For me it was a total shift. I had always being afraid of something, I always had a doubt in my core. This doubt was that I knew that what is best for all is the only thing that should exist, but even if I seemed to have that clear in my mind, at my core there was a point I did not give up, because at a certain point of my life I accepted that I had to do something in my life tu fullfill myself, to obtain something, a reward, someday. Wether it was justified with the hidded and supressed goal of money, sex, or god, the point was very simple: I don’t want to and will not forgive myself completely, for absolutely everything. And, forgiving oneself completely it’s a very interesting experience, you then decide to really live what is best for all, this time without any justification for lies, and now there will be no more door for lies and excuses to be borned.
And I realized this the moment I stopped positive energy inside of me completely. It does not mean that I have found the absolute balance, probably never will, but it certainly is a step in the direction I really want to go, something has changed in me and gets clearer every day. It’s like if every thought I was so used to have, was borned from the starting point of desire, and separation, and positive energy, and I mean this, EVERY thought, I tried but I could not find a single honest thought within myself, and this is simply because I haven’t created myself yet. And the moment I saw this, I realized it and I stopped it, and then all my energies remained inside of me, there was no energy being used to generate thoughts, negative or positive, and I felt really amazing, but understand this word “amazing”. I felt clear, honest, alive, but at the same time these words were not positive, they were honest, which is a complete different thing, these words were created by themselves, I did not create them, see them, or think about them, I was simply in such as state that I was free to choose my fate. This time I was not addicted to my mind, this time I realized that I won’t find life within my mind, and it’s time for me to get damn especific with my self-forgiveness, so I can follow my rythm like when a tree is growing, and now I am growing to this.
I went to visit family and friends to my hometown, and I was really excited to go back there and talk to the people I know, and share everything I have to share which is a lot with them. But what I found instead of this mind picture, was people gossiping, negativity, frustration, drug abuse. It wasn’t all bad, but it certainly was a pretty unbalanced situation, to the point where I did not feel in place. I was not used to this, I did not expected it, and I felt totally drained. And the rest of the people did nothing wrong, they are just doing what is natural for them, they had smiles in their faces, but for me was very different. I then decided to go back to my own house, get in touch with myself, and think about all of this. I had been excited at first but it felt like I was going there to die and mentally charge the rest of people. And I don’t like that, because I can do so much more than just feeding the energy of polarity of the mind of the people.
But being honest it is me who allowed myself to use my own mind to be polarized like them, and create energy, and charge everyone. I made this mistake, and so I am learning how to really relate with people.
What does currently “relating” means? Creating energy through polarity, to charge the mind conciousness system, and feel like “something is happening”. Within this, allowing myself to “support” the other person, even though I know what the mind is. And I do this because it is easier, and I decide to not stand for myself and what I know in my heart is right.
How would I redefine the word Relating? Simple. Means being the absolute directive principel of myself within my physical, and from there, deciding what will happen at each moment. Wether I engage in mind games or not, it will be my choice, I won’t take the easy way as I have always done, charging the polarized minds of people, I have something to give, I will give it, I won’t allow myself anymore to pretend that I am something I am not. Next time I will live self-honesty and self-responsability, I won’t blame others, and I will be with them while I am not giving up on myself.