Today I was emotionally down. Nothing particular happened, well I had a very big nightmare early in the morning, but other times I have recovered from that, today I was simply down emotionally. Normally when I get like that, I get stressed, because I don’t understand why is happening, I want to feel good I want to feel inspired, I end blaming myself and having fear or anxiety, and then I have to interact with other humans in my world and I have interactions which are not fullfilling and then I think to myself damn it there is something wrong with me, and then I try to forgive myself but even if I do it I don’t see the living efects of it and then I get anxiety and so on and so on.
And I am honestly tired, of everything, but particularly of not taking care over myself. I have thought about the other people of my world, about their personalities, their journeys, I wondered how to respect their self-expression and how to prove that to myself, but when I am the one having hard times, when I need to understand myself in real time, I forget about me, I forget about being there for me.
Being there for me it’s not something I achieve, or deserve, it’s not something that can happen or not happen, it’s not something given to me by my own effect and achievements in this world. It’s not something depending on other people, nobody can be there for me if I am not, nobody. Being there for me means seeing that I am not happy, I am not doing things fine, I don’t feel okay, I am not an eternal being who creates perfect results, and accepting it and being there for me even if my whole existence is not. It feels exactly as being alone and being fine with it, I am getting in touch with that.
Right now something interesting happened, I was writing this blog and my cat just came purring at me as he sometimes do, and I felt the love that exists between us that I specially feel when he purrs with me, and I just reacted and started cring, this cat triggered this within me, and it was a very healthy cry I must say, it was like cring for nothing in particular, just for life.
Going back to the topic, being there for me means being for myself what I feel is missing. I always live tring something, doing, discovering, and there is a part I have not payed the attention it deserves to, that’s the part of, it doesn’t matter if I am not my potential and I am living it at its perfect expression, I still can be there for me.
I then went to buy some fruit, and I was not thinking about expressing myself perfecly and creating any experience in particular, I was fine with just not doing anything at all, giving nothing to anything, I didn’t care about anything, I was not happy and I was fine with it. And unexpectly I had a great interacton, not because we both seller and costumer laught and talk or something like that, it was simply because my way of talking was absolutely alligned with myself, and expressing myself like that was fullfilling in itself.
Then I learnt that I don’t need to achieve anything, or get too focused with living my potential, just being there for me can be enough for me to feel that I am there for me, and within that doing things for the simple act of doing things in themselves, not beause I want to prove something, or achieve something, doing things in life honestly from the heart, which means not asking anything from anything, nor from myself or the other people or the world, just doing the things honestly, which means wthout any starting point.
I am a musician and I love sounds and music, while I was talking to the woman who sold me the fruit, the sound of my voice had a peculiar colour. Maybe it was not perfect, maybe it wasn’t the manifestation of everything about my life in one perfect moment of expression PUM there, but it had a certain taste of honesty, the honesty that is honest enough to not fool itself with energies, and it desires nothing and wants to achieve nothing, it is enough in itself, it’s not arrogant because it wants nothing, it asks nothing from anything or anybody. I think I like being emotionally down, because I become a more honest person. In those moments I tend to think too much and feel too much, it’s very hard to stop, and I try to stop it, but I think the important thing about it is trusting, or having some faith, but it’s not a blind act, even it seems so, and definetly feels like it, it’s knowing that you will come back, stronger, and if you remain as yourself while in the down, then the up will make more sense, and you will be able to express it more vividly, like if both parts of you were in synchrony.
I have noticed that when I express in my life this thing that feels more than me, for example when I sing or when I have good honest fun with friends, or write a blog or just create something with my life, when I do that it always has the colour of both sides of the polarity, it’s like if my human heart was made of both at the same time, they are just its way to be alive, the heart needs it to keep pumping blood and live. Sometimes I get so focused with the bright side that I am hopelessly ending at the oposite polarity, it doesn’t matter what I desire, it won’t happen. This experience makes me feel young again, I don’t like it but I guess I need it, and if I have this present in my mind when I am there, if I know I need it and I don’t panic, maybe I can learn to live fully.