Day 150 – Back to my basics: The mind

Hi, about 1 or 2 weeks ago I had an insane reaction where I even deleted all of my desteni friends from Facebook, and it’s like, wtf? Did this people even do something to me? No, they were normal, even friendly people. But the reaction was about what desteni looked like inside my mind.

Right now I am in hell, because I have breathing issues which cause me to barely rest while sleeping, and because this brings unexpected reactions within me, reactions that show me how little I know about myself. And that’s surprising, the fact that when I am awake I am one person, and when I am sleeping, the moment I lack some oxygen, suddenly everything about me is back. So, I am starting a process of going to my basics in absolute self-honesty, maybe once I have the operation for my nose suddenly I have no problems, but this process will be good because then I will be prepared and I will know how to take more care of myself.

So, when I sleep, I have an experience which is not supportive. And I’ll explain what supportive means. Throughout my life I have created something in me, it is just like another muscle, or a button that you press inside yourself, it’s just something you have within you that you can see and understand. I don’t know about the rest of the people, but this thing within me has never being what I consider a good thing. A good thing is something which is not corrupted, it needs nothing from anything, it has no desires, and it will give you back what you give to it. And that’s a good thing, it’s the best thing, because the only thing which can support an individual is self-honesty, as honest as possible. So, this thing within me, was never good. I mean sometimes it was, but only sometimes. Most of me, was never self-honest enough, with myself, the rest of people, or this world. And this happened because of all that ever happened to me and how I reacted to it, from emotional reactions to this world, to ideas I accepted, drug abuse, excesive masturbation, etc. With the time I accepted more and more of this “muscle”, this “button”, and it got to a point where it had grown a lot. It became who I was when I was in the present moment, the moment where I exist, I now was channeled through this thing within myself, and that wasn’t and it’s currently not cool as I have explained.

So, I am most of my day… being cool, I am fine, I don’t think about crazy stuff, or things that I don’t feel identified with, I don’t betray myself, I am one person. But what happens is that I am allowing this thing within myself to exist, so it doesn’t matter if I am not having those thoughs or reactions right now, the door is opened, because I am it, I am just not feeding it, but the moment I go to sleep, it is finally released, it was waiting for the opportunity because when I am asleep it’s there but I don’t let it expand. And what happens is even worse, because due to my lack of oxygen because I can’t properly breath, I will use this thing within me to generate stuff, thoughts, ideas, anything that has a particular reaction of energy, so I then feel it and I focus on it, instead of on the real thing happening to my body. I enter a state where the little oxygen which is getting it, I don’t even allow it to be of use because I stop breathing properly, I stop breathing with my belly, and then I have a lack of oxygen and I am also not breathing properly. Then I wake up, and it’s not only that I have woken up 5 times during my sleep and I haven’t rested, the little chances I had to rest, I used them because I was bored to generate energy and energy and now I am exhausted, and it’s like I wake up to finally after all be able to rest. Because, I just don’t have the energy, and the time, to really take the time to rest, I am so busy with the energies that I can’t and I won’t stop.

This night I had a dream which gave me some clarity, and I think that probably it is what led me to this blog. Tonight I had the avarage ammount of nightmares, anxieties and emotional reactions which let me exhausted and with no life, but there was also another dream which made me feel alive. I was in a car, looking at a very beautiful big forest, and there a lake with a giant dead tree in the middle of it, it was a very beautiful landscape, I love landscapes, and I was like… oh man, I am finally here, surrounded by nature! I love it, there is nothing more to do than being in the moment. Then with the car I arrived to a place that I felt I already knew, even if it was the first time I was there. It was a community where people lived according to nature, the children had no phones and wore leather cloth, all wore the same cloth, and the people were just… it wasn’t that they were super happy and energetic, or maybe they were, they could be. But it was rather their general state of being, you heard them and looked at them and you knew that they were more than you, in the sense that they had no abuse, they had more life, they were not corrupted, they didn’t abuse their own fun, as we do nowadays with tecnology and all these stuffs which there is… they lived with nature, next to nature, and you could feel it, I wanted to live there, I had been waiting to find a place like that to just say I want to be here and rest. I was leaving, I was at the door, so I said to these 2 women that apparently run the place: I have waiting a long time to tell you this, now it’s my opportunity, I love this place! I love nature! They answered me with some jokes and we had a cool conversation, we understood each other like if we already knew each other. I also remember a momenet where they were showing me the place and I was saying like oh my good… I have to hug the trees! Or just climb to one of them lay down and rest.

So as always, while looking at this I don’t focus on the particular things I saw in my dream, even if they could be of use, I look at the experience of the dream. The most similar experience I have had, of being young again, was the times of my life I have meditated, and stopped my mind, all of it, and desteni has been of the most support with this. When I have been fully commited appling myself each day at each breath, this is the feeling I got, the same of the dream, like if you were young again and surrounded by nature.

Right now, there are many things I am doing, many plans I have for my future, I can’t allow myself to waste my life, I want to express myself while I am here. To do that, it is necessary that I stop this muscle within myself that I call my mind, because otherwise, even if when I am aware I am not directly seeing it, it will be activated and expanding itself, and the moment I go to sleep, specially if I have breathing problems, it will literally kill me, this morning I woke up, and I was in hell. I was saying to myself, my state right now is hell, I have tried everything but my only way out is stopping my mind. And the only thing I had was this dream, and I had only experienced a similar feeling while I was meditating and focusing my days on stopping my mind so I don’t consume myself.

I commit myself to stop my mind, no excuses.

I commit myself to write myself whenever I notice something has changed.

I commit myself to learn how to unconditionally breath during my day, so when I sleep, I do as less harm as possible to myself.

I commit myself to not victimize myself when I feel things are changing, and to commit myself to why I am doing this, who I really am, what is life for me.

I commit myself to not allow my starting point to be of my mind.

 

 

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