I just had a feeling, and I thought that I would write about it. I don’t judge it, it’s what it is. It’s not even good or bad, it’s simply me writing my truth.
Sometimes I remember memories, and I feel something I could call nostalgia, but it’s not that, I don’t wish it to come back or I desire it, it’s simply a memory, it’s there. In the past, I would literally have a past full of memories I feel bad about, guilt, sadness, shame, pain, and it would be in the present with me, being my companion. And what I have noticed about my memories, now in the present, is that I create them, they are created, and with the time I see how far they are from the present and it’s a very a curious sensation… it’s not the first time I feel it, I used to feel it as a young child too before my past became my curse. It was like seeing a memory that you lived fully, remembering the moment, feeling it, seeing how it was, and now it is gone, and you didn’t even notice, you were just living it back then. It makes me feel alive, I am here in the present alone, but I have a whole life with me. I don’t know how it is to live with 80 years old with a whole life behind your back, I can only guess how it feels, it must be a bit sad, to feel that you are leaving everything, but maybe just maybe nothing will be gone and you will live forever with everything, that’s probably it, but I doubt I can avoid the sadness until I realize in the last moment.
So this feeling that comes when I see my memories, it’s something I would have never expected to happen. I always thought I would live to regret and have pain. And it’s cool that my past supports me. It’s cool that my memories are felt so strongly, it’s even intimidating, I understand my memories and I don’t fully understand them, they exist in some place in my life only here with me. This is what we all have to carry (or face), our lifes . They can make me cry or laugh, but the truth is they are simply memories of my heart and they make me feel alive.
Something interesting about the memories that I have noticed is, you will specially remember the best parts of the memories, the part that was able to touch your heart in some way and create an experience that is alive in itself. I never forget the memories that are in my heart, just why would I. No matter the time, everytime something made me feel alive, everytime I had an experience that was not normal or usual, I always remembered exactly how it happened. Some people get so surprised of it, and I love to show others how much I remember about themselves or situations so they can remember too.
For example, when I was 3-4 years old, in my school we had like a big big playground with a lot of pines (that was removed afterwards). And we, like kids, always played with the dust and the bugs and the plants. There was a fountain too. And within the atmosphere that was created in there, in the real world of 3-4 years old kids who communicate and share experiences freely with 0 judgements, we used to press the fountain so the watter could fall to the ground and create a small river between the pines. Well for me that river, was absolute. I LOVED how the river came making all wet and ‘alive’ and I would scream to the top of my lungs HERE COMES THE STREAMS!!!! HERE COMES THE STREAMS!!!! And the rest of kids would accept it, would embrace the experience in the moment it was perceived, the world would be changed by the atmosphere that each kid individually brough, nobody would judge, everybody would feel. What I brough was my feeling of, THE RIVER!!! I LOVE IT!!, nobody knew anything back then, so we would simply live in our world. This is an example of something I won’t ever forget, because it was so special, if I don’t want to forget it it just wont. Remembering something like this, to this day, it’s a gift. Because it’s not just a memory, it’s me in real space and time. And I think I decided not forgetting memories like these so I could have something that reminded me to not lose myself in this world, I didn’t even decided it, it was decided by itself by my nature. And that’s all I have ever wanted, to just be here and be allowed by myself. So having fresh memories of my past it’s a gift, it’s not just a memory, it’s the way of how I experienced the world. How I came here and started existing. A memory similar to this, so empty and so sacred, can exist here in this moment too. And I say this like a desire because, the world was perfect back then. Not the society, the real world, was a big complex experience that had no words. There is just something that is scared to live that now. And like any thing in life, it doesn’t have a reason. It’s simply fear, fear came to my life, now fear is discharging. The part of me that is afraid, is the very same fear in itself. Who am I? I am that smart kid. I ALWAYS wanted to make this choice, I lived a fake life just to maybe say someday okay now I decide to be ME!, and I have here a reminder you see? This is me, I am going to continue living now, like if nothing had happened. Because I understood everything, I learnt, and I am only meant to live my live in honesty.
Honesty. This word, I would always avoid it. It was so raw, so true. I said the truth that the other person wanted to hear, I do was afraid to change this world, because this world didn’t accept me as I was. So I had to pretend that I am like this world wants me to. I always hated that, you say something to me, but you already desire an answer. It’s hard that I learn how to live my honesty like that.
Anyway, it’s cool.
It was great, cya!!!