Day 125 – When does love mean something?

First I’d like to say, this text was initially created using the words ‘We’ ‘People’ ‘Ourselves’ ‘you’, but I decide to stick to my own truth, and share my experience as I am individually experiencing it, since I can not talk about the experience of the rest of people, since this blog is about myself.

So I am going to talk about something that exists in me, but yet I don’t really see myself talking about it. And I don’t mean talking about love/sex/relationships/etc, I mean talking about the specific relationship that I have with all of this. I, literally, have never seen myself in my life describe how my entire sex/relationship system works, why? Because I find easy to talk about all the byproducts created from that starting point, but, talking about the starting point itself? Why? For what? It’s my starting point and it’s who I am, so why am I going to talk about it? What’s the point of it?

Well the point of talking about how things really exist in themselves, is to give me a choice. Because, there is something I fundamentally dislike about the nature of me as as a human being that exist through my mind, and it’s that I choose to remain as I am, instead of walking the 2 opposite paths that an experience consists of, and then once I have experienced the 2 of them, decide what of them is real and is aligned with the nature of my life and heart. This hides something which is darker that I may initially think, this hides the fact that I choose to walk a certain path, because I am not free and I do not have a choice to walk the other path, it’s not because I decide it, but because I am possesed by one path that consists of, limitations and controll.

Now this depends on who I am, and what is my purpose. This depends on what I expect from me, what I want to give to myself, this depends on my commitment, this depends on what is really important to me. There are a lot of things important in my life, the biggest of them, is making sure that when I am at the end of my life, I don’t regret my experiences. What is regret made of? Regret is, when I have 2 paths, one that would lead me to the unknown, and one that would lead me to my current experience of being that I live and define myself by, and I then choose to remain as my current experience of being. Simply because it’s my current experience. There is never justification for that, because if I exist, if I am a free human being, if I really exist, I can just walk the 2 paths, experience them for myself, and then come back to say, to the very same self I left behind that still here, what of both paths I prefer and would like to experience myself as. But I choose to remain as I am, because I don’t really have a choice. If I did, I would just walk the 2 opposite paths and find out what is going on. But I don’t do it, because I can’t, because I know deep within myself, that I am not free. I know I don’t have a choice, I just know it when I see and realize that I can’t walk the opposite path of my experience, the path of the unkown, of fredom, of possibly, creation.

And I wanted to talk about sex/relationships. Everybody thinks they understand them, me included, and people are on TV talking about love and everything. Let’s talk about things the way they exist. When I used to say “Love” in the same way I hear it on TV, I meant dopamine rush. Why? Because, it’s the very fundament love is based on: self-interest. If self-interest did not exist, do you think I would still create the relationship with another woman and have sex and feel “in love”? No! I wouldn’t, if I could decide, I would be complete as myself, why would I surrender myself to something and lose a part of me and be slave to it and then chase myself somewhere believing that I am living when I don’t even know who I am? “Love” has been defined throughtout as “lovely”, “sacred”, but is it? It is only based on self-interest. Without self-interest, love does not exist. You can only then say that you are complete and you exist. But, the important point is, why I don’t talk about this in this way? I have had so many chances, why haven’t I? Because there are fundamentally 2 ways to exist in life, that I already defined. I haven’t talked about this specific perspective because I know that I am slave to love, I know that I love it, I love the rush. There is nothing else I love about it, I can say a lot of beautiful words, but if my starting point is this, they mean nothing. Because I came to this experience because I am not free. If I had free choice, I would be different. What do you think? Do you think we are life and we exist? Or we are defined by life, because life is based on mind slavery and there is nothing we can do about it because it is the way life is?

If I had free choice, oh man I could love so much. But it’s not the word I described, it feels the same, but one is based on self-interest and the other one it’s not. And man when it’s not, I feel everything in one moment, and I see everything. I have felt for so long that love was more than me, and I was stucked there. But the truth of myself is that I love myself much more, much much super much more if I am free, if I have a choice. And I know that if I have a choice I choose to remain free, and if I choose to remain free, I can love so much. I would not allow myself to fail to myself, I don’t even know why I still allowing myself to fail to myself and judge myself, that has to stop. Starting right now. But my point is, I want to be smart in this life, because if I allow ANY experience to be more than me, it doesn’t matter what experience is, if I allow it to be more than me to the point where I no longer have a choice, then I know I am going to regret it. Life should not be lived in that way, life can be so much more, if I accept that my starting point is myself and my fredom, and that is the most lovely thing ever. I just feel it, so intensely.

So, love it’s a word that may mean a lot of different things to me, but there is only one thing that word should mean: am I talking care of myself and standing up for myself, so I make sure that I have a choice to decide and act based on my free will to choose what is best for me and for all?

And now once I have finally said those words, I realize that I have been yearning to say them, to describe them. I can be the living example of myself, I can create myself, and I will be making it possible for other people aswell. Redefining love.



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