Day 86 – Life and death

Hello, I am going to write some words that I am currently living, and I am going to discover what the hell is going on.

So, I don’t know where to start. I first want to say that, this blog was never about you, about any of your ideas, it could not be, it wasn’t created for that. This blog is impossible for you to understand, unless you know exactly what each word means for you. Only I, the writer, know the implication of every idea I say, and every word I choose.

I want to talk about sex and relationships. Well, I don’t like how sex exists, how sex is so important, or feels like, in my mind. It’s like, a fast access to your own life force. And I mean, if we humans existed with no door to that, maybe 90% of our problems wouldn’t have happen, a looot of problems have been created because we have a door to touch our core in our very body. And what happens (in my case since I am a man) is that my mind desires sex, because it gives energy to the mind. And I lose life force. So, sex it’s a fast way to die. And an easy one. If you want to waste yourself just use sex until you are empty. So, I would have prefered to have some kind of… protection? From sex? So when I didn’t know who I was, in this life, at least I would have created less consecuences in my life. But anyway, I am not here to cry, this is simply how I started the blog. Sex is a stronge thing, and it has become a big fuck up.

And what is the purpose of sex? Well the purpose of sex is, what it is. It’s something very very simple, it is what it is, we all know what it is. This can not be judged, since sex is this, you simply can’t deny it okay? It’s not good, it’s not bad, it is what it is.

So, this starting point seems a bit extreme, isn’t it? “I will create something, that it’s not good or bad, but it has a VERY powerfull force” It would seem a bit… unbalanced, and since we were created by the mind, as irresponsable beings, it’s not something optimal.

But as I said, it is what it is, I accept it. My point is, sex is life. Life was created from sex, and when I was borned into this world, one of the first things I noticed, as a baby, or a very young child, or whatever, was that there was a very biiig door. A door means, the doors that you leave behind when you are walking inside this life. There are doors and doors, and if you could cross all of them, you would reach the final door, a door that says “This is who you are”. You can discover that in this life, or at death, you are going to end at the same place, crosing the same doors you once crossed.

So, one of the first things I noticed in this life, was sex. And my mind took sex and said, WOW this is a cool one, I will be here! Yes! And when that happened to me, there was ALWAYS a voice within myself, a true voice, my voice. Saying, if I ever want to know the truth about myself, this is going to be a big door, probably I will only realize it at death. And I would even say that there was a knowledge in me, about how my past lifes had felt, and I knew that I only crossed the door of sex when I died. And, I think it felt sad, beause I was less alive, I think so, but… whatever.

And in this very life, something has happened. I’ll tell you something, I remember how I came to this life, I remember how the reincarnation process prevented me from exploring the whole existence when I was in “heaven” “the dymentions” whatever, I have remembered in this life how IT WAS NOT FAIR. Because I wanted to explore, it was just that, and they had this mechanism for me to not have a choice, and their only way, their only way to prevent me from showing them the truth, was to send me to reincarnation again, as sooooon as possible, so the next time I was there I had already lived another pointless life out of fredom, because of how life was set up, and I would feel “new” and “alive” and “surprised” in the dymentions. Simply to discover, that I always had a choice, I am infinite, I am the manifestation of unity. So that is how they had me busy from realizing my manifestation of unity within the human lifes, and I remember something that I will never forget. It was the feeling of, these beings want everything for themselves, this is not fair.

Something happened, in this life, something has happened. Because I am realizing who I am, which means that, at least, I have a chance. At least in this life I can breath, and that’s cool, I only know that. I am breathing.

So, I am going off topic. Sex. Life is sex. And this leads me to what I really wanted to talk about, sex and relationships. I don’t like the nature of how relationships were manifested in me through the mind. It’s like, all fake. It’s just sex. It’s something very simple, it’s mutual benefit. But people doesn’t want to feel ugly, to feel the truth. So they create emotional relationships, where they depend on each other, and a lot of feelings about the relationship are involved, so it doesn’t feel ‘just sex’.

I am going to manifest myself now about who I am within sex and relationships. I know how this works, I know how this was created. So if someday I want to have sex, I am going to simply have it, and not only that I am going to enjoy the experience, and learn something from it, it’s going to be a free expression. Like the way it should be. Finding my real expression in this life.

That being said, for what am I going to have a relationship? Relationships exist because of sex. And sex exists because of… because of…    Okay! Let’s suppose that sex has a purpose. Let’s give it a purpose, since it’s somethng very stronge, let’s give it. Sex then becomes a tool for self support, and in the relationship you both are supporting the true expression of each one, that’s obviously cooler than going blindly to create a relationship because of the atraction. But my point is, we humans are able to support ourselves, we really are. If the relationship was really supporting me, why did I in first place enter in the relationship like if I had no choice? If support is about choice, why did that other person accepted that we had no choice? Because, if we were to say that we do in fact have a choice about creating or not the realationship, we would answer 100% of the times that we prefer not having a choice? In other words, why do we create the relationships? It can be cooler if we believe that the relationship is about self-support, but it will never be about choice. A choice is something hard to define, a choice exists in relation to how self-supportive you are. Sometimes we believe we have a choice, we like to play with that believe, but we know that we are going in a certain direction, one that the mind walks for us.

So if the relationship is about self-support, can’t we simply support ourselves from the distance? Without having sex? Can we support ourselves, as real human beings, to have a CHOICE in relation to SEX? Now you can say that nobody has a choice, and I’ll talk about that later, I don’t even know what I am going to say.

But if we accept that we have a choice, then there is no relationship, there is no sex, both people remain the same. And if that is the case, a relationship does not exist, since it was based on sex. And then, you guys support each other, as real people, there is no benefit anymore, you guys are simply really supporting each one.

I get it, sex can make you live fullfilled. Sex is like telling you, if you die, with three children looking at you when you are in the bed of the hospital, and the three of them love you, you will die happyly. Your purpose will be completed. You got benefit from life, in order to live, and when you were at death you had no fear. And your life felt good.

And I don’t know what happens, because when you die, you go to a place where suddenly you don’t love anybody. You are life. You don’t miss the people, you don’t ‘love’ them, in the afterlife, you are responsable for yourself. And every being who gets there, it’s conected.

My point is, I was in a search. I had a search in my life, a search for meaning, a search for purpose. And I got to a place where I have 2 directions. Fullfillment, or truth. These are just the words I put them. Fullfillment tells me, you won’t have to work anymore, you won’t feel the need, you will be relaxed, all the work will happen in this relaxed state, where now you can love everybody, and just live your life. And the other direction calls me. It says…

You know, this is hard to say. It says to me that this life wasn’t created for me to be free. And I know I didn’t came here by my own choice since I came to this life with the reincarnation process. But at least, this life could mean something. This life could be real, something that is not predeterminated. But the point of the second way, truth, is that life was not created for me for that.

And this is hard for me to say because, why am I here? Seriously, WHY-AM-I-HERE? Why?

And then, my own mind says “oh… I wish I had a purpose… I wish I could see something and say… this is my purpose! Yes!!”. It wants that.

You know, I could live to get fat and eat a lot, or to play videogames and get rewards, or to have the perfect self-supportive relationship, or to play the guitar in the stages and become an even better musician. And that is a very cool one, it¡s the most cool option. I support myself and others in the stages, and I show to people that I love playing guitar and I do it very very good. And that’s cool. But I know, that I am not even that.

Why am I here? Am I here… to feel dopamine and be relaxed? Whether it’s eating, fucking, or playing? Or other way I find to calm this mind and this tention that escalates and wants to discharge.

If I have a choice, I don’t know why am I here. This life, has no purpose. I mean, at least I could share with others around me, and the animals and everything, this realization, at least I can do that.

But seriously, what is my purpose? And I see myself, looking for a purpose, wanting a YES!!! This is!! Let’s goooo!! But, I think no.

I still having a mind, a world, I still feeling how sometimes, in my life, something happens and my reaction is not 100% alligned with my true expression. And that’s a cool job at least.

But the question remains, why am I here…

And I am here right now. If I have a voice, in everything that will ever happen to me, what is the purpose?

Am I looking for a purpose outside of myself? Is that what is happening?

A purpose should not exist.

At least, I have to enjoy something. At least I will listen to music, sleep, eat healthy food, play in the concerts, talk to people, go to forests, go to the see, watch the sky, support things, grow up within this society. And, that’s cool, making this world more alligned with myself. I don’t want to say Yes!! That is my purpose! But, I know I won’t stop supporting this world the time I am in this life.

Until what? Until I am finally free. Because there is no space in this reality, I can’t see beyond, it’s all stucked within these limitations. So I am just going to stay healthy, and with no purpose. And bringing my reactions within the life situations, to my nopurposeness.

What else can I say? If I don’t really exist? I will just wait, but it’s not like I am waiting. I am doing nothing. I want to see beyond this. I will express that in this life. And I will keep talking in this blog if I feel I have more to say. That happens when I feel I am already the words and I can go to the next door.

 

 

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