I was just thinking about this question and looking at myself in the mirror, and asking myself who really am I.
I started writing in this blog the first time because I thought it was cool, and it was a way to express myself. In my life back then I barely had ways to express myself, I only had music and 90% of the songs I play are depressive, I have noticed that recently. My point is, in this blog I don’t show to myself who I am, in this blog I share the cool part, the part that supported me make the decition of expressing myself through writing. That part is very interesting, because it fundamently is more than me, it even forgives me things that I am not ready yet to forgive myself because I still blaming myself. So I have come to accept that yes, my cool part is one part of myself, it’s not the totallity of who I am, but it is a part of me, because I can talk from there, and I am different.
In this blog I share the moments and realizations that mean something to me. However, I was looking at the mirror, at my reflection and asking myself, who am I? Who do I really see in me? And I could easily say it, because it is always there. I saw an ugly, unworthy, fearfull, anxious person. I saw something which is not cool, but yet it is who I am. It is because it is who I allow myself to perceive myself as. I also saw how in my life, the people around doesn’t know how to support/love me. And the people that do, are only a few in comparation to the big ammount of people who does not support me. And I realized, that nobody of the people around, not even the people with good intentions, is able to love me or understand me. Why? Because any of them has forgiven him/her self. That means that they will never be able to forgive me, if they don’t know how to forgive themselves they don’t know how to forgive another, and I will never hear a sincere ‘hey, you are doing it fine, I see it, keep it up’ it will never happen because even in the best moments we have together, they are only able to say to me, hey you do suck, but I suppose it is not that bad. And this happens simply because one can not do for another, what he has not done to himself yet. This realization about self-forgiveness made me feel like if I was alone, very alone, and actually that was cool. Because I am tired of listening to people, it’s not a good decition. Self-forgiveness it’s not about self-forgiveness itself, it is about our life, about what we give to others. So everybody knows perfectly what self-forgiveness is. And nobody cares.
Then people use my weak spots, the same spots I have revealed to them because I don’t hide them, I am a natural person, to make me react, to try to enslave me, to judge me and to make feel bad, like if they themselves were perfect you know? When actually they know nothing about perfection, only about supporting the mind that enslaves humans beings, and they develop that skill to see where in themselves and in the rest of the people they can release more energy. They answer questions simply to not be wrong, to not lose, and they will protect that lie with their lifes.
I revealed myself to you not because I wanted to be judged and insulted, but because I wanted to show it to this world, and say hey! Look I have no fear! Perhaps we can then both grow from it forgive it and let it go! But, instead? I was insulted, betrayed, I lost social status because I didn’t pretend to be perfect like everybody pretends. So I have learnt that it is not good to say to any of these kind of people who I really am. To be absolutely closed is the best for me, since I will only get hurt if I try to do anything. And anyway, why do I ask for people to support my own self-forgiveness if i am not yet the perspn who has forgiven himself?
So, I am taking out everything that has happen in relation to these people, and from now on I live myself alone, as I was already doing in fact, just that now I won’t have to deal also with the processes of the rest of the people.
Back to the topic, in the mirror I saw those two me’s, one that only exists within myself, and another that, basically has been supported by almost all the people I have known.
And so, what I wanted to share is that I know who I really am, I am not dening that for a single second, not anymore, I am living with who I am, next to myself, if I think all those bad things about myself, that’s fine, it’s what I think of me, I am glad I am not dening it, I am glad I am not pretending to be somebody I am not, I want to be conected to who I am. Why? Because I can then simply live, and see who am I going to be in this life, I can develop my potential of being, I can show to myself that there is a purpose why I am alive, and it’s not anything separated, from me, it is my own purpose. And fear is scary, but it starts with self-acceptance.