Day 126 – Redefining love as feminine

My first reaction to this words, “bringing feminine qualities to me”, it’s like, hell no, I am masculine, I am not weak, or, emotional (it’s neither of those words, it’s just a feeling). And what this hides, it’s a part of me that has been forgotten. When I was very young, I used to be very feminine, much more than I am now, I would be like, just very lovely. I always liked thinking about the bigger picture, about the meaning of everything, about something bigger than me. And the answer I found was love, heart. But back then those words just came to me, I didn’t pick those words, probably I didn’t even know what they meant, I just picked those words, because I was those words, somehow I found myself in this world through those words. For example, one day I decided to write a poem, and since I was doing that, I decided to make the best poem I could make, so I decided to do it about the most big thing I knew, and I wrote a poem about the human heart, that basically meant something like: What could be the most important thing that a human being has? The heart.

So it’s not something I learnt or defined with words, I just was that. Then I judged that part very much, I created a prision for it, I and only I made the decition, I knew it and I decided. I guess I also wanted to fit in this world, I also wanted to play the game of the mind, and I did. And this brings me to today, and today it’s a day where I am discovering that everything is the same, the sun is the same, the trees are the same, the wind is the same, the clouds are the same, maybe I am in a different city, but it exists the same way it used to exist when I was 3 years old playing in the playground of my school surrounded by pines. It’s just something I feel, I walk, I feel the sun, I breath, and I see in a moment that me back then and me right now it’s the same, nothing has changed, all that has changed is my mind, I changed, I got lost, busy, other things became more important for me. And I was always here, even if I could not see myself, I was here. And it’s not anything in particular, it’s just who I am, it’s what I was given the day I was given the ability to define myself in this world of words.

So, I was here because I wanted to share some words that I am learning to live for myself. These words I chase for them, in my external reality, but they are a part of me I have distanced myself from, and the day I did that I lost something, really, really, important. I lost, just everything. I lost a shining I had inside myself, I lost who I am. I lost ME taking care over ME. And these are not random words, all these are the most real representation in words of the human being I am at this moment of my life. I lived all these words, I am not making them up, all these happened to me, all these I felt it, I knew it, I saw it, all this happened.

So these words are Tranquility, perfection, delicacy, sweetness, brightness. My question, to myself and all men that exist in this world is, is anything worth it if we don’t have these words? I seem to resist these words, they would make me happy but yet I resist them. It’s like if I was afraid of taking care of myself, because I, at some point of my life learnt, that men exist to be stronge and to lead and I had to develop myself and stop feeling, instead I had to accept what this world is and fight for myself. And I disliked this very much, I disliked the fight. Now people, or men particularly, were not normal, now we were about achieving and winning and having. I never liked it, it didn’t have to be that way. But anyway I was alone, or at least I felt alone, and I didn’t speak or stand up for anything, I shout my mouth and just walked.

If I lived these words, how would I do it? I would calm myself, completely, I would cease to have fear, anxiety, I would walk in my mind in a different way, I would love myself and everything else very much, I would never be against myself no matter what, I would stop rejecting other human beings, I would express beauty within the movement of my life, I could lose a lot but I would always had me, I would be happy because I’d share with absolutely everyone the joy that I have within myself because I am alive. I would know that I am what a lovely human being looks like, unconditional. I would know that I am what I chased within myself, I am that. And I would realize that I am alive, I mean something, I am here with everything, I exist and it’s something to be shared and experienced.

And then I could unify myself with my masculine side and say, I stand for this, I am making sure I am these right now. I won’t fool and lose myself.

When we want to be this ‘Winner’, what we are giving up is love, towards ourselves and others. We stop being able to love and accept others, and we forget how to love oneself. And we will chase a lot of things, when in fact all that we want is to feel loved, to be loved. You don’t need to enslave the rest of the existence for that, you don’t have to be a ‘Winner’, you can be at peace with yourself, you can be just yourself, nothing. It’s not what you were expecting for? I know but, what are we here for? What is our direction? And what will we find in there? If you want more, you will take it from somebody else. And he will feel it, which means that you will feel it. He is live, you both are life, you both are the same, but one of you wants more, where do you think that life will be extracted from? And then, you, in other form, as him, will suffer the consecuences you created, because you could not simply be life, because you were more than that, you wanted more, you wanted your own world, you thought you were life. But you are not life, life is life, not you. Life are words that you find if you absolutely stop having ego, and it’s hard to accept, after everything, but it could possibly be the best thing that ever happened to us, it could be what we were waiting for. It could be the end. It could be us in a new form, a new world, and everybody will be together for it, everybody would stand up for themselves.

 

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