Day 141 – Sleep apnea and strenght

I have sleep apnea, it has gone worse in the last weeks, I am seeing my doctor tomorrow. It causes me to wake up several times in the night, with dry mouth, throat and nose, after a nightmare where I die, and if I have a bad night it will be a nightmare of my mind creating creative fears against me. Other times, the lack of healthy deep breathing causes me to feed the opposide side of my mind (postive) to stop looking at the disconfort of my body, and for example I dream about playing a videogame where I get rewards, when in fact what is happening is that I have a lack of oxygen in my body. My voice sounds crappy after being so dry during the night, sometimes I have blood in mouth and nose, and the worst are the moments before waking up in the middle of the night after not being able to breath, it used to be worse though, I have had nightmares where I was escaping from a mind monster, and it was really scary. In my last nightmare I was in the street and suddenly big pieces of ice started falling from the sky followed by rocks of the size of a car and people started screaming in pain, I thought, okay right now I have to look for a spot with roof where I can hide and I must go there, while I was running I thought, I am not going to make it I am going to die, I have to be here consciouss at the moment the rock kills me so I go to the dymentions while I am aware to see everything that happens lol.

So, this is what I am going through. This is what I am living right now, I will see my doctor tomorrow, but the point is, this situation has actually supported me, and I have learnt something from it. I have learn what the word strenght means.

Strenght does not mean living strenght in the easier moments, the moments where you feel most stronge. Strenght is there to be lived when you are weak, the hardest moments to be stronge. Within that, the most supportive thing, the thing that will make you most stronge, is stopping to fight it. Because fighting against it is part of the past, when I used to fight a certain situation and keep myself between “Living strenght” and “Giving up”, and not actually doing anything about anything, instead creating friction and mind energy from this two opposites, but without arriving anywhere. I decided to arrive to the truth, to manifest the word Strenght, and there I found that I don’t need to be stronge, not really, I just need to stop the fight and be myself, I need to not lose myself, no matter how difficult the situation may be. Because it is what is best for me and for everyone. As Lao Tse used to say, what heaven and earth can’t keep, do you think the human is going to keep? I don’t know the particular meaning Lao Tse gave to it, with his particular exact words, but for me this means, not even god here or in the afterlife can save me, how would I even save myself? This means, everything is meant to die, even god, then, if strenght means stopping to fight, I don’t need to live in this conflict I am living in my life, because nothing about god or this earth is going to give me strenght, in fact, strenght was never needed, what I need is myself, to realize who I have always been, who I can not stop to be even if I wanted, I am stronge, I am just stronge, and I know this because it does not depend on my life being easier or harder, I am strenght, I am self-support, it is who I am.

Strenght how I used to define it does not even exist, there is nothing to fight against, that is true strenght. Things in life doesn’t exist. They exist because we create them because we are livng in a conflict, but if you know who you are, you also know who you have always been, and then there is no conflict, and therefore there is no strenght. This is strenght.

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