I don’t think that I deserve to, be so honest with myself that I say to my own self, you were dishonest, and you knew it and you allow it. I don’t think it’s like that, why? Because if I have something, it’s that with each step I walk, I explain things as they are, I don’t magically make things perfect, but I will always have with me that no matter at what step of my process I was, I said things as I felt them inside of me.
So no I am not going to accept that I have done something wrong, or at least I am not going to punish myself for it. When you are alive, the only way you have to learn is by experience, you test something, and if it does not work, you learn from it. Even if we know who we are, we can’t live creating perfection, because we all know it does not work like that. I will someday make a blog about the word perfection, but right now this is another blog.
I thought that I deserved taking the risk it takes to live, saying the way I’d like to experience myself if I could create myself, only and only if I was learning every day of my life. I thought that I’d become that, and I could talk about what I see, even if I know I am not emboding that completely at this moment of my life, if I grew up each day, if I learnt how to take more and more responsability for myself each day. That was the only way I could justify me saying those words.
When I first moved to this house, the one I am living currently living, I was so excited, but it wasn’t an egoistic joy, a filthy way of consuming resources and create consecuence, I didn’t see it like that and that’s why I allowed the experience. I knew what living alone meant for my life, and I was intrigued about what the future was about to bring to me, because I would be able to see more, understand more, help more, create more, have more posibilities of creating change in me and others. So when I first came to this house I bought some paintings and put them on the wall and on a furniture, one of a guitar and a sax and another of a forest in auttum. The point is that me putting those paintings in my house meant something for me, I wasn’t consciously creating something, it was just the effect of me living my life in that way. And today, well I am not happy with myself, because of several reasons.
And what I feel when I look at those paintings, the same way I feel when I look at my blogs, it’s the different parts that my mind consists of. Because the idea of being just a person, is too simplistic to describe anything. We are a lot of feelins emotions thoughts ideas memories etc etc…
So I will never lie to you, even if it seems so. It’s not that I am not the words I speak, it’s that bringing that to our entire existence it’s what life is about. And I am not using that as an excuse, let’s please, use a balance between accepting a bigger responsability and having a blank space to see learn and forgive, both things are equally important, and I won’t allow any absolute sentence within myself, because sentences are not to be absolute, they are to be understand within each circustance.
What I am experiencing now is that I have distanced myself from physical reality. And if I don’t learn this, I will not understand what being with the physical means and requires.
If you are to walk this process, understand that this is something individual. In this society, in normal life, people are not used to take life itself seriously. If you talk to them about who you are, well it depends on the situation. Sometimes you may be able to help them. Other times, depending on the minds of others, it will be of no use. And if you manage to say words that they understand, you will just create energy, and it will dissapear and remain as a memory. So this is a process you walk alone, because in this life, it’s not usual people taking life seriously. People living for real. It’s not and if they see the opposite, they will believe that you are not normal, and you need to learn from them. Why do this work like that? Why do they feel the need? Because they are needy within themselves, and thereforce they will tell you “you need to be needy too!!”.
So this is a process to be walked alone, only for people who are awake.
When I was walking my process and saying those cool words I was living, I drank alcohol once. And it was very cool, it supported me I think. But only the first time. Then I drank 2 beers one day and also felt and efect, then some more beers and another kind of alcohol, and then the other day again, and so on.
And it’s not worth it, but there is nobody else to understand these words, since nobody else around me takes life seriously, since nobody is able to see their physicals. It’s not worth it, and I knew it, but I guess I wanted to integrate myself within the group. The first time I drank, I was weeks preparing myself for it, I had a big party and I knew I could not avoid drinking, so I could digest it, it was very good, I grew from the experience, then the non-sense appeared and I, just, forgot what I live within myself. What I live is very simple, it’s being in peace with the entirety of who you are. For each action we do, we have an effect, and it’s very easy to start creating consecuence and once you have started lose the track of who you are.
And I really, really, don’t like it. Because I am very sensitive to drugs now. If I accept them within myself and one day I wake up and I don’t know who I am, what’s going to happen to me? I will be lost. And feeling myself lost after seeing that I am next to myself, it’s strange, it’s scary, I don’t like it.
This is not only in relation to alcohol, it’s in relation to the thoughts, the ideas that pop up in my mind, and what I do in practical life. I have created consecuence within myself from several sources, and it’s now time for me to look deeply at the eyes of my physical, and no matter what there is in there, accept it. I don’t want to live forever in a state of debt, in a state of needing to do something else, to avoid what is here. I have known that kind of life for too long, and there is nothing else there for me. I have a chance to create something very cool in this life, if I only trust myself, if I don’t lose myself, if this sensitivity I have, I let it grow and expand to the totallity of me.
So, I have no problem with starting all over again, it’s my next step. I like the blogs and the paintings I bought, it’s the living proof that I can take care of myself, and I am the person I have always needed to be that for me. And if I am that for myself, I will be that for others, and then others will learn how to be that for themselves and how to reach others.
So that’s a cool experience, taking care of yourself like noone has ever done, and then one day finding that you need some support because you have made some bad decitions, and you are there to say to yourself, where do you think you are going? I love you.