Day 157 -The lies I tell to myself

I say a lot of lies to myself, sometimes I care about what other people think of me, or I want to impress them, or I blame someone, or I judge people, good people and bad people, or I enjoy things in such a way that I stop being the directive principle, and much more. But the biggest lie I say to myself is that because I feel invincible, and I am invincible, I will always be. And it just doesn’t work everytime I do it. I am not saying I am not invincible, I know I have moments that will always be with me, no matter what, but, what’s the point if at some point of my life I stop being who I am and just disconect from that? Then it does not matter who I was, I am no longer that person so, who cares about what I have been? I just have a tendency to believe myself to be something I am not, and I am not saying I am not it, I am rather saying that I don’t know how to live it in such a way that what I create is in fact honest. When I based myself on things that last in the moment normally it doesn’t tend to work well at the end. Just, who wants to be humble if you can stop being humble? And it’s not that I am not this person able to surprise myself, I love that, it’s just that I commit myself with myself only as long as I need to support myself. Once I am free, it’s like fuck it! Who was this silly guy being the directive principle and taking care of his own awareness? And then even if I know everything I know I create my own reality and I get lost in that because it’s easier. Why is it that in the easiest moments of our lives we create the biggest fuck ups? It seems irrational. It’s because I am greedy, and I like enjoying myself in such a way that I stop knowing my way back home, my physical. This is my problem, greed, I don’t just want my piece of the cake, I want the entire cake and then I don’t look back, it’s my cake! Fuck everything and everything else, my cake. I am just glad I am living and learning my lessons moment by moment I think, at least I have this, my life, my truth, let’s see if I live this word in such a way that it makes me more than who I am for real.

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