Day 138 – The truth about me

I am in a bus, and I normally get dizzy but I am fine right now surprisingly. I am here with you to share an experience. I was thinking about myself, just, about myself, everything. And I thought, why? Just, why? That’s my question. Why do reality work like this? Why does ‘best for all’ exist? I seem to not understand a certain meaning, when it doesn’t exist according to myself. And this created the question of, why do I exist like that? And why do ones and equality exist like that? I just don’t know and, why or how am I going to trust something which I do not understand?

I can not explain you with words, since I do not understand, but I did live something while I was looking at the point I explained. I can not try it with my whole life, so I tried it with the thing I have next to me, which just happened. I coming back to my town from a casting where I did an audition, and well, it went badly, and I am worried, and even my mind still feeds of my anxiety in relation to it when I think about it, but it only does it because it knows that I created some space within myself, like, the sand which have nutrients and so plants can grow in it, and this is what I am about to explain, with no positive energy.

While I was having this realization I don’t understand, I just applied it to this casting thing I had that was causing me stress even if I was thinking, well there is nothing anymore I can do about it, the moment already happened. And what happen, well, I am trying to explain without positive energy, please be patient, what happened was that I simply saw a path for me to take responsibility for what I was feeling, for me to say… I know I allowed this experience to be more than me, and this is why I now feel miserable, I degradated my own self the moment I let this experience be more than me and define me, and so I lost my true self, POSITIVE ENERGY RELAX! I am talking. And I lost my true self and I knew that it did not matter who I could perceive myself as, I would not be myself. And when I saw this, I did something which was so painfull that it didn’t even make me feel like cring, because cring is pleasant. It made feel very bad, let just let it there, like when you are highly drunk and dizzy and you about to puke and you feel poison in your heart? That’s how painfull I felt it. And after that, I tried to give it some meaning, but there was not more that I could do at that moment, so I shifted my focus to another thing, and when I came back, even if I know how painfull It was, I knew it, it didn’t feel as painfull as before.

This is an experience I have had. This experience for me proves something, proves the truth of my existence. It proves that I don’t exist limited to the question ‘Why?’, I exist as, I don’t know, as taking responsibility for myself the same way I have explained in the experience I had. That’s one of the most consciously painfull and honest moments I have had in a long time, and I know there a lot more of moments like that to come. One of my barriers is positive energy, because it’s rather limiting, and just feels fake. The truth is the truth, and positive energy is positive energy.

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