to me, he doesn’t want to be alone, he prefers if I am around, if I pay attention to him and I look at what is happening inside of him. We don’t know what that is, it’s the flow of a cat’s live being experienced by him in a moment. And then he comes because he doesn’t want to be alone, and he shares it, but he shares it in such a way. You can not, and should not do anything, you will just ruin the experience for a cat by diminishing yourself, we must learn from the cat. For a cat, you are not allowing life to exist if you start having desires and acting towards something.

For me, the moment the cat purrs and comes to be next to me, I just stop. Everything is going to stop now, and now it’s a moment where I am simply here, looking at what is happening. If you do that, you will receive more. But it will come from yourself, it’s the lesson the cat is sharing with you. It does not come from him. You are responsable for your mind, and only then you both can meet. And you can really, really meet him, you can talk with one another, but aaalways you must remain as yourself, if not you will go backwards.

Then, when you have learnt it, the cat will come, and you will remain as yourself. And you will realize that he is not coming to you, he is not doing it because he is free, he was just passing by, in his own life, and he saw you, and he said hey, I see you, but I am myself, you should too, but I can’t do anything for you, don’t dare even asking me, just learn how to be yourself. And then something very very beautiful can happen, you can both remain free, as yourself, and you can have your moments where you (always remaning as yourself) say hello to each other and see how far you can go within that experience. And this is the lesson cats live and cats show the rest of us. When I look at my cat, I see myself, I see life in a very simple and unique way.

Cats are interesting beings. He always sleeps with me, so one day he did the unexpected, he started smelling my armpit. I thought it was normal and natural, he was just interested on getting to know who he is with. But he, seriously, loves the smell of my armpit, and it got to a point where I thought okay cat, you should now relax maybe you are smelling too hard. So now I try to bring a balance. I have nothing against him smelling me, but he must also remain as himself and not get all filthy with it. He just takes it too far. But, one night something very interesting happened. He started smelling my armpit and then he felt asleep there. And I realized something, my cat had never been with me in such a way. He sometimes would lay down next to me, but it wasn’t like with my dog, where we would just rest together and get energized, my cat would always be laying next to me, but alone, there was nothing going on between us.

So when he fell sleep in my armpit, I noticed something. And maybe it’s just my imagination, but I noticed something. I noticed that I still had a barrier against my cat, the same I had since the day I saw him for the first time, a resistance. I thought about the cat I had next to me, and I saw him in a different way, suddenly he was not my pet, he was an stranger, a random cat, an unknown being who happened to be so, so close to my skin, resting with me like if we were family. And I thought to myself, I can not love you.

But then something happened. It was the first time I felt a real conection with my cat. I realized that cats, like humans, also have a choice in loving you or not. They also choose, they also decide, it’s up to them, and I had not thought about that, never. I hadn’t seen my cat for what he is, a being with his own intelligence, who is alive and feels. And I realized, that the same way I had this resistance, my cat had it too. And I decided that I could love him, and I realized that I do love him more than I think, and I ever thought possible.

And then I felt what I used to feel with my dog, this exange of energy between a human and an animal. It’s like, you are both 1 body because you are conected, and you can talk to the cat and the cat can talk to you, he is alive, you can feel him and he can feel you. I was playing there with him for a while, I showed him something, he showed me something, it was just like that. And he also supported me in my process of life.

And this is all I have to say about my cat, you may not understand my words, but they are real and they mean a lot to me.

Now what awaits for me and my cat it’s a relationship where I will create “The supercat”. It will be basically a cat with superpowers that will rule over the rest of cats lol.

Cya!!

PS: They say that humans adore cats and they are their servants, but I from the first moment felt being adored myself.

Day 122 – Who are you when you look at yourself in the mirror?

I was just thinking about this question and looking at myself in the mirror, and asking myself who really am I.

I started writing in this blog the first time because I thought it was cool, and it was a way to express myself. In my life back then I barely had ways to express myself, I only had music and 90% of the songs I play are depressive, I have noticed that recently. My point is, in this blog I don’t show to myself who I am, in this blog I share the cool part, the part that supported me make the decition of expressing myself through writing. That part is very interesting, because it fundamently is more than me, it even forgives me things that I am not ready yet to forgive myself because I still blaming myself. So I have come to accept that yes, my cool part is one part of myself, it’s not the totallity of who I am, but it is a part of me, because I can talk from there, and I am different.

In this blog I share the moments and realizations that mean something to me. However, I was looking at the mirror, at my reflection and asking myself, who am I? Who do I really see in me? And I could easily say it, because it is always there. I saw an ugly, unworthy, fearfull, anxious person. I saw something which is not cool, but yet it is who I am. It is because it is who I allow myself to perceive myself as. I also saw how in my life, the people around doesn’t know how to support/love me. And the people that do, are only a few in comparation to the big ammount of people who does not support me. And I realized, that nobody of the people around, not even the people with good intentions, is able to love me or understand me. Why? Because any of them has forgiven him/her self. That means that they will never be able to forgive me, if they don’t know how to forgive themselves they don’t know how to forgive another, and I will never hear a sincere ‘hey, you are doing it fine, I see it, keep it up’ it will never happen because even in the best moments we have together, they are only able to say to me, hey you do suck, but I suppose it is not that bad. And this happens simply because one can not do for another, what he has not done to himself yet. This realization about self-forgiveness made me feel like if I was alone, very alone, and actually that was cool. Because I am tired of listening to people, it’s not a good decition. Self-forgiveness it’s not about self-forgiveness itself, it is about our life, about what we give to others. So everybody knows perfectly what self-forgiveness is. And nobody cares.

Then people use my weak spots, the same spots I have revealed to them because I don’t hide them, I am a natural person, to make me react, to try to enslave me, to judge me and to make feel bad, like if they themselves were perfect you know? When actually they know nothing about perfection, only about supporting the mind that enslaves humans beings, and they develop that skill to see where in themselves and in the rest of the people they can release more energy. They answer questions simply to not be wrong, to not lose, and they will protect that lie with their lifes.

I revealed myself to you not because I wanted to be judged and insulted, but because I wanted to show it to this world, and say hey! Look I have no fear! Perhaps we can then both grow from it forgive it and let it go! But, instead? I was insulted, betrayed, I lost social status because I didn’t pretend to be perfect like everybody pretends. So I have learnt that it is not good to say to any of these kind of people who I really am. To be absolutely closed is the best for me, since I will only get hurt if I try to do anything. And anyway, why do I ask for people to support my own self-forgiveness if i am not yet the perspn who has forgiven himself?

So, I am taking out everything that has happen in relation to these people, and from now on I live myself alone, as I was already doing in fact, just that now I won’t have to deal also with the processes of the rest of the people.

Back to the topic, in the mirror I saw those two me’s, one that only exists within myself, and another that, basically has been supported by almost all the people I have known.

And so, what I wanted to share is that I know who I really am, I am not dening that for a single second, not anymore, I am living with who I am, next to myself, if I think all those bad things about myself, that’s fine, it’s what I think of me, I am glad I am not dening it, I am glad I am not pretending to be somebody I am not, I want to be conected to who I am. Why? Because I can then simply live, and see who am I going to be in this life, I can develop my potential of being, I can show to myself that there is a purpose why I am alive, and it’s not anything separated, from me, it is my own purpose. And fear is scary, but it starts with self-acceptance.

 

Day 121 – The responsability of self-love

For me, loving myself it’s a very big, complex experience. It’s not something that happens in a moment, or something suddenly gifted to you by the grace of god, it’s something that you create, manifest, and take care of each day of your life, and it involves a lot of different factors, and if any of them starts failing, I may start failing to myself, and then one day I’ll wake up and I won’t know who I am, or what I am living towards.

And I don’t mean to be in the extreme of living only towards something all the time, but we are certainly living to create something for us which is forever, that we then can share with the rest of the people. That experience for me, involves a lot of focus and commitment.

Eating healthy, doing physical exercice, learning how to be better in my job, meditating and letting everything that my mind consists of in a moment go, cleaning my house and having everything in place, taking care of my pet, having meaningfull interactions with my friends, revisiting my past memories to see if they still influence myself, managing my money, expanding in my job and my proffesional opportunities, studing, learning from my dreams, checking the quality of my sleep, playing the guitar and singing for fun, organizing my mind.

So these are some of the things my life consits of, these are things that I devote my life to, because I want my life to mean something for me, and I’d like one day to give to this world my own part, that I have created from zero, which adds something to the final outcome of all humanity. For me life is not about being the best I can to beat others to be better than them and gain more money and be in a better position and then have the hottest girlfriend who adds 0 value for me as a person but I still love her because she is hot and she is only with me because of my money or power and she will never in fact, know who I really am. So no. Yes I am in this world, but no I don’t live to be better than others. I don’t care if someone believes that I won’t achieve as many things as you because you have ego and hurt people and that makes you able to take their part, we have different paths, sharing is something that exists in human life, and you can be sure of something, my starting point takes everything and everyone into consideration, my starting point is the starting point of life, something which I can not deny, because then it wouldn’t matter how much I achieve, I would not gain anything.

So, going back to the topic, my life consists of a lot of things. What happens is that if I start failing to 1 of my obligations, then I could fail to the second, and third. And then I end being beaten up by own mind, and I am isolated within my own mind, and now I don’t exist towards my purpose in my life. Now I no longer decide for myself, I simply try to exist in a mind lazy addiction which does not care about potential, only about what is good in the moment and makes me relax.

And I don’t like to give up on my own life, because it does not make me happy. What it makes me happy and able to express myself and my life is to know that I have integrity and I am doing everything I can for myself and my own development. And then if I do that, I can express a part of myself and know that it’s real, and it’s justified. If not, I am lying to you, I am creating cool words, or cool experiences, or lessons, that in my life I am not living and they mean nothing to anyone.

So this is the commitment that self-love consists of. To achieve it, simply don’t give up on yourself, and you’ll see that you get unexpected rewards from it.

And that’s everything, keep it up and it will be up!

Day 120 – The experience of falling in love

I am going to explain things simply as they are.

We men, when we see a woman, we can see beauty or not see it. Most men get confused by it, because since it’s a force, we get missleaded, and basically end up believing that this woman is beautiful because she is blonde, or because she has atractive curves. These are things that seem something, but the more you look at what it ‘seems’, the less important it becomes. And you end accepting that, the beauty of a woman it’s not found in the way 97% of men judge that by.

What I first do, is stop all the things that a woman ‘seems’, and then look at who she is. For that I look at two places, her mind and her face. It really is all that takes to know a person. If the woman has a certain mind, inmature, which still needs development, I will try to help the person. Not like I will ‘try’, my door is simply open for her, in case she is interested on having an interesting conversation which brings growth for both of us. When I look at the mind I don’t want to get benefit of that mind, I don’t to think to myself ‘I could receive a lot from this mind in a relationship’, no. I don’t look for something that fits in me, that supports my own mind, and in the hards times, the times of growuth, it tells me “it’s fine” when I know deep within myself that it’s not. I want a challence, for both of us, something that I can work with, something that is real, and will always be with me no matter what, because it was never about us being together and satisfied within our minds, it was about who we are as a person, and who we are becoming.

Then I look at the face, and the way we men see woman, within the context of relationships, it’s simply like if you saw something beautiful. Like when you have fun with a friend, or sing a song, or write a blog, or love your pet, or enjoy your food, or see the rain or whatever. It’s just something beautiful, and you don’t know what it is but it is alive within you. It’s like if something was awaken now within you, and with it you are able to express your own life.

Because of the nature of this essential part of life, I decided that I would always remain as myself. Always. And I’d be prepared for anything. If I don’t do that, if I sell myself to the relationship, if I allow it to change who I am, then I know things will have and end. I know I lied to myself, I knew it and I allowed it to be more than me, and then I created my own fear, my own enslavement. This is something important for me, for my life, that’s why the woman must be able to support the true expression of each individual.

That’s why I decided to do this blog in first place, because within my own process of life I have changed who I am towards relationships. Relationships are there for me to express who I am within myself, not to go there blindly and enjoy and abuse and believe that this energy is me and it’s going to be forever with me and blablabla. These are words that we humans say, even if they don’t exist, when we make the act of selling our mind to a relationship.

Now the purpose of this blog is to express who would I be if I felt that my life is connected to another life through a relationship, one that I have decided for myself. The words I’d live would be something like: ecstatic, lovely, happy, relaxed, secure, certain, powerfull, free, expressive.

Now what I am going to do, is reduce this experience to just one word, “Expressive”.

And now I am going to learn how to live this word within my life, because I am already here within me, I have all that I need to delevop myself, I live freely, I am a joyfull person, I am honest and I stand in my own ground.

I can fall in love with myself, a little bit, I can appreciate myself for who I am, and recognize who I am, and allow myself to express myself without fear, with inner-trust, with my heart.

I just can, so I will.

 

Day 119 – Reacting vs understanding

We love when we understand things. We see the situation with a clear vision, from a detached perspective, where we are able to look at things from a bigger picture. And we love looking at things from a bigger picture, it makes us feel real, with power of creation, we don’t feel defined by anything, we feel our own choice and its effect in this world.

What happens is that we are not made only of understanding, we are made also of reactions. And reactions get in the way of creation. Creation, by its own definition, it’s an unselfish action, that makes this world a better place for everyone. Reactions on the other hand, are made of an empty substance. They are made of justifications, excuses. They believe themselves to be god, simply because they are made of ‘control’, or fear. Reactions, by themselves, give and add nothing to anything, they simply say in a disrespectfull manner “HEY! I EXIST, therefore I AM RIGHT!” And this is what the mind is made of, just, ego. Since I exist, I am right, I don’t need to justify how I am adding anything to the bigger picture, I am an opinion based on only myself which I perceive to be the most important thing in all of the existence, and I should rule over the entire existence, because I am absolute truth, and I need to justify all of this.

Reactions are merely a moment of numbness, like a drug, a mind drug, they posses the person and they take their place instead, and now the person is no longer a person, only an ego based being who believe his opinion to be god. There are a lot of kind of excitements and different drugs in this world, but the bigger one, the most impactfull one, and the one who rules over the rest of drugs, is our mind. And our mind is made of ramifications of thoughts and polarities, and core points of those ramifications, that look like wounds in the physical body, where those ramifications are originated from.

Through self-forgiveness, we clear ourselves from those ramifications, it’s a process that takes physical time which is slow and requires patience. Self-forgiveness is when you say to your own mind, enough, reactions are not supporting me, I justify my reactions because I perceive them to be more than me and be my master, but in fact I am more than my reactions, and I am willing to create something meaningfull in this world, I don’t want to be eternally a being based on opinions and reactions. Through self-forgiveness you say to your own self: I am already free, I am already able to take responsability for myself and my situation, I won’t blame anything or anyone, now I choose who I am, and if I am really who I am, that means that I won’t need to blame or justify or to diminish myself. I need to forgive everyone and everything because the responsability of being who I am was always mine, it was always there, and if I don’t make that choice it will never be done. I must walk that path and be trully free, so I can create and support myself and everyone else. Self-forgiveness implies self-responsability.

A being who is self-responsable, doesn’t need to react. It is just not needed, reacting instead of understanding it’s something meaningless, pointless, it doesn’t mean anything, it’s simply a reaction that you have because you want because you desire it. And what I want to say is that we can all be different individuals from unity, without unity between everyone nothing is going to be possible. Unity is achieved through self-forgiveness, when you realize that you are whole, you are creator and creation. And so is everyone else.

So, reactions dissempower yourself, and mean nothing. They mean you diminishing yourself and then justifing it. Instead of reacting and creating energy that creates mind possesions and conflicts,  we could try understanding, and through understanding between one another, we would realize that everything is possible. We must stop living focused on self-interest, it’s something which is better for everyone.

Day 118 – Forgiveness towards my world

I am going to try something new, and I am going to apply self-forgiveness for my world instead of only for myself.

I am going to start with the bigger ones, the ones that I have left to be forgiven ‘later’, the ones that I still reacting to and enslaving myself to.

My mother: Well, yes I obviously still feel hurt because of you, the simple fact of thinking about how I feel about you after everything almost makes me cry, and I don’t think I should feel this way, because it does not empower me to live my potential. I still feeling hurt, because I still blaming you, because I still think you are worse than me, you did something to me, and you deserve to be punished. And the reality is, I don’t know if you deserve punishment, probably yes, or probably no because you deserve just what you are, but it’s not up to me to make that decition, it’s certainly not my decition. Because I simply believe in myself, and if I believe that I myself exist, that means that you exist too, and that means that you will be what you are, and you will experience what you have done. Then it just makes me sad that you have done this to your life, you didn’t have to. And you just don’t see it, I think it is because if you opened the door of ‘seeing’, you would be absolutely destroyed by it. But it will come sooner or later, I think you are just making it worse for yourself, there is no escape from who you are. So, it’s also very tricky what happens in the mind of a child. We are forced to believe that something has been done to ourselves, because we are not able to accept that we are alone. We prefer to feel that we are something in this world, rather than feeling we are nothing but out of this world. It’s just the way children are, we are vulnerable, because we are life itself, and we know nothing, we don’t have experience, we can be abused or supported, we are simply potential. So as a conclution, I don’t blame you anymore, because you are not me. If I have learnt something from you, it has been what I should not allow myself to be: a person who blames others for their own state of mind. So after all, you have been of support for me. And also if I think consciously about it, everything I felt because of you, it was because I allowed myself to, I knew all time that I was my own responsability within myself, I just couldn’t live it at that point. But now I can and I am more than willing to do it, because I feel that if I blame you eternally, me, myself, won’t forgive myself, so it’s just what I have to do. I don’t have any problem with accepting that you are not able to love yourself, it’s who you are, it’s your life.

My fother: I don’t blame you so much as I have done with my mother, with you I can see clearly how enslaved you are to yourself and how you suffer because of yourself. That’s why I have tried to help you, without blaming you, I have really tried to support you with an absolute clear starting point, and that’s much more than what you have done for me. If you had done that we could have been a ‘family’ or whatever, I don’t mind, but you still had the necessity of having power over me and proving to me that you are superior and there is nothing more ‘divine’ than you because other way you would reveal who you are, fear, and that’s basically how you lost your third son, because any of them want to see you in any way now, and someday you will have to face who you have allowed yourself to be towards the children that you love so much, the same way I have had to face who I am towards my fother. And I am relaxed with who I have been as a son, more than relaxed, I have done too much. And from that point, the same way I have done with my mother, I should forgive myself for any reaction. And go on living my life. I know how your mind works at a very deep level, I know that you believe that you are also at this point, and you have forgiven yourself, and you have given too much to your child. If you think that, if you have the opposite view of me, and you believe that the words I just wrote are a lie I say to myself to not take responsability for myself because I am wrong and I have fear, if that is the case, if you really feel like that about me and there is no way of us understanding each other because I say black and you white, then, as I have always said, it’s fine! If you don’t agree, it’s fine! Let’s at least support each other, and forgive ourselves. But what was your answer when I brought you to this point? Your answer was with only words, not with reality, actual physical reality. That’s why anything that you will ever do it will be for nothing. If your starting point is not honest within your physical reality, it’s all a lie, and you can dig as many words as you like, as many answers as you like, you can ‘copy paste’ my own self-forgiveness and then use it against me to prove yourself right, if your starting point is not honest, at some point you will find yourself saying something, and not doing it. And if you are no longer able to see the difference, if you are forever meant to believe that you are the words you say when in fact in physical reality it’s not happening, I think you are lost. And I don’t desire in any way to say these words, these words are not even mine, they are what they are, they are who you are. It’s not my opinion. So, that’s it! That’s Anu’s design, calling ‘Life’ to ‘Fear’.

My friends: I don’t like that I haven’t had unconditional friends, but, have I been that myself? Why do I ask for something that I have not been myself? I can’t expect the world to be a better place for my life experience if I am not that. So what I learnt from this (the parts that make me react in relation to the friendships I have had) it’s the way that ‘friendships’ work in this world. There exists no real friendship between humans beings in this world, we are too busy compiting between each other for our own lack of life, because if we stop we realize that we are made of fear, so we better run looking for more so we avoid looking at this emptiness.

My world: I expected more from you. And I used to ‘expect’ because I was not living in self-responsability. Wether it everything happened because I was a child or because I was not, it does not matter, who I am is who I am right now, and I don’t expect anything now, in this life or in the afterlife, now I take self-responsability the moment I see it.

My mind: My mind is a whole world in itself, but I’d like to apply self-forgiveness for one of its bigger parts. It’s the part of my mind that means: I distance myself from my physical reality, I go to some place in my mind chasing something and getting out of this moment and my breath, and then I blame my outside reality for it, or I start having fear, and then I fear my own fear, or I get even more unfocused on the physical reality that I am conected to through breath because, once I am unfocused, I almost feel alive if I unfocus myself more and more and go in the chase of something in an attempt to find myself, the same self I lost the moment I lost myself in my mind when I got out of my breath. So I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get out of my physical as breath, and then blaming any other thing because of my own decition.