Day 128 – Brutal honesty with my addiction

I’ll start from the beggining. Since I was very very young, I started using masturbation,
not for anything in particular, just to feed the mind. As a young child I started getting
depressed, but it wasn’t a normal kind of depression, it was one specially destructive.
One where you have nothing to rely on, you are just empty sad knowing that you have a big consecuence right now, but the moments you are alive you will create again the consecuence, so basically life becomes this cycle where you are constanntly all the time giving up, there is no purpose to anything, and when there is, you betray yourself, you sell yourself for mind energy, and you end up at the same place, a place with no hope.

I fed this mind relationship with porn, and porn was speecifically placed in this earth
to destroy humanity, it’s a reflection of who we are, porn is always an act of the mind.
In porn I found the way to really make of my own addition, something deeply
rooted, impossible to escape, a black whole that would take out my whole life, probably
forever. In porn, through every masturbation, I started feeling this intense guilt and
shame, I fed this black hole of depression where I was so depressed that I could not even
cry, and the messages of porn started getting into me. I started searching for weird stuff,
and who I was as a person, simply changed, I stopped being who I was. I created the most dissempowering experience for me I have ever created, it shaped my whole life, it ruined so many opportunities, and all for nothing, all in the name of abuse, all for me to be able to keep going down, and keep feeling this pointless lack of life within myself, this
depressive cycle, ths way I split myself in two parts, and one of them betrays the other,
and then I suffer so much the consecuences of myself, because it really fucking hurts,
what you feel when you feed the mind really fucking hurts. I don’t talk just about thoughts I talk about addiction like this one, that have a consecuential outflow, that get integrated within your physical substance, and then it gets more difficult to escape. I ended so extremelly fucked up, it was a living nightmare, because I didn’t want the addiction, I really disliked the sensation of being dead, of not being anybody, of being alone, of tring to express yourself and seeing that you are not there, instead you suck so hard, that you reject yourself and create anxiety and fear.

I write all this, because I still feeling this addiction. The whole way I developted this
relation through so many years had a physical consecuence within myself. My body itself was not the same. I lost a lot of focus, attention, all I dreamt at night was about my fantazies, which all of them hidded the shadow of deeply rooted depression, one very dangerous because you are so empty and hopeless that you could end you life. The words part of it is one day waking up, and realizing everything that you have lost, seeing how fucked up everything has been. And not only that, then one day, betraying yourself again. That’s it. That’s when you say ENOUGH!!! You want to scream so hard, you want to destroy everything so hard that it simply becomes a way for you to say ENOUGH!! I WON’T ALLOW THIS TO EXIST WITHIN ME, I’LL FORGIVE MYSELF COMPLETELY.

The consecuences of this addiction didn’t exist only when I was using the addition. The
way I saw women changed, the way I saw life and sexual expression changed, all my energieschanged.

Nowadays, I have healed much, I have become a person I cosider honest. And that’s releaving, that’s helpfull. But sometimes I see women, and I can feel that part of my mind being fed. Sometimes I think about porn and I can see that part of my mind being fed. Sometimes I dream erotic dreams, and I feel that part of my mind beng feed. Sometimes I desire to enter a relatonship and I know it is that part of my mind. And there are no EXCUSES, there should be any of them!!! I have been praticing self-honesty and self-forgiveness but I haven’t fully in all dymentions applied that in real team, in real physical reality and I have seen myself grow to something absolutely new.

This becomes extremely obvious when I am sleeping and dreaming. Because if I am awake, I can fool myself into believing that I have forgiven myself and I don’t have any debt and oh I am forgiven, but when I sleep is when who I really am shows up. And then a lot of fucked up things happen. Sometimes I have a mind orgasm, which is a discharge of energy through sexuallity that feeds my desires, it happens towards an atractive woman who is object of my desires. Sometimes it in fact escalates and gets to the point of me having an orgasm. I may wake up and I may be a ‘different person’, but what happened happened, I and only I allowed it. The kind of experience I had in the dream happened, exclusively because I am not forgiven in each and all parts of my mind, if I was forgiven at all possible dymentions, how would I dream about it? It wouldn’t exist.

Today, something extremely hurtfull and sad happened, for you it may not mean anything, but for me it was really, really important. Today it was a special day, I was having a job interview to renovate concerts for the next season, and I was having the second class of singing with a lot of people in the conservatory of classical music. The first class of singing I had with this people, was amazing, I just shined so much, I say this without ego, I was the best, everybody was impressed of the huge heart I have to sing or to be simply be alive, and I was happy I brought my own vibe into the group with the people and the teacher, and I didn’t care about anything, really, all I wanted was to be there and be expressive. It motivated me, it motivated an intimate and sensitive part of me, like, something that you want to care of so it can grow, something you love. I knew one of the things that allowed me to be that person I always dreamt of, was that I hadn’t used porn for more than a year, and I wasn’t masturbating my mind for energy.

And today at night what happened? It happened what always happens, because I always at night have some kind of movement, energetic movement, sometimes is less sometimes is more, but tonight it got to the point of consecuence, real physical consecuence. I had an orgasm with an atractive women I imagined in my mind, and what happened then? I was alive, aware, to see everything happening in real time. And I felt, I just died there. I could see my energy going so fast my heart beating so fast I was seeing everything inside of me so fast that I ended being nothing, and I knew it all along, and then I knew what was to come, and in that moment I said no more.

No more of allowing any part of abuse of me to exist, no more of not appling myself completely and fully in the moment, no more of dreaming of abuse, no more of blaming myself for my past, no more!!

What is my consecuence now? I will simply miss the singing lesson, I was the whole week waiting to go again, but now I won’t go, I don’t want to be a fraud, I don’t want to be there and not be inspired, as I really am. Also, I will go to the job interview and I am not having the life inside of me, I don’t have confidence or joy, today is a day for me to rest and recover from this.

In the past I would waste much more life than the one I wasted now, but I am extremely
sensitive now, maybe because I am old, maybe because abuse is never justified. We don’t
have to live getting sad becuase of who we have allowed ourselves to be, we always
can take more responsability, and the more it hurts, the more you have abused yourself,
the more responsability you can accept! And I accept it right now! That is my commitment!

I commit myself to stop all cooperation with magnetic mind-energies.
I commit myself to stop all cooperation in my dreams with mind-energies.
I commit myself to forgive myself every single time I activate these mind-energies.
I commit myself to not blame myself for my past.
I commit myself to look at my mind for what it is, and not allow any movement of mind-energies.
I commit myself to express in my life in my work, to be productive, to use time, so I am not drown to release it through masturbation.
I commit myself to be productive each day.
I commit myself to forgive myself for the experience of betraying myself, and the hurt
I have done to myself, and the sadness I feel, and the emptiness I have created.
I commit myself to be with myself, no matter who I am, so I can work with it, so I can
change once and for all and move myself. I commit myself to not reject myself.
I commit myself to, instead of feeling negative and blaming me, being productive and
planning my life so I am creating the experience I in fact want to create.
I commit myself to live with responsability.

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