Day 57 – Life and inspiration

Hey! I am working on my anxiety, my memories, all my world, so one day I can say that it’s solved and I create a better world. I don’t know yet how am I going to support this world, right now I am doing my best with what I have, and one day my life will be more or less solved and I will be able to do more things. Right now, I am focused on me, on developing me, but I mean that’s what is all about? How am I going to support others if I am not self-support. They make us believe that you can’t support others while self-supporting yourself, it’s totally untrue. It totally depends on you. My purpose in this life is to create something good, for everybody, but as me. In fact I could not be me if I wasn’t a free human being that does no harm, each day I learn to do less and less harm, and one day I’d like to be an absolute representation of a human being.

There is nothing wrong or selfish with being who you are, the person that you most enjoy, it’s just that the rest of this world, most of it it’s not the same, and we want to go there to solve this whole story called humanity. Something that supports me a lot in everything is music. In the past I would only really feel it sometimes, for example a listen a very beautiful song for first time and I instantly cry. I love sounds because they change based on who you are, it’s not something simple and stucked, the sounds of music are totally op to you. If you want I can tell you how I listen to music, how I try to enjoy art in general, how I live my life discovering this, how I develop it to its utmost potential. Since I was a child I had this, like a passion flowing through me in moments of inspiration. It’s something that you instantly say, this is me. I am here. It’s something that it’s not you, you don’t even care if it’s or it’s not, and it’s a total manifestation of the expression of your world inside of you, it’s something very personal, and open to everybody, it’s simply who you become in a moment, because if you want to support this world that door is totally open for you, it flows through your veins. I have developed this skill a lot, but yes I had it when I was a child, it was like something very sweet inside of me that I felt, like if I wanted to just be awesome. What I do, what happens to me now everytime I listen to a good song, it’s like if for a moment there was a moment of silence, there it’s absolute emptiness, for just 1 second, and then suddenly something is there, and I connect to the reality of the song, and this is something inside of us that I think we look for, because for me there is nothing else than that. So I listen to the good song, and how can I explain it, I just connect with it, and you can develop this, so that you can do it with your art, or simply with your expression, art is when you take the risk to live, and you become something of value for yourself. And don’t look at the art you have already created, in your past, to judge it, you can’t judge it, it happened in a moment of absolute expression, it’s more than you and you could not understand it, but you can create this thing that it’s more than you and you can’t judge, so that you stop judging yourself and you become something unconditional. Also don’t abuse it, you could not, and if you do you will wish you haven’t. Just enjoy the moments that it comes, and if it’s there, if you see it, just go in there and discover what life has given to you. Live can be beautiful if it’s full of moments like that, and you one day look at it and you can say goodbye to the good and the bad happily, you want to say goodbye, and with your life you were creating more and more stories, and some of them were beautiful and shiny and got close to the truth, and then you die, and it’s the most happy day of yor life, all stories have ended, you are back home, do you know what home means? Just home. And you don’t fear anymore, you are not fear, you know you are not fear. Why did we ever accept we are fear? Even if we die, why would we die with fear? That’s why we have to grow more and more, so we are ready to face the fear, to be more than the fear, and then we can live forever.

So this is what I wanted to say, a good advice, I do with me to discover who I am. When I listen to good songs, it’s now automatic, I just want to be one with the song, I can’t anymore to pretend that it’s not beautiful, well, fucking beautiful! And this is something that, like jimmy hendrix said, it’s something that can be in life, and it’s in live, specially when you are sharing your life with the life of others, it’s there to be shared, or at least expressed. It’s something that happens as one, you are doing something and suddenly a black hole of inspiration takes you to express something that is one, and you notice what the mind is doing, and you say to your mind, I don’t allow you! Anymore! I want to express all this inspiration!! And we all have energy so we all have inspiration, for me inspiration is the best state for energy, it’s where everything can happen. Literally everything.

And well, here I am developing this, when I see myself in a moment, and I have this expression, I take it and I expressed until I am calmed, and that’s a nice state, it’s like if I had worked for the good of this universe. I lost the ability to have these moments of pure expression, and what I fear about life is this, that you can come here and lose yourself, and you are always here!! But I don’t like the sensation of believing I am lost. But it’s just that, a sensation, I am everything, and I will be here always. It’s curious, you are there like, literally yourself, saying, where am I?? Where am I?

And this inspiration, has brought for me a big responsability. And within that it’s helping me organize all my life and experiences, so I don’t reapeat my same mistakes again.

Well that’s all, if you are full of energy like me and you hear a nice song, DON’T MISS THE MOMENT!! Literally black out, and join that song, the sounds and notes can reveal something about you. And let it be, let it totally be, it happens without you.

Cya!!

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Day 55 – Love

Hi! A lot of things are going on in my life. As always, I am going to write about what I feel like talking about.

I have been too blinded by my own ego. My life has been basically ego. The part of myself where I think about others, genuinely about their state of mind and well being, it has been a part of my life that… I can’t get benefit of, so thereforce it’s not cool, it doesn’t benefit me. I have been to blinded by my self-perception, always looking at my self, at what I do, without realizing that the rest of the people are doing and going through the same. I have learnt that, love is something I give myself to, it’s not something that can happen for me, but anyway I don’t fully understand what love is about. Maybe it’s about joining people, being with them, maybe what I am looking for is that, just seeing myself caring and loving those around me. And I can love people as much as I want, there are no barriers, nothing stops me, I am not so limited as I am only with myself, where I struggle with live and limitations. When I love I will be there showing something that I am not, because really, I am not that. But I mean, if I can show it, if I can give it, am I that? And by the way, who would I be if I was that? Would I be the same loving person? Is loving others supporting me?

I know I was not talking about relationships, but it’s what comes through. How is it that, the relationship I had almost a year ago with that woman, the relationship that ended badly, destroyed, like if everything was forgotten and we both were blinded, or maybe only me. How is it that that relationship made me feel so alive and loved? Is this simply a meaningless mechanism to enslave my consciousness? Is this bioligy saying “this is a way for you to have children” and nothing more? Was it just, fake energy that then dissapeared? Was I feeling loved after all my shitty life and I was projecting who I really in fact was into that relationship?

I don’t know, really, but I remember the begining of that relationship, the first year of discovery, and reading osho together and stuff alike, before everything started to fuck up, and it really felt amazing. Like if my life itself was alive again, really alive. Like if I could express with joy something within myself.

Maybe I am seeing here the potential of a relationship where both people support each other, to please not get attached, because everything is there, and atachment is just for nothing. I think a relationship like this must be something very cool.

So there is some people in my life that have loved me, nobody of them was unconditional. And I mean, that’s good news, they should not love my bullshit. So I guess I am the only one person who will love me unconditionally, because I have all my life here with me, and I will be with me until I die, and I have to see myself directly and learn from it. So I am both things, my most unworthy vertion and my hero. I really don’t want anybody to love me unconditionally, it’s non-sense. I don’t believe love is unconditional and forever, it can be for some moments, but you never know if that moment will remain forever.

I have considered a lot my self-love. And I have never really cared about how to love others, because it feels like it would not benefit me. Why do I live a live for self-benefit? Maybe because I want love from others, and I would abuse them or trick them for it. But I wasn’t always this improved vertion of myself, a long long time ago I knew how to love, but I mean it was before anything, before I started building this life. Back then I would just be it, I would be it myself, and I don’t belive that exists a person in this world that can be that and not love. If you are love you are love, it’s just how things work. Does this mean that all kids are good in nature? Maybe, probably. Ask a kid. Or feel a kid, you can see how they work, or remember how you worked, it was such a holy experience! Before I started creating all this bullshit. I can see it clearly when I find a point that I remember of me as a young being in this world, I see it I connect with it and bring that realization to here, it may seem a bit unreal after all this time, but that point where you see pure self existing exists, and if you find it you can see the change of perspective.

So, a life for self-benefit, where do I go with that? I benefit myself more and more my whole life and I am special and cool and liked and I have been all my life following myself, and I haven’t for a single moment stopped, to think about others. What then? What now? Obviously there is an end for it, death. But, in life, I believe that we bring a certain energy to live. This energy, the energy of something that is good for all, it’s different in nature than the energy that a person that works based on self-benefit can feel. A person of self-benefit can create energy, but I mean you have to learn how to be self-benefit and evolve it, it’s not something that comes with you here to this life. So maybe that is the difference of taste in the energies. The most beautiful holy energy that you can create based on self-benefit will never be something pure, existential, simple, natural, eternal. Is good for all something eternal? Yes, beause you can not lose it. I mean how are you going to lose yourself. But the benefit in the other hand is something you have, you posses, it’s your treasure, that’s why you need the energy and the things, to keep it alive. So this is the difference, one thing you can not lose it, the other thing you will most likely lose it anyway, it can’t be forever. If it was, it would not be. So what is forever? Should we invest our time in things that are forever? Maybe forever it’s just a word and it means, you don’t really win or lose, you simply grow.

I think this is one of the realizations that I can take with me: Don’t spend your whole life looking at yourself, only to notice that you could have cared about so much more, you had more than enough space for it, but you were blind and could not see other thing that your own benefit, and this is why you never really met those around you, you were not there. And here there was something of real value for you.

Maybe if I ever die, the first thing I see is, I wanted to show this to the whole world!!

So I am going to sleep now, it’s so late, it was cool!! Cya!

 

Day 55 – From no-mind to mind

I am going to explain.

When I see something that I want to follow in my life, I follow it completely, honestly. That is why, for these past months, I have been working on stopping and stopping my thoughts, every single day, I would say goodbye to the ideas that pop up in my mind, I would stop identifing with it, even if I think that it’s myself. Within that I find that I have more fredom to choose, once I have gone through that resistance. This has support me a lot, because I have for these last months worked on my inner self and realizing who I am, and developing the ability of using things in this world without getting attached to, and also doing things that I really, deep in myself enjoy, for example in the past I would think that going to the beach alone to see the beach and feel it it’s something boring, it’s just an avarage beach, and why would I spend my time there. But now, I have learn that anything can help me realize myself, and as a child I loved going to the beach, it was really funny and exciting, and this is just an example of how now I do what I deep inside myself want to do with fredom to choose, instead of just being carried by my mind and its energies.

So, I have made up my mind to follow a process of understanding how I work in myself, and based on what, and due to that, I would be literally days and days with no thoughts, no reactions, and if I react I understand it and forgive it, and this brought like a presence of silence within myself that was very similar to the one I had when I was a child. So I have really been tring this, in real time, living like this. And there were cool things like the ones I said, things that have helped me understand who I really am, things that have helped me understand others and don’t judge them or blame them, instead support them, but in first place always, being an individual being, that lives and individual live, so within that I would try that only I define my world, whether I have to forgive my self or not forgive myself, I would decide, in my view. Within that, also, being totally open to talk to people and understand one another, but always aware. So all this has really supported me, like if I was stopping being an addict to my mind, and learn that I can stop everything and being in my physical.

Also there have been other things, that I consider that wasn’t cool, and that is why I am saying goodbye to this phase and changing a little bit the path of my life. For example, to be so empty, separated me from this world, I would not be able to think on anything else than my mind state, I wouldn’t really feel like talking of other things with people, the conversations would be pointless for me, and I still feel that a bit, like if most conversations of people are nothing, conversations they have because they don’t really have anything and they want to talk because they need it and they will say any meaningless thing that they have lived. And it’s like, if I am always empty, what can I say when it’s my turn? It’s like… I would feel like expressing all at once, and saying a long sentence of “even if I live meaningless things aswell as washing the dishes, for example, I don’t think about it, it for me it’s not something that happens to me, I am invulnerable to the action, the action doesn’t affect me, there are no thoughts, so if I wash the dishes, everything that happens is I WAS THE DISHES, there is nothing to talk about, but since you are all saying anything that happened in your lives and saying it like if it was interesting or a brave story, I will just say something that also means nothing like this whole conversation “I washed the dishes today and I felt x”  “.    So this is one example, I would be so out of this world, out of the matrix, that I would not be able to have the conversations that people have in this world, because I would want to talk about something that is interesting… something that is happening in this world, and who we are as individuals in relation to it, so I would always end bringing my life to the conversation, and until the topic is the mind or something like that, that it’s where I am at, the conversation would not flow for me. When it flowed, the times it did, for example with my friends sometimes, I would be able to express to them what I am doing in my life, and it was cool.

So, in resumen, I feel very very disconected, I suppose that because I am alone and I don’t care if I am empty, if I am empty, the world has different laws, and maybe this is the main point of this blog of today, that I have been too separated from the real world. I don’t know.

So, I am saying all of this, because I am going to no longer focus on remaining empty. And I have followed desteni, and the videos, and I have really been honestly doing it, but to be really empty, to the point where it’s forever or something like that, I just don’t see a way of achieving that or standing as that right now. I feel that, I need to develop my mind, to work effectively in this world, with the people, at my work, I need to be just a normal mindy person, so that I can talk about meaningles things or whatever. And I want to do that because these people, all people, are my equals, and they are there, and I am abandoning everything when I am empty, and it’s just not working for me.

What have I decided? It’s not like I am leaving my process, I am mixing my mind with it, and this can be an anti-process thing, but right now is what I have decided. I want to build a mind that supports me to work in my job, and be with my friends and communiate normally without being in trance. So the cool thing is that, when I mix the two things, it’s not anymore like a struggle, or a tention, if I am empty I am empty, if I am in my mind I am in my mind, I am not like forcing myself to remain empty, and in this relaxed state things flow to emptiness, and it’s cool, I am totally not against it, I am simply saying that I am not going to forgive my mind every sngle moment, I want to learn to use it in every way possible, even if that means stopping my emptiness and having thoughts and whatever. I expect to be one and equal with my mind and my thoughts, so that they can be expressed whenever they feel like, and I will be in my process following my reactions as thoughts, always, to understand their nature, and see who am I within it. I really like that, I respect emptiness, and I appreciate it, and I want to be one and equal with it, and also I am not giving up to all my thoughts, because I just don’t understand how to do it right now. If I ever like, get to that state of emptiness forever, with no absolute ego, okay it will be cool, but what I feel I have to do in this moment of my life is develop a mind that supports me, as much as possible, and exists, and is as much as possible equal with my physical, and it allows me to go to emptiness- to mind- to emptiness- to mind without any resistance.

This doesn’t stop my inspiration, or my process, or my ability to stop myself completely and be in my physical to realize myself, this is just me saying, I am so honest that I have been as empty as I could for a long period of time, and right now I feel I can’t live forever in no thoughts, and I want to find myself in this existence of the mind, I don’t reject the mind anymore, I am not against thought, but I want to be one and equal to them, and my process is the same thing that it was, but I believed like, due to I have done my process honestly all this time, I could be empty forever, facing and then empty, facing forgiving and then empty, until I just vanish from earth or something and my life is what it has to be forever and I no longer exist. Maybe this is a more spiritual perspectiv, I am not sure.

But anyway, literally nothing has changed for me, only the point where I no longer fear or believe that I must stop all my mind. I want to exist, this is my next phase, let’s see who I am within it and keep bringing inspiration.

If you have anything you want to say about my process and my words, you are more than welcome to do so.

Cya!

Day 54 – Songs and memories

I’ll explain. I have always had an emotional conection with the songs I have liked the most, it’s like I would have a list not really based on the songs, but on the emotions and feelins I get with the songs, so basically the list of songs would really be a list of parts of me I feel, but I don’t fully understand, because they are like the parts of me that I, instead of understand, have just limited myself to feel like if I didn’t know from where it’s coming from and how the feeling was created.

So I would have songs that really represented my mind, and if I go deep in what the songs represents about me, I find memories reactions and a lot of feelings. And it’s very usefull and interesting to go deep, with no fear, and face the memories, what I find within that is, because of the lack of awareness I’ve had in my life and the overload of reactions and parts of me trapped, I always find that supressed, it feels like… a part of me I would rather not look directly, because I would be real, I would face something real, I would feel the moment again, and maybe.. I could release the charge and be that part forever honestly with me.

So it’s always very cool to go to the charged parts of the mind, they are the parts that we normally avoid, because they are the parts that represent us, at least more than the small parts that we find easy to face, because we don’t really have to do any effort there. But when your life is touched directly, when you are seeing something you lived and it was intense, when you know that you were not honest in that memory, because that moment is now charged with emotions/feelins you have felt and accumulated through time instead of being an honest memory of your unconditional self that represents the simplicity of who you are as life and equallity in eternity, then, there it’s the possibility of life without time loops. Life is not something you can abuse, it’s something that it’s not going to repeat itself for you to make you irresponsable and dishonest until you even get bored of that, life is only there as real if you don’t abuse it, if you are honest and responsable of your reality.

So, I would normally avoid with sutil movements in my mind, to see all my feelings involved in the songs I used to listen in the past, when they are in fact gifts about me that I can set free and face, I guess there was a fear of me becoming again who I was, and feeling what I felt, and being identified with that for a moment, that is scary, specially when your memories enslave you forever instead of supporting you forever, but I realized that if I don’t go there, into my world, the world I only have lived, the complete story that nobody is really going to understand because I only myself have been through that, if I don’t go there and face that, who is going to solve this, is this going to remain like that forever? Until when? Until I die and say finally goodbye to the memories I did not face? So I realized what is at the other side of self-honesty, and I’ll tell you what I have found there in me. I have found, even if it sounds typical, my inner child. And that is something that you can spend all your life looking for, being super succesfull famous rich beautiful and more, and you won’t be able to feel that again. As children we had all the potential there, as life, equal, it was there. And what I have found, is that if I am self-honest I can be again that very same thing that I believe is what we all humans look for, something that seems impossible to repeat itself again. However it’s something tricky, because we become so smart believing we know everything that we will miss it everytime, we won’t be here. And this is something I really appreciate, I can be here in the moment, for example looking at me in the mirror, and just looking at me, in the present, with no bullshit going on in my mind, I don’t miss the present, and that’s cool.

So I think that’s all, bye!!!

Oh one more thing, it’s cool to listen to the songs without projecting anything into them, if you dare to do that with the songs you have the most feelings of your life with, you will see that the song changes with you, and it becomes something alive and new again.

Day 53 – Fever

Hello, just a quick update about my process because I really want to write myself but I feel out of life.

I have been ill since I wrote my last post, with flu. I would love to say that it’s just a coincidence that I made such an interesting post for me my life and my process and suddenly I got very sick, and it probably it’s just a coincidence, but the fact is that it has supported me a lot, I explain.

I have felt a difference from the last time a was ill like months ago. Last time I was like, positively ill, I was there with the fever feeling cool and even enjoying it. This time it has been the opposite, I could not stop my mind, my systems were literally activated and I had become those parts of me and my mind and I was stucked in them. I had some nightmares at night even. The fact is that, after noticing this about my systems, and going to rest and be with my self, I could see how the fever could support me to get through my systems. I could literally stop all of them and go through there, which normally I am able to do, but, always in a state of… tention, like if I was not participating, but I still was agitated.

And this has helped me a lot, because I have been able to really see the difference between being in my mind, and being in my physical. And I can see clearly what thoughts do to me, how they make me believe they are the most important thing and I must sacrifice my resources just for my ego and then I am back to my physical body and it’s like… oh, life was here and I was just in a hollywood movie, I see. So, it has been very interesting to use the fever to support me and go very very deep in me and my systems, I at first even faced the points of I don’t want to be in a process, what is all of this, I don’t understand and there is no reason for me to do anything, I will be in these thoughts, and I could see those points and at the same time have the unconditional tools with me of self-honesty, these are tools that doesn’t necessarily lead me to take one path or the other, it’s more like, be free but always watching, always aware.

So, I still with fever, would love to express myself with the same inspiration but I don’t have energy, I will come back when I am able to continue in my process, for the moment just sharing how it has support me to become the unconditional expression of my physical here and what it means, it was very interesting. I could imagine how it would be like to be absolutely free, and this time I was really able to go through all the systems with no resistance, with fastness, and it has supported me a lot.

Bye!

Day 52 – Facing life in one moment

Hello, I am going to share more or less what has been my life, please don’t worry, everything is fine, I am honest now, I am just sharing my memories so I can learn from them.

 

I am having a hard time. This comes from an emotion I have, an emotion I supressed since I was a child, and it feels so real that my process becomes something secundary. If I am honest, this happens because I have not brought yet honesty to the situation, because I remember what my process of honesty made me feel, so I hope that with this writing I can face this.

This emotion, it’s like a depression I have carried since a veeeery early age. I want to say it, because it has come the moment for me to face it totally, so that in the future when I face the same I know how to not beat myself down. Since a very young age, I just gave up in anything for life. For me life was non-sense, because as a child I was in my own bubble, and then people would come and they would always bring the same feeling. It was like a low vibration, like if they were trying to destroy me, make me accept the world, because I knew that the world worked in that vibration, and I didn’t like it at all. What I really wanted to say it was, life can be more than that, you don’t have to do this, it’s not necessary, we could all be happy. But instead, I never opened it up, I protected myself from the world, I was scared, because the only thing that I knew it was real, it was only inside of me, and with the time that became more and more an illution…

So I protected myself from that, and I isolated myself from the rest of the world. I sometimes showed how I really was, but I was slowly but surely in the process of separatng myself from the world. Since a very young age the computer fascinated me, I could be free there and do whatever I wanted, I didn’t have to make effort, the computer accepted me totally as I was, and it became my friend, in internet I could just spend my time doing things that I was free with, it was the total opposite of school, of parents, of everything.  Of course, from a very young age, I discovered porn, and that I could stimulate myself the dissapear even more, so, I just thought, why the hell would I go into the system? What is there for me? Why do I have to listen to any word my parents says? What the hell is this world? The only thing I like, the only thing I belong, is my computer, and there is nothing more I want to develop, because there is nothing and nobody that can make me see something else, there is nobody who can convince me of anything, beause this world is all working in that vibration, and I am not a part of it, I don’t want to be there, I don’t have to be there, and you can’t force my inner reality to belong in there, I will isolate myself.

What happens when I child do this? The systems, the parents, will all create something in him. Instead of helping him, supporting him, trying to connect with him, talking to him, looking directly at what is happening, they will blame him, they will create something in him, so that even if he believes himself as free, he will start blaming him self. More, and more, and more. This make things much, much worse, because now you are not free to choose, now you are blaming yourself so much, that even if you wanted to decide to do other thing, you have this relation where you have even more energy and you are just stuked. So with this, I gave up school, literally. I enjoyed one or two things about school, winning tournaments for example, it made me feel like wow the most unexpect thing just happened, me Raúl won. I didn’t like being near children, they all wanted to beat you down, most of them, most of the time, sometimes it was like funny and in a bubble, but that only lasted for so long, before children started to become the world and really stopping the fredom that existed. The teachers were the worst, the traumatized children, they believed themselves to be god, and they created traumas in children. Within all of this, I stopped going to school with 10 years old, I simply blamed myself so much for doing nothing and wasting time, that I decided to even stopping going to class. I used to spend the whole morning doing something I enjoy, like being in the computer playing, and when my mother would come to house after work (my parents divorced very early, and me and my brother suffered the consecuences) I would pretend like I am coming from school, when in fact I am not. This caused me such a pain, because I wanted to be good, I wanted to feel of value, I knew in some way I had some value… but everything was against me, I myself was, so much. So I had some traumatic experiences when my mother found out, by that time I already was totally lost, I was unknown even for myself. I changed school, because of the problems I had with the teachers, I would always try to trick them so they believe I have I have been good and done my homework and stuff, and most of time I tricked them because they didn’t expect a child doing that kind of things, in fact I can count if my fingers the times I have done any homework in my life, even if I had good marks in exams (obviously without studing). So I changed school and then basically I was so fucked up that I never fit with new children, with some I did, I had some fun, but I still carried all my life with me. Then in school the same story repeated again and again. The teachers saw me so independient that they in fact started worring about me, and they put good marks to me without doing anything. My friends kind of admired me, because I was like the only one who is completely out, who dares to do anything, because I didn’t care about anything. When in fact I was the most fucked up of everybody. I simply spent my time in highschool having fun, as much as I was able to, and unlearning everything. Anyway, what is left of the knowledge that was shared now in the people that followed the system? Seriously, was it worth it? Are they better people? Do they even remember anything? Everything is now in wikipedia, it was all a waste of time.  Then my older friends introduced me to weed, and it was like, simply love. I finally, found that which can set me free. I have been looking for so long to find something like this, that I can call my love, and I can just die in here. So I met weed, I was instantly addicted to it, more than anyone of my friends. And then, wow, the perfect match, I met spirituallity. So I was really fucking out of the system, by that time I didn’t even care anymore about marks, so I simply quit highschool around 17 years old, by that time I had a girlfriend that fucked up my inner reality even more, she was kind of addict to me, and I was an asshole, so I like sucked out the life she had, so I could satify my ego, she was never happy, if she could understand she would have left me, but she also had her traumas, so we fit very well. It was the most awfull relationship I could possibly have, you don’t want to imagine. But there was something cool also, not everything was dead in us, it was not totally useless.

So there I was, no highschool, full weed, bad relationship with a hurtfull fate impressed on it, and I simply played games and wasted time. There was nothing else for me. Well, to be honest, there was something I always, always loved. My states didn’t matter, it was with me my whole life, and I never for a single moment felt against it, never. It was my guitars, and music. It was the only thing real that I had. And here comes the point that all my emotions come from, that is the point I wanted to face. I abandoned the only thing that made me something, I stopped playing, the more weed I smoked the less I played. I couldn’t see it, but I was suffering so much, and trying to repress so much that I was dening my only source of real happiness, this made me feel absolutely depressed, for real. I stopped gong to the conservatory, where I learnt classical guitar, something I never put any effort to, but that I enjoyed very, very much.

And this is from the emotions come from. I want to put all my effort in guitar and in the conservatory, I don’t want to feel anymore this blame, this depression, I want to do everything I can possibly do, no matter the cost or prize, I am giving everything to be a part of music, and facing this memories that are a part of me. Now I don’t do any drug, I am a complete different person, I have fredom to express myself, I am playing everyday like I did in the past, I am getting a good job because there is people who believe in me, and if I have a chance to live I am not going to give it up, anymore, never, in my life, for anything, there is nothing in this life that will make me stop being who I am, NOTHING. So the emotion comes, from all the memories, all the past wasted, all the potential I could have, all my fears, all my guilt, all my sadness, all my repressed memories and fears. And when I feel it, it doesn’t feel at all like a past, it feels like something I feel now, something that is very deep in me, it’s a very big part of my life, in the moment I am living now. And the truth is, I can’t hold on to this feeling of being a failure, I have had enough, I have dreamed enough, at this point, I am going to face everything, and I am not giving up nothing anymore, even if I have wasted so, so, so much. I can’t pretend I am something else, I am who I am right now, that is what it is, it what is here, what is the solution to this? One that I can have and live with forever? The solution is following now myself, till death. That way I will never ever again repeat my same mistakes, this is the only way possible, this is what I am dedicating my life to. I doing my 100% in this new band I just entered that is trusting in me to do the best job ever, I am going back to the conservatory to learn as much classical music as I can, I am entering any band of jazz to learn jazz, I am teaching people to learn from their mistakes, to let their expressive nature of them that belongs to them from birth be FREE, AND DESTROY THIS FUCKING SHITTY HATEFULL WORLD, INSTEAD OF BEING A PART OF IT. So, in summer I am moving to a different town, a bigger one, to play with that band, and I will see what I can find there.

Now this point is solved, it’s faced, this point where I felt a failure, so so much a failure, for everything and all that has happened in my life, that I have allowed, it’s faced, and I am never going back there, I am never looking back, this is who I am, this is what I have gone through, I know you haven’t had it easy neither, and this is the only way you can walk to, it’s something that happens inside of you, in your life, only about yourself.

So, it’s cool now! Also, I would not be here, if it wasn’t for Desteni I process, I read some spirituallity, but it was to simply justify myself, it wasn’t to face me, and stop me, and be free. All the people that create Desteni I process have helped me a lot, a lot, in facing myself, so thanks to everyone involved, what you do is the most important thing. Sometimes it can look like you are not getting money, Desteni is not something known in every country, but you have done this for me, that is the most important thing for me, to face myself. You have allowed me to express who I really am, so please keep working on this, because you may not see it sometimes, but what you are doing is the best job you could ever have, you must be so satisfied to be a part of it, thanks.

This blog is a proof of, how the most important moments in your life, where you are seeing directly your life, something you feel, that scares you because it’s very very deep in you, are the most important moments to be honest, to face yourself forever, to go through that, and build something that you can live with for the rest of your life.

Thanks for reading, bye!

Day 51 – Reacting to my fother

 

I am going to tell a little story about how I missed an important point of my process in the relationship I have with my fother.

The most important thing, not only for my fother, but for every person that it’s in my life. Never approach them from the perspective of I can do something for you, it doesn’t support you to lie that way to yourself, you are only you. You can’t make the rest of the people do anything for themselves. And maybe you know these words, you have understandood them, and maybe one day, you are in a situation with someone you know very very well, like the palm of your hand, and you will treat that person according to that. Why would you do that? Because due to the knowledge you have of the life of that person, you want to react, it’s easy to react, easier, so why not play god with that person. If that person is the reflection of your past self, you can “help” him. BUT, you only call it help, because you want to call it help. Because you find easy to react. Because, due to that person being a reflection of your past self, you want to show, to prove, to teach, to help, to guide. It’s very easy to do, just one step, and that person could be better, that person could stop suffering, that person could release himself of fear and take responsability and make this world a better place. It’s so easy to play god with people.

So, I find myself divided in this situation. It’s one of the people I am not able to express myself unconditionally, like, just relaxed, no reactions, nothing to prove. Instead of being an example, I tried to teach. Why? Because I know that person too well, too well. In fact I have been his mind, a part of it, because I am his son, since I was borned he focused on making me himself, and it has been quite a process to know that I am my fother, and I still in it. I have learnt a lot, I have had realizations about who I really honestly am, and because my past self is here reflected, it has been easier to react. It’s never about how much can I do for you, it’s about, can I be here for me unconditionally? Am I being honest with myself? Am I trying to accomplish something? Am I expecting something? Is there any part of me, that still feels your way (the system way)?

Here is how I know the difference, how I knew the difference, but I just didn’t listen to myself. If I feel that I am more, that I have proven something, that you are my past, that I can help you (specially help you, because you CAN’T HELP), it means I still reacting to myself, and I am not being an unconditional expression of who I am. If I have to answer to you, if I have to deffend myself, if I have to make an effort everytime you try to make me react and I take “self-responsability”, who am I within all of this? Well I am not life, I have stopped focusing on myself, I am simply enslaved by my reactions, my judgements about myself.

Fother, I have not been a bad person here. I just tried honestly, with my heart, to have a good relationship with you, and it helped us both, you know that even if you don’t want to accept it. You have been able to change something in you for once in a very long time. But I sacrificed for you, so what was I “teaching”? I in fact, knew that I still reacted sometimes to certain things, and instead of being aware of it, I abused it and I said I am MORE than you, I am not anymore this other thing, I can teach you guide you and help you.

So this is honestly a lesson for me, the people that you can more easily help, the people that you can save, the people that could save their lives if they listened, are the people that you still reacting to, they are the people that you must set free in yourself, they are not a part of you, nothing is a part of you. You must simply help yourself, who would you be if you didn’t. When you show other person something, you are not “showing”, you are being the living example, for yourself, and only for yourself, this process is only about you, the rest of the people can see you or not see you, but they are not a part of you, they are really not. You must live like this, because you are trying to understand your reactions, nothing else than that.

I am sorry that I played god with you, it wasn’t my intention. I commit myself to live my own process, and not tring anything with the rest of the people, because it is pointless. In fact when I tried something was because I was driven to, because I still had reactions, because I have not forgiven myself enough, and I felt I must keep working and helping so I prevent myself to work on my process.