Day 124 – My femenine side, love

I am goint to talk openly and honestly about this. I was not loved during my life, so I didn’t understand what it meant, and it’s a vital part of a duality between masculine/femenine, that I define as responsability/love. I have always thought of love as something achieved, complex, difficult, something which is not universal, something that I don’t even know if I will ever deserve. Growing in this world without love was like doing everything, but doing it for nothing. There was just no Me during all my life, I was getting nothing, I did nothing, and I believed myself to be out there, in some place, far far away. I always chased love, in some way or another, because I had denied it. I would create a lot of experiences within myself, all of them complex creative and cool, but in the end, I never arrived anywhere, there was nothing. But I always chased it, in some way or another, it was something I loved, my own love, I just loved it, I liked it, I knew it was right, but I distanced myself from it at a certain moment of my life, and I was alone. And then one day I was a grown up, and I had all this mind created, just to someday, maybe, at the end, find some love. I projected my own lack of love into my outter world, and I adored my desires, beause they meant something for me, they made me feel loved, complete, my desires were the way for me to get to love. And I idealized the projection of my desires, I could love them so much, because I did not love myself. I could really love them so much, I would give my life for them, the same way I would give my life for the love I had lost. Sometimes I would listen to a song, and this song in one moment was alive within me, and I arrived to love for one moment, for one moment I did not deny it, I simply went there and I felt confortable and secure and something happened within me, but it always happened irrationally, a sudden jump in a moment that happens, because I knew I was love myself, but I didn’t love myself. I did a lot of things because I did not love myself, I didn’t take me into consideration, I did a lot, a lot, probably more than you, and I didn’t know back then that if someday I loved myself I would have to face everything I had done. And so here I am.

What is love? Love is myself, and I am an expressive, direct, perfect, beautiful, alive, bright, realible, true, eternal, compassive, sharing, good, healing, heroic, legendaric, vulnerable, protector, one and equal, person. This is what I am. I don’t care what you think, I don’t care who you are, I don’t care, this is who I am, you can accept it or go away. You will never stop this, never again. I am this. I am this, do you understand?

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