Day 140 – Fear of change

I decided to make things easy for myself, and keep sharing my journey in this same blog. For my next post I will change this big front image because it makes me dizzy.

I have fear, I am fear. I don’t know if it is fear from my past, back in the days when my mother used to scream at me until I broke, or it’s fear of not having enough money to pay rent keep studing and take care of my cat, maybe it’s fear that I know things won’t ever be the same for me, or that I know that I am going to die. But I think it is fear of being alone, fear of being here right now, alone, as I am.

I could just play a videogame, watch a serie, go do physical excerice, I could buy stuff, look for a job, think about my past, think about my future, about my friends, I could play with my cat. But I decided to not do anything, because this fear was too important, and I could escape it easily, as I have always done.

I still being afraid, because I can’t just go back to the confort of being who I was now that I know the truth.

I wasn’t what I thought I was, I wanted to be the first one and I ended being the last one. I thought I was special, in a honest justifiable way, and I was not. I was not honest because I was separated from who I am. And I won’t ever be anything if I am not unified with that. What I will be eternally doing is diminishing myself, and once I am divided and smaller, search for my missing part in some place out there, and then creating positive energy and also negative, a complete fuck up. After fear came sadness, depression, I wanted to hide but I couldn’t. Then I had a horrible night where I couldn’t breath, woke up and everything about me was gone.

But this is not everything, I have realized one thing, I have fear of change, which makes me feel incomplete, insecure, uncertain, fearfull, alone, lost, because, who I was before was not who I though I was. I was actually incomplete and insecure before the fear was manifested within me, and I have always feared being alone. Because there is a hole in me, but this is tricky, I only feel that because I have diminished myself during this life, not because I am really incomplete. So now I see something, anything, and I don’t judge it, I see my judgements without judging them, and then I accept them, and I go to who I am, right here, right now, who I have always been, who I can not stop being, who I would be even if I didn’t want to.

I have understood that everything I have ever been, it’s gone, it is nothing, and it was nothing. It has always been nothing, but I had diminished myself, and I needed to be something so hard… I needed to be something to complete me and feel like I haven’t lost myself. But no, no more, if I ever have had a quality, ever in my life, it has been humbleness, and I haven’t expressed that, in a very long long time, I lost it at a very young age. And I fooled myself into believing that I was being humble when I was not, this is who I am, a lier.

I have decided to not resist what it is to come to me, I could not resist it even if I wanted. Everything has crushed down, but if I do it again, no matter if it is big or small, if I divide myself again consciouslly because I perceive myself to be in some place out there, where I perceive I will ‘gain myself’, if I do this again, I suffer the consecuences x10. So I have 2 paths, going back to who I was which is impossible, or suffering x10 because I perceive I am ‘gaining myself’ within a certain decition. Or, I could aswell reman with myself, alone, and then do you want to know what happens? Regret does not exist. Tricky isn’t it?

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