Day 52 – Facing life in one moment

Hello, I am going to share more or less what has been my life, please don’t worry, everything is fine, I am honest now, I am just sharing my memories so I can learn from them.

 

I am having a hard time. This comes from an emotion I have, an emotion I supressed since I was a child, and it feels so real that my process becomes something secundary. If I am honest, this happens because I have not brought yet honesty to the situation, because I remember what my process of honesty made me feel, so I hope that with this writing I can face this.

This emotion, it’s like a depression I have carried since a veeeery early age. I want to say it, because it has come the moment for me to face it totally, so that in the future when I face the same I know how to not beat myself down. Since a very young age, I just gave up in anything for life. For me life was non-sense, because as a child I was in my own bubble, and then people would come and they would always bring the same feeling. It was like a low vibration, like if they were trying to destroy me, make me accept the world, because I knew that the world worked in that vibration, and I didn’t like it at all. What I really wanted to say it was, life can be more than that, you don’t have to do this, it’s not necessary, we could all be happy. But instead, I never opened it up, I protected myself from the world, I was scared, because the only thing that I knew it was real, it was only inside of me, and with the time that became more and more an illution…

So I protected myself from that, and I isolated myself from the rest of the world. I sometimes showed how I really was, but I was slowly but surely in the process of separatng myself from the world. Since a very young age the computer fascinated me, I could be free there and do whatever I wanted, I didn’t have to make effort, the computer accepted me totally as I was, and it became my friend, in internet I could just spend my time doing things that I was free with, it was the total opposite of school, of parents, of everything.  Of course, from a very young age, I discovered porn, and that I could stimulate myself the dissapear even more, so, I just thought, why the hell would I go into the system? What is there for me? Why do I have to listen to any word my parents says? What the hell is this world? The only thing I like, the only thing I belong, is my computer, and there is nothing more I want to develop, because there is nothing and nobody that can make me see something else, there is nobody who can convince me of anything, beause this world is all working in that vibration, and I am not a part of it, I don’t want to be there, I don’t have to be there, and you can’t force my inner reality to belong in there, I will isolate myself.

What happens when I child do this? The systems, the parents, will all create something in him. Instead of helping him, supporting him, trying to connect with him, talking to him, looking directly at what is happening, they will blame him, they will create something in him, so that even if he believes himself as free, he will start blaming him self. More, and more, and more. This make things much, much worse, because now you are not free to choose, now you are blaming yourself so much, that even if you wanted to decide to do other thing, you have this relation where you have even more energy and you are just stuked. So with this, I gave up school, literally. I enjoyed one or two things about school, winning tournaments for example, it made me feel like wow the most unexpect thing just happened, me Raúl won. I didn’t like being near children, they all wanted to beat you down, most of them, most of the time, sometimes it was like funny and in a bubble, but that only lasted for so long, before children started to become the world and really stopping the fredom that existed. The teachers were the worst, the traumatized children, they believed themselves to be god, and they created traumas in children. Within all of this, I stopped going to school with 10 years old, I simply blamed myself so much for doing nothing and wasting time, that I decided to even stopping going to class. I used to spend the whole morning doing something I enjoy, like being in the computer playing, and when my mother would come to house after work (my parents divorced very early, and me and my brother suffered the consecuences) I would pretend like I am coming from school, when in fact I am not. This caused me such a pain, because I wanted to be good, I wanted to feel of value, I knew in some way I had some value… but everything was against me, I myself was, so much. So I had some traumatic experiences when my mother found out, by that time I already was totally lost, I was unknown even for myself. I changed school, because of the problems I had with the teachers, I would always try to trick them so they believe I have I have been good and done my homework and stuff, and most of time I tricked them because they didn’t expect a child doing that kind of things, in fact I can count if my fingers the times I have done any homework in my life, even if I had good marks in exams (obviously without studing). So I changed school and then basically I was so fucked up that I never fit with new children, with some I did, I had some fun, but I still carried all my life with me. Then in school the same story repeated again and again. The teachers saw me so independient that they in fact started worring about me, and they put good marks to me without doing anything. My friends kind of admired me, because I was like the only one who is completely out, who dares to do anything, because I didn’t care about anything. When in fact I was the most fucked up of everybody. I simply spent my time in highschool having fun, as much as I was able to, and unlearning everything. Anyway, what is left of the knowledge that was shared now in the people that followed the system? Seriously, was it worth it? Are they better people? Do they even remember anything? Everything is now in wikipedia, it was all a waste of time.  Then my older friends introduced me to weed, and it was like, simply love. I finally, found that which can set me free. I have been looking for so long to find something like this, that I can call my love, and I can just die in here. So I met weed, I was instantly addicted to it, more than anyone of my friends. And then, wow, the perfect match, I met spirituallity. So I was really fucking out of the system, by that time I didn’t even care anymore about marks, so I simply quit highschool around 17 years old, by that time I had a girlfriend that fucked up my inner reality even more, she was kind of addict to me, and I was an asshole, so I like sucked out the life she had, so I could satify my ego, she was never happy, if she could understand she would have left me, but she also had her traumas, so we fit very well. It was the most awfull relationship I could possibly have, you don’t want to imagine. But there was something cool also, not everything was dead in us, it was not totally useless.

So there I was, no highschool, full weed, bad relationship with a hurtfull fate impressed on it, and I simply played games and wasted time. There was nothing else for me. Well, to be honest, there was something I always, always loved. My states didn’t matter, it was with me my whole life, and I never for a single moment felt against it, never. It was my guitars, and music. It was the only thing real that I had. And here comes the point that all my emotions come from, that is the point I wanted to face. I abandoned the only thing that made me something, I stopped playing, the more weed I smoked the less I played. I couldn’t see it, but I was suffering so much, and trying to repress so much that I was dening my only source of real happiness, this made me feel absolutely depressed, for real. I stopped gong to the conservatory, where I learnt classical guitar, something I never put any effort to, but that I enjoyed very, very much.

And this is from the emotions come from. I want to put all my effort in guitar and in the conservatory, I don’t want to feel anymore this blame, this depression, I want to do everything I can possibly do, no matter the cost or prize, I am giving everything to be a part of music, and facing this memories that are a part of me. Now I don’t do any drug, I am a complete different person, I have fredom to express myself, I am playing everyday like I did in the past, I am getting a good job because there is people who believe in me, and if I have a chance to live I am not going to give it up, anymore, never, in my life, for anything, there is nothing in this life that will make me stop being who I am, NOTHING. So the emotion comes, from all the memories, all the past wasted, all the potential I could have, all my fears, all my guilt, all my sadness, all my repressed memories and fears. And when I feel it, it doesn’t feel at all like a past, it feels like something I feel now, something that is very deep in me, it’s a very big part of my life, in the moment I am living now. And the truth is, I can’t hold on to this feeling of being a failure, I have had enough, I have dreamed enough, at this point, I am going to face everything, and I am not giving up nothing anymore, even if I have wasted so, so, so much. I can’t pretend I am something else, I am who I am right now, that is what it is, it what is here, what is the solution to this? One that I can have and live with forever? The solution is following now myself, till death. That way I will never ever again repeat my same mistakes, this is the only way possible, this is what I am dedicating my life to. I doing my 100% in this new band I just entered that is trusting in me to do the best job ever, I am going back to the conservatory to learn as much classical music as I can, I am entering any band of jazz to learn jazz, I am teaching people to learn from their mistakes, to let their expressive nature of them that belongs to them from birth be FREE, AND DESTROY THIS FUCKING SHITTY HATEFULL WORLD, INSTEAD OF BEING A PART OF IT. So, in summer I am moving to a different town, a bigger one, to play with that band, and I will see what I can find there.

Now this point is solved, it’s faced, this point where I felt a failure, so so much a failure, for everything and all that has happened in my life, that I have allowed, it’s faced, and I am never going back there, I am never looking back, this is who I am, this is what I have gone through, I know you haven’t had it easy neither, and this is the only way you can walk to, it’s something that happens inside of you, in your life, only about yourself.

So, it’s cool now! Also, I would not be here, if it wasn’t for Desteni I process, I read some spirituallity, but it was to simply justify myself, it wasn’t to face me, and stop me, and be free. All the people that create Desteni I process have helped me a lot, a lot, in facing myself, so thanks to everyone involved, what you do is the most important thing. Sometimes it can look like you are not getting money, Desteni is not something known in every country, but you have done this for me, that is the most important thing for me, to face myself. You have allowed me to express who I really am, so please keep working on this, because you may not see it sometimes, but what you are doing is the best job you could ever have, you must be so satisfied to be a part of it, thanks.

This blog is a proof of, how the most important moments in your life, where you are seeing directly your life, something you feel, that scares you because it’s very very deep in you, are the most important moments to be honest, to face yourself forever, to go through that, and build something that you can live with for the rest of your life.

Thanks for reading, bye!

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