This is too much to put into words, I’ll do my best. Also, there is a lot I don’t know, things I just don’t know the answer for.
I have a teacher, and he is an admirable man. It’s just the feeling I get, I know he is just someone else, one more human, but at the same time, he has something I seek, he plays the guitar so well, oh-my-god, what could posibly drive a man to improve himself so much? Not just improving physically, but mentally. I just have never met a musician like him, I want to be as talented as him, this is why I work in my life, I have always had the selfish desire of being special and deserving more than the rest, and even if some say this is inhenerent to human nature, I don’t think so, I think creating something which is best for all it’s the purpose of our lives, it must be, and this is why I have changed since I was an ego driven person, now I not only think about myself but about how everyone and everything is involved in that. And I am accepting that it is a process, and I am proving each day, in a balanced way.
So this teacher, within what he have done, with his talent, his skill, who he is, he reveals a great love for himself, a great energy, or fuel. When you walk so much, so hard, so intensely, so brilliantly, something must be driving you, some force. And this is what he reveals to me, he reveals a force. Some call it ego, some call it life which is best for all. There is not way for me to know other people. I only know who I am. And in my past, I was absolutely hoplessly ego driven, now I am slowly but surely taking everyone into consideration, because we are all the same, and if I deserve, you deserve.
So this teacher, and not only him, me, I have a great love for what I do, I am in love with what I do, because I love it, I love the music, I love my expression, it’s so brilliant, I love the mind games of instruments of music, I love the rythm, I love the human conection. And I love a lot the inmense world, it’s a world full of mysteries, it’s a journey, and in that journey you are walking and you want to arrive somewhere, because either way, why walk? If you are not arriving anywhere, why? If you are not even walking, why bother to walk? I walk to arrive to something, which is my sacrifice, my sacrifice for the love I have for the walk I am walking. In my case, I am walking the guitar, music, the rythm, the sound, the human conection, the secrets, there is a lot to it, it’s a whole world of complex art: music. And I walk, with commitment, because there is a place to arrive, at the end of my journey, that place don’t need to be a gift or a punishment, it will be simply myself, my journey, my expression, I will have been me expressing my uniqueness in my expression, and this is what I am here for, and I have decided music to be the vehicle for my expression.
So this is all I see within myself, within my teacher, he knows everything, and I mean it, he is a honest man, he didn’t trick himself into believing he was good, he became the honest god of music, he traveled every fucking where, and I can learn from him, he has walked a lot for himself, and he is there to support me, so I don’t make the same mistakes he has done, so I can be a better vertion of myself. And that makes me happy because I am here to express myself, to sacrifice my whole life for the path I walk, and I want to be as specific as possible and accept and embrace everything that I can, the more I walk the better and more far I’ll go, so I appreciate being able to learn from this man, I appreciate who this person decided to be in his life, because he is sharing it with me, so I can share it with others, and in some ways he is myself. But this is who I am, I am open to see the dishonesty in someone I admire.
Today, I connected with this man. And I felt all of this and more. I felt the purpose of my life, my own path. I felt my living force being open to sacrifice itself for itself. And this is what I was waiting for, to express myself and live a fullfilling life.
This that I am expressing, it’s more than me, in every way, sex specially, because I have always felt sex, or atraction, to be something beautiful, like when I saw a girl who I thought was cute, but the truth is that this beauty exists within me, because it’s a part of the whole that I am. And the whole that I am it’s not confined in sex, of course not. I am my living force of sacrifice and commitment, and achievement. And I am doing this because it fullfills me entirely, and I can share that with everyone else, I can show them how I have been fullfilled, and I can support them if necessary. I say it is MY fullfillment because it exists within me, not because others have to exist in relation to it, I am just myself, I am doing this for myself.
So, today this energy between me and my teacher was borned, and it was an experience. Like falling in love, two opposites, a person open to learn, and a person who teaches. I say falling in love because it’s the most similar to what I feel, this living force, to walk my life/process.
This is cool, I think, I am going to work and learn a lot. This is the cure to the way I have lived my live: to walk a fulffiling live.
Now, there is something else. And that is the responsability. Because unless responsability is taken, nothing else matters. Only life matters. My responsability, as I understand now, it’s knowing that who I am is best for all. We, musicians, to do what we do and feel what we feel, we take our energy and we direct it waaaaay up, to the point where our energy rises and express itself. And, I like that, because it seems like you create something in your life, you don’t just waste yourself, when the experience ends you are more than you were. So, if this energy is directed, for something which is best for all, I believe we find balance, and peace. I see what me, and other people, become by having this energy explotions but not having responsability or guidance. They, we, become ego, like, the believe that I am something when I am actually nothing. How to know if you are something? You are best for all.
The experience of energy wants to say, I am best for all! But what is the experience? Just an experience of energy, no matter how lovely, delicious, sweet, brilliant, the energy may feel. It’s just that, energy, there is nothing more to it. What happens is that human beings, in our minds, we are normally energy driven, and atracted by it, so do you imagine? Manipulating energy itself? We would go like… yess! For me!
So, I have always believed how cool it is, to feel basically ecstasy, and how missleading it can also be. Believing that only the energy is enough, for anything? For me, energy is just energy, I repeat, no matter how sweet, lovely, delicious, brilliant, it may be. And the important question is, who are we, at the door of something bigger than ourselves? Do we get corrupted by it? Do we get possesed? Do we surrender ourselves to it? Who are we? What are we made of? What were we made of? If there is something I can say right now, with everything that I am is, the most subjetive moments, the moments where you know things are powerfull an intense, are the easiest moments to get missleaded, and also the biggest chances of discovering and realizing ourselves as something which is best for all. The fear is that we will dissapear, but I don’t believe we deserve to exist as self-interest, no matter how good, lovely, delicious, brilliant it may feel. Specially if you feel brilliant, specially if you feel lovely, there it is the only moment to prove yourself, the rest it’s all a lie, because you changed, you were changed by the experience, who are you then? Now you’ll go down again, and you’ll have to rediscover everything again, and see if you realize yourself as life best for all.