Day 131 – What is holding me from change?

As always, I am going to talk about me and my experience only. About the point that I am at right now. You may be at a different point in your life, or you may find that you are at the exact same spot that I am at. I for sure feel like that when I read my own words.

What holds me, in my life, is an addiction. This addiction involves a lot of different things, small thoughts, small actions, or big life events, that happen to me as a result of myself… I am not alone within this, because I have 2 forces. My addiction force is equal to me, because it exists within me, and it says: You can say whatever words you want to say, in the end, you are addicted to me and you will commit suicide to be able to feel my energy. My other part, my life part, the one I never regret in any way whatsoever, says: You are alive, that’s all that takes to wake up, you have already woken up, you know this.

I’d like to say beautiful words of fredom, I’d like to talk about how eternally stronge and self-supportive I am, how I have managed to remain as myself, one and equal, and live changing this world in real time, surprising others, surprising myself, showing you how gratefull I am to be here, how much I love myself for being who I am, and how I want you to be the same so we can be bigger. But, my journey it’s not a beautiful one. It’s not confortable, I have not been confortable. There is fear, there is doubt, there is anxiety, there is addiction, there is uncertainty, there is sadness, there is loss, there is regret, there is lack of life. And this is what I need to talk about, this is all I need to talk about. This is it, this is where my last part of me is at. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say this is the LAST part, but I do feel something when I look at it, I feel I am in love with myself. I feel if I grow up from this, I am going to be free, expressive, lovely, and I won’t have fear anymore.

I’ll continue talking about me. Through all my life, I have kept alive within me this small light, that meant that even if I was who I was, unworthy of myself, there was a possibility of self-forgiveness. I just knew this, because rather that giving up and surrendering myself to the abuse, I lived in conflict. I lived in conflict because I knew I was not myself. I did certain things, but they did not represent me. So I prefered to live as a conflict rather than as a person with no soul. And everybody has a soul, everybody can forgive-himself, the same way I can forgive me.

So I had this small light, but then, in my life I always did things I regreted, had thoughts I shouldn’t have had, I desired addictions, I violated my own life and the life of others, I lived to satisfy my mind and the addiction it meant to me. Because I had something missing in me, I felt I had, I didn’t decide to start forgiving myself. And it would have been the best decition of my life. So, I lived with that small light but, in real life, in physical reality, I was all the time selling myself for energy, betraying myself for a determined experience to fulfill my lack of my own life within me. So it did not matter how hard I cried, how hard I suffered or blame myself, it did not matter because I was not alligned with my own light, instead I believed in something, but lived doing another. And this integrated more and more within my physical, to the point where I was possesed, obsessed, and I needed to destroy myself in pain, I just needed to get to that point where I just crash. My life got to a point, when I was using more drugs than ever, I got fired from my job in the band, and my girlfriend and I broke up, that as a result I was a whole week in my bed, I was cring. I cried so hard, so so intensely, something in me just broke. But in that moment, what I was really feeling if I look at it now, was my heart opening up. It was the beggining of my balance between joy and pain, it was me accepting that I have to do something, no matter where I start, no matter how small the step is, I have to start walking for myself.

And I am thankfull I went through that experience, I am thankfull I have made all the mistakes I have made, and walked all the steps I have walked. Because, I started creating something from its roots, from the ground, from the point of, I am not here yet, I am just something I saw in a distant dream in another life. But I know I have to walk there, even if it hurts, even if I hurt, I have to start doing it, because maybe some day, I will see that what there is around me it’s alligned with myself, and I can rest and breath, instead of living between chaos and pain and not finding myself. Just to maybe someday be able to rest within myself, I will walk everything I have done, till this day, it’s the only path possible for me, now that I have seen what I am made of in my core.

Life is not good or bad, life gives you each possibility for you to choose. You can, if you decide to, in your solitute, in the story of your life that only you know, walk alligned with something that is good for you, and for everybody. Because essentially, what is good for you, what you know deep in your heart is right no matter what, is always good for the person next to you. They will see it and admire you, and encourage you to keep living creating it, because you are giving life to everyone around you and they appreciate you are teaching them to create it for themselves too, and this is the purpose we are here for, we are here so we can set the world free, and we can all live as one.

So I walked, I started walking, and today with each day I see more and more the result of what I created the day I commited myself to walk my own path towards the unknown. Today I am learning, today I am becoming, that if I walk in my life and in my mind, commited to who I am, I stop all thoughts and I focus on physical reality here and now, and I stop feeding any kind of desire/addiction, I will always live going up and up. I won’t have to go again to the point of physical consecuence where I just crash, and it does not matter if the crash is bigger or small, it’s a crush, it’s a moment that you wether you want it or not will regret, it is an accident, and it always feels in the same way, it always feel disempowering, and I am done with that path. I am done with, within my secret mind, desiring mind energy and feeling it, and abusing myself, and then supressing it and pretending that I haven’t seen it. I am done with it and I am applying myself 100% efectively in this moment. Why? Because I never regret it, and I get to a point where I have so much life within myself that I am free, I am joyfull and it is who I am, I am expressive, but these are just words, I become a direction able to go straight to its objetive, there are no barriers, nothing holds me back, I can create who I am in this reality, I can feel the opportunity, the adrenaline, and it just gets to a point where it blows up, and it changes me forever, I realize it is the only way for me worth living it, and then I have no choice, I am forever commited to walk with myself.

I want to leave you with one question: If you know how to learn from fear, how to look at it directly at the eyes, if you know how to live for real, taking risks, and you are there to support yourself when you fail, so you can take care of yourself and recover so the next time you try it harder, then, what is fear? And who are you?

Thank you.

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