Day 159 – Who I am

In my blog I do the same that when I play guitar. With my guitar I can play happy or sad songs, sometimes I have played songs very very happy, and I have shared them with people and they have been good moments. But what I most know how to play are sad songs, songs that come from me, because for me, who I am in this moment, sadness is the most real thing. It’s not that I am only sadness, when I am happy sometimes I am very happy and I make people happy, in a way that I love to do it, like if it was real, like if when I said what I want to say, the person saw in the sound of my words that it is real and he felt what I feel. But this for me is but a part of myself that I don’t get to comprehend completely, a part of me that I have created to build an ego and be able to say that I am a positive person, and people should love me. And people sometimes love me, and I love them. But it’s not really real, because the most real thing I have inside me and I have always had is sadness, it’s the most pure feeling I have. That’s why I am so good playing classical guitar, as a solist, taking a sad song and playing it so good that people know that nobody would have performed it better at that moment. Without other people of a band to follow the rythm, without having to be happy, playing a sad song that I play my own way. In sadness I allow myself to be real, humble, I have nothing to prove, I don’t care about anything, I am just there playing the song. I would have always liked that everything I feel in my life was as real as sadness, but it has never been, I know a lot of things but I will never know something as good as having something inside you which is killing you, and the only thing you can do with it is get sad, at least something.

So, who am I? Honestly I don’t know, I don’t know who I am. Sometimes I am god and other times I am a sad person, and other times I am free. For me pain doesn’t exist in relation to anything, it’s simply a thing that is had within you and that eats you from inside. But other times I see another thing, and I really see ti, I see as if it was the divine day, sort of. It’s like if everything I am was already in me, suddenly, without I even calling it, without having looked for it, it comes in the most unexpected way, it always surprises me, it does because I can’t imagine it, because at doing so I just create this positive and nice image of what it is, pero it’s not related to that. It’s like if I had no barriers, like if the doors of my expression were wide open, and it flowed through them everything I really have inside, and that’s conplicate to define, because how do you define sometime that is only present when you are not? It’s something that I am always chasing after, always, in everything I do, it doesn’t matter that I say to myself that I don’t do it, that I am being humble, I am always chasing after it, but it only comes when I am not. I don’t know if I am able to remember it, or if it is really who I am, or if I’ll die before I get to express that, or if it’s already too late for me, or if my brain will never find that part of me again. I don’t know if I will allow to exist in me, I don’t know if I’d be able to control it when it came, I don’t know if I’d be worth it, I don’t know if I’d live with the responsability, I don’t know if I’d have it without abusing it, if I would respect it eternally so it keeps being real, I don’t know if I am capable of accepting it’s all I am going to ever want, I don’t know if I’d be able to not hurt it, I don’t know if my life really makes sense, if I matter, if I am willing to bring myself back. I used to be it when I was a kid at the playground of my school, all I saw was that, I liked everything, for me everything was special, and then as time passed… I don’t know when it happened, it was a process, I slowly started having fear, I started apologizing, people started hurting me more, the world became too important, much more important than me, and one day I was alone at my house and I realized that it seemed like if I was not alone, like if now I was connected to people, despite being alone, something like that.

I know a lot of things, in my mind I’ve walked to the end of the universe and I have come back a million times, I already know it, but who am I? And how to live myself in every moment of my life? And be humble? That’s another story.

I know I’m saying all these words, because they are who I am, but if I invent new words of it, they hurt me. And I know why they hurt me, I am seeing it, it’s because it’s not who I want to be. I don’t want to be this, nor I want to be sad, or juzge people, hate them. I am afraid that if I choose to live again I’ll hurt myself again, and who suffers pain it’s me, me, this is what I have missed during my life. That’s why now I am seeing who I want to be, inside of me I am a really lovely person, literally, I like helping people, knowing that there is nothing they can do for me to stop being who I am, I like sharing my truth and my self-honesty with people, I like to choose who I am, have fredom to express myself, and make of this world a better place with it. I like to know that for me the most important thing is me, above everything else, above money, fame, hate, drugs, or anything else. I like knowing that despite everyone around me turning their backs on me, I am always going to be for myself, taking care of me, working, and doing everything I can to grow. I like when I am commited, when I take a decition, when I stop lying to myself and believing my own lies, I like when I am capable of seeing when I am hurting myself, when I am lying to myself. I like to be devoted towards something that nobody will ever see, something that I will never make anything out of it, but for me has incalculable value. What I most like is not hurting myself, and if I do see where I have done it so I can fix it and promise me it’s over. I like stopping being against me, so I stop myself from expressing myself unconditionally, whenever I want, towards what I want, because the moments requires it. I like to know that I am being who I am, that I am not searching for anything, that I am focused on what I have to be focused on, that I am not making excuses, that I am seeing through barriers. I like not stopping to be who I am, for anything or anyone, I like recognizing myself in my own nothingness, in my own secret clarity. But above all not hurting myself, not allowing myself to believe that I deserve to hurt me. And I like believing in others, and that people see who I am, and whe can help each other, and we can trust on one another. It’s cool when life is not a competition, and one stops having fear because the things that are not important have stopped being important.

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