Day 148 – Being the parent I never had

I don’t like victimizing myself, and this I have been taught to. When I was a child, which for me is basically, most of my life because as a child I created the fundations of myself, and then I just grew, until I decided to wake up around 19 years old, which makes for me like… 2 years of actualy conciously living. So well, when I was a child, I had a separated world inside my mind, there there were a lot of things, one of them was that I was absolutely not allowed to victimize myself, ever, it was like… something I unconciously wanted, I wanted to be the victim of my life, at least once, but I was completely separated and denied from that possibility, and it became supressed. And I always grew up believing that it was all my fault. And later with time it was a big surprise, what a joke, to know that not only my life it has not been my fault, but me, who I allowed myself to be as a person, wasn’t my fault neither, because if I take responsability and stand up for what is right no matter the cost, I then and only then allow myself to be forgiven. And well what brings me here to this blog right now is that I feel I want to talk about something to clarify my thoughts, sometimes I create new cool things about me in here, other times I talk about my past and all the long years I have lived.

I don’t blame my fother anymore, because I realize that he did what he knew how to do, he provided money for his son, and he made sure he respected the law, the rest he knew nothing about. And everything about him was honestly not that bad, but still, everything was a huge black mess back then, that’s what it became for me, because my fother was not there to support me. My mother, well, she is just crazy, and I think she had more influence in me than my fother, well it’s not an opinion, she did. She wanted a girl and she had two boys with tons of testosterone, I get that, but when you have children you stop having preferences, when you have a child you are giving everything, but if the word everything means nothing to you, you will commit abuse. I was always in another world, I tried to help my parents, I was a smart kid, I helped my brother until he grew up.

Honestly, the more I talk about my past the less reactions I have to it and the more I create as life now in my present. And I am going to do what I always do, I am going to allow myself to victimize myself for once, and then I am going to let it go and be free of absolutely everything.

I remember than because of how smart I was as a kid, I knew that my parents were wrong, but my fother had to leave the home when I was 5 because of a traumatic divorce and I barely saw him, my mother became my parents. I remember knowing that I am right, I know my life should not be denied, no matter what, I am just a child, I can’t really understand… but I know what is right, and I knew she was wrong. I remember once, I don’t know exactly what happened, but I got pissed off, I am talking about being 4-5 years old, and I said like I always did: okay you treat me like this and you make me this? I am going to leave the home. I said that so often that my mother one day went next lvl, and she brought her neurosis also to that vulnerable part of me, and she said, you want to leave home? Just fucking leave home c’mon, pick the toys you want, and leave, you are leaving.

I went to my room, I picked my favorite toys, and I went outside alone for first time in my life. She didn’t believe I would leave, like if she could break my truth so easily uh? I left, she initially didn’t go after me. But I went down all the steps of the community, and reached the street, not knowing where I was going, in an absolute unknown world, and I then suddenly saw myself there, alone, I started cring. I remember very clearly how and why I cried, it wasn’t for being alone in the street, even if it was scary, it was because I as a child never expected the situation of my life to get to that point, I don’t know why but I felt save, I thought I was save, but then I hit a wall, a mental block, and I knew I was right but I just cried because I did not understand… then she appeared, picked me up and got me home. I had a lot of experiences like this. When my mother used to get pissed of, which was always, she treated me like if I was, and old person, like if I could actually understand her crazy mind stories, and I could not, specially when you say all of those things like a crazy screaming neurotic resentfull empty of love monkey, then you are not really asking me for help, you are just suffering, and you want to hurt me too, it doesn’t matter if you deny it later, in your mind you can make up any story you desire, you’ll believe it was not you, it has not happened, but for me, it became my reality. But I had to learnt at a very young age, that I had to support my mother. But this time I was not supporting, this time supporting meant being a slave. I had to be her slave, because otherwise she would use me against myself, and this killed my own will, this killed what I knew was right within me, and it had a lot of consecuences. And please don’t missunderstand me, I and only I did it, I did it, but still I don’t know, I feel like things could have gone differently, but it’s fine I don’t blame anybody anymore.

This may seem contradictory to you, but I have learnt something very important from all of this, like gold. When I see a kid I don’t just see an avarage human being, I know how he feels because I remember and I’ll never forget and I am able to support that kid. I appreciate how important is for them to be taken care of, until they are old enough to take responsability for themselves, that will in fact become their own decition. Sometimes it’s hard to accept that everything that happened to me when I was a kid was my responsability, but it is now, because I know who I am, and I will never again forget that, it is my way out, because as a child I wanted to do it, but I couldn’t I was trapped, and now I am older and I see who I am, and I feel what I feel since I started living on my own in another city, I feel how since I was a kid I have been craving for this fredom, from everybody, an empty espace only for myself, to decide who I want to be in this life.

I have unfullfilled desires of growing up as a child in this world, and this is how it was meant to be. This is how it happened, and SEE! I AM HERE NOW! So, I decide to use absolutely all of this to help myself realize who I am, and help everyone as myself. I don’t blame anybody, it has been a sad joke, but it is over now, I made it to myself inside myself, and I accept it, because it is how things are, and I learn from the past and let it go.

And do you know how much I am going to really support my child some day? Very much, because all of this have enriched me, I have a bigger view, about a lot of things, and the day I have a child I am going to be ready for it, it won’t take me distracted like it has happened to my parents.

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