Day 51 – Reacting to my fother

 

I am going to tell a little story about how I missed an important point of my process in the relationship I have with my fother.

The most important thing, not only for my fother, but for every person that it’s in my life. Never approach them from the perspective of I can do something for you, it doesn’t support you to lie that way to yourself, you are only you. You can’t make the rest of the people do anything for themselves. And maybe you know these words, you have understandood them, and maybe one day, you are in a situation with someone you know very very well, like the palm of your hand, and you will treat that person according to that. Why would you do that? Because due to the knowledge you have of the life of that person, you want to react, it’s easy to react, easier, so why not play god with that person. If that person is the reflection of your past self, you can “help” him. BUT, you only call it help, because you want to call it help. Because you find easy to react. Because, due to that person being a reflection of your past self, you want to show, to prove, to teach, to help, to guide. It’s very easy to do, just one step, and that person could be better, that person could stop suffering, that person could release himself of fear and take responsability and make this world a better place. It’s so easy to play god with people.

So, I find myself divided in this situation. It’s one of the people I am not able to express myself unconditionally, like, just relaxed, no reactions, nothing to prove. Instead of being an example, I tried to teach. Why? Because I know that person too well, too well. In fact I have been his mind, a part of it, because I am his son, since I was borned he focused on making me himself, and it has been quite a process to know that I am my fother, and I still in it. I have learnt a lot, I have had realizations about who I really honestly am, and because my past self is here reflected, it has been easier to react. It’s never about how much can I do for you, it’s about, can I be here for me unconditionally? Am I being honest with myself? Am I trying to accomplish something? Am I expecting something? Is there any part of me, that still feels your way (the system way)?

Here is how I know the difference, how I knew the difference, but I just didn’t listen to myself. If I feel that I am more, that I have proven something, that you are my past, that I can help you (specially help you, because you CAN’T HELP), it means I still reacting to myself, and I am not being an unconditional expression of who I am. If I have to answer to you, if I have to deffend myself, if I have to make an effort everytime you try to make me react and I take “self-responsability”, who am I within all of this? Well I am not life, I have stopped focusing on myself, I am simply enslaved by my reactions, my judgements about myself.

Fother, I have not been a bad person here. I just tried honestly, with my heart, to have a good relationship with you, and it helped us both, you know that even if you don’t want to accept it. You have been able to change something in you for once in a very long time. But I sacrificed for you, so what was I “teaching”? I in fact, knew that I still reacted sometimes to certain things, and instead of being aware of it, I abused it and I said I am MORE than you, I am not anymore this other thing, I can teach you guide you and help you.

So this is honestly a lesson for me, the people that you can more easily help, the people that you can save, the people that could save their lives if they listened, are the people that you still reacting to, they are the people that you must set free in yourself, they are not a part of you, nothing is a part of you. You must simply help yourself, who would you be if you didn’t. When you show other person something, you are not “showing”, you are being the living example, for yourself, and only for yourself, this process is only about you, the rest of the people can see you or not see you, but they are not a part of you, they are really not. You must live like this, because you are trying to understand your reactions, nothing else than that.

I am sorry that I played god with you, it wasn’t my intention. I commit myself to live my own process, and not tring anything with the rest of the people, because it is pointless. In fact when I tried something was because I was driven to, because I still had reactions, because I have not forgiven myself enough, and I felt I must keep working and helping so I prevent myself to work on my process.

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