Day 71 – What being a man means

I’d like to talk about this. I don’t know where to start, I’d like to share here from a man’s perspective a bit of my thinking and what has been my life.

I was “raised” by a single mother, emotionally absolutely unestable. When my parents divorced at my age of 6 after a looot of fights and screams that we and my brother suffered, she got the car the house the money and the children. She basically won the most important thing, the children, because it doesn’t really matter if you get to see your fother once a week, your mother will live with you and “educate and teach” you. So my mother had my older brother, and that was fine, but when she had me she was pissed off because she wanted a girl. And well she payed it with me, a young shy child, since I was little I was a shy person, because I had something that not all kids had, for example at the age of 3 when I first arrived to the school and all kids were testing the toys in the classroom, I just didn’t feel like going there, I was sticked to my mother because I was shy of just going there, and it’s rather unusual to see a child who since a young age is emotional and aware in some way. I believe this was because I was a deep child, in the sense of, I had a pure state of mind, almost mesmerizing, it’s what I think. So my mother was very possesive with me, like if she wanted me to be something for her, something that my older brother wasn’t for her, and since I was a lovely child, and she also lived alone with her children she would create the life she wanted. I always felt she was a sticky person, but as a child you don’t judge, you just accept and support your parents even if sometimes it hurts you and kills you. So my mother would have emotional breaksdown (like every avarage mother, maybe?), but what would be said to the society would be a soft accepted agreeable vertion, mother gets angry like any normal mother, because we are bad children because children are bad. The point is that nobody knew to what degree she got crazy, I believe that it was because of all the medication she had taken during her life. I have too many, too many stories that happened to me and that marked me emotionally, one of them was for example, after the avarage amount of screams and blames and hate (with a cover of love, obviously), I would simply honestly say “I am tired, I would even prefer to change my mother for another one”, and then suddenly BUM HEADSHOT, she was even more free to become crazy and behave like a monkey to victimize even more and blame and scream even more. And I wasn’t even aware of it I just, envied children with normal mothers, mothers that didn’t make them feel guilty for simply being themselves. But I was a shy lovely person, and I had to deal with it, and I put it too much on me, I accepted it on me, and I didn’t deserve that. But it was much after that that I started doubting about my own guilt, and thinking… is she maybe crazy?

So since I was young I had to carry this pain of not being good enough, of accepting that it’s my fault the life I am living, of being alone and helpless, of doing bad in school with teachers, of not feeling the desire to exist in this life, also my brother hit me, and my fother was toooo busy brainwashing me so I am not a failure as he deeply feels about his repressed self. So there have been things that I have loved though, and it was for example, this light that I felt as a child, I felt very blissfull, and once I was in hell, I kind of still remembered how it felt to be me, all me, honest, correct, full of joy, I still knew the sensation, and it kind of went with me during my life like a repressed self. Like a distant dream of love that was separated from me and was just that, a distant dream. And then I found guitars, and a great music teacher, and I loved it, and I without knowing it felt that I was right for once.

So my point with all of this is, it has been very hard to be a man, very very hard, from a society saying on TV your fother hits your mom!! From a crazy mother living in a fantasy world, from an educative system which broke us down, with teachers mostly women who benefited women and who hated man for simply being men and behaving like men, to a fother with no self-honesty, a brother who took advantage of me, friends that betrayed me, family that judged me for doing the only things I could love in my life, computers and guitars. It has been tough to grow up in a world that has hated me, with noone to tell me you have value as you are, and you are here to have a purpose. I know that, my life would have been very different if I had been a women, I don’t say that I would have been a perfect balanced woman, but I for sure would have been 99% happier.

I believe that we men and women are here for the same purpose, it’s not my intention to bring a debate here, I am simply saying things as they are, it has been very hard to grow up as a man because of this world and because of my situation. And also, because of what I allowed and accepted as a child, that was to live a fake life, a life that I don’t feel fullfilled with.

So who am I within all of this. I am going to tell you who I am. I am a person who doesn’t regret anything, who has no doubts about himself, who lives to have a life full of joy, and to share that with others around. A person who will voice himself, his own truth, and won’t keep it inside of him like a slow but sure death with no purpose. A person who is not interested in blaming others, a person who simply wanted to be expressed to be here and to live my own life and real expression, and bring what I want to bring here, that is a revolutionary truth made of joy. Also a person who will not victimize himself, because he is his own responsability, a person who is tired of obeying people who doesn’t understand what equallity means, beause it is possible to have power and not get corrupted by it. And a person who has no fear, and who will face himself, untill everything is done and I am the person I have always dreamed of and I create a life that serves me and this reality.

So what does being a man means? It means no more excuses, if you see this chance, no more excuses. There is something that is in me, that I am not selling no matter the cost, I don’t care how much I need something and desire and crave, I am not changing myself for anything. You can like it or not, and I don’t care, I am not selling a single bit of my soul for anybody, for anything. I am here to bring to this world what it is lacking of.


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