Day 130 – Why don’t I give up?

Well that’s a good question. Because I beat myself down so much that I don’t honestly know why I don’t give up. By now, I should have already given up. I have seriously done everything I could to stop me, I have made me live and relive my biggest fear in nightmares, I live in a constant state of tention, anxiety, I fear the own fear I can cause to myself. I don’t value myself, I don’t take care of myself, I don’t say anything good to myself about the things I do, I judge myself, I fear my future, I fear not being able to afford my rent.

I just end so worthless at the end of the day. I am not ALWAYS this, but lately yes. I end sad because my life has no purpose, I don’t allow myself to live my purpose. At the end of the day I come back and I am literally suffering, I am in pain, I want to cry, I want to be good to myself but I can’t, and I ask myself who am I? And I don’t honestly know, I don’t know what I am, and I don’t know if I will ever realize, but there is something that I do know, I don’t give up.

And that’s hard to accept, because I should have given up, but I simply don’t. And I ask myself, why do I do it? I know I don’t love myself, I despise myself for my failures and I don’t value myself for my achievements, they are nothing when I hate myself for being who I am. And my point is, why don’t I give up? I mean, it would make things easier for me, because I could be the shit that I am, and allow it, and at least enjoy a life of abuse and waste my entire life. But I know that I am not going to give up. And I don’t know what part of me does not want to give up.

This is the most intriguing part about myself, I have lived moments in my life, that I just don’t care, it’s like if I was already forgiven for everything that I have done and become, but no words can describe that sensation. It’s not even a sensation, it’s, my whole life, everything that I am. When I see that inside of me, I just follow it, and I never know where I am going to end at, all I know is that I am alive and everything about the moment is so important, and I create something within myself which is the purpose of my life, because it solves everything, and it helps everything about this world too.

And I might share now somethng that just happened, my cat came purring as he sometimes do next to me, and when he does that, at the begginign it’s fine but sometimes after some minutes I can’t avoid it and I start cring, my cat purring just has this effect on me. My cat and I in our life sharing the same house we sometimes have moments of expression wether we are playing or looking at each other or anything, and in those moments I know that my cat and I are looking at each other, knowing each other, experiencing each other, and that may seem the most obvious thing to notice about a relationship when you are alive, but believe me, it’s not. So, right now I cried so my cat had to feel it somehow. Then I started to caress my cat and give him some love with the tears I had in my eyes. And this may just be my imagination, but I don’t even care if it’s real or not, it’s just a perception I have had. He started licking all my body and caressing me with his nails, in some kind of massage. Of course it was a beautiful massage because that’s how cats are. And what I perceived, was that the heart of my cat was touched by me having had some tears but giving him some love, and the cat reacted to that about me and started giving me tons of love. It’s just the perception I had. The point is that I always feel intensely loved by this cat, like if he adored me.

So, I don’t know why I don’t give up. But I know, it is because sometimes I do know why I haven’t given up on my life, I see it and I feel it. When you are that, everything is worth it, absolutely everything. The pains and the disconforts and the messy mind fuck ups, they were there for a reason, but when we are separate from ourselves, we can’t see a bigger picture, one where everything about ourselves fits, one where we look directly at the eyes of fear and we say, I am you, and I am finishing you.

The best thing a man like me can do, is to not get distanced from physical reality. This means, not getting distracted with drugs, masturbation, videogames, sugar, girlfriends, or fear.

Just not getting distracted by it, they are all distractions from what really matters, which is me. I am doing everything because of something, I am building it, I see what I am doing and I am walking it, looking directly at the eyes of fear.

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